everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt….

i read that in slaughterhouse five when i finished that book a few weeks ago, and it kinda struck me as odd because the book didn’t actually state that in context, but had it as a picture that kurt vonnegut had drawn, and it was on a tombstone. it really hits at the right moment in the book because most of the book talks about how time is really what you make of it, and since you can make a concious effort to think about what you want, you should be able to forget bd things that happen to you. hence, if you just forget about all the bad moments in your life, everything would be beautiful and nothing could hurt, becuase if you choose to ignore them, then maybe it didn’t exsist in the first place.

and i know that its mostly meant to be ironic in the book, and it does serve that purpose well, but it just kinda struck me at that moment when i read it. if you do block out everythign bad, how are you going to know if things are beautiful? if you have no standard of bad, there really can’t be any measure of good. i know this is pretty obvious stuff when you think about it, but pretty much everyone i deal with (myself included) loses track of this. its easy to lose track of yourself when things are going too well, and its easy to dwell when things aren’t going so well. are things going bad for me? i don’t think so. could they be better? sure. could they be worse? of course they could. but would it matter one way or the other? would i be any less myself if i wasn’t goign to school and was working at mcdonalds for a living? i don’t think i would be any less me, but i suppose that my environment would affect the way it was expressed.in any situation you’re put into you’re going to have things to worry about. some of these worries are definatly alot more serious than others, but that’s also a matter of your preception too. you can always make soemthing more important than it is just by emphasizing it.

i’ve been so anti-social and pissy in general i think, and i can’t pin my finger on it as to why. i’m just so bitter about everything for some reason, and i don’t think that i outwardly express it too much, but its been inwardly so different latley that i don’t understand what brought it on. it just snuck up on me and all of the sudden i realize taht i just feel like i’m fed up with people. i’m not one to have strong convictions in the first place, let alon to have enough mental prowess to back them up most of the time. i’m a shell that’s been filled up by other people, and sometimes i hardly think that i have a thought of my own. its not that its necesarily a bad thing, taking things from other people can help to give perspective on yours. but by my actions and the way i just am in general, i will always be a doormat, and i’ll tell myself i don’t care. when i tell myself i don’t care though, i automatically start questioning that. why the hell should i ever question anything that i think? tat stuff is supposed to come from you and you alone, and i wonder if that’s even true anymore. maybe i’m so conditioned that i just think things by automatic response. but how can you tell the difference between automatic response and automatic questioning if you can’t even tell the difference between the two?

i also think its cause i’ve felt like a total mooch latley. i always think in a wierd wierd sense, where its allright for people to do things to me, but when it gos the other way around i feel bad about it. and there is no reason for me to feel bad about it and i have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t really matter, but i still get that automatic response of feeling alittle guilty for imposing on someone, cause i know that i wouldn’t really want people imposing on me, but in the end, i am imposing on them, and they are imposing on me. me and everyone else in the world is a walking paradox, saying one thing and then contradicting it not too long after. i don’t think i’ll ever stop contradicting myself though, cause i want to make everyone happy. and when you spread yourself that thin, its hard to keep your priorities in order. even people who are completley selfesh contradict themselves too. everyone contradicts themselves. so is it possible to believe in something? does everything have to be an in-between or comprimise?

so i guess, really, these questions are more than i really want to think about, cause they piss me off, so i tend to not care about them, which really i think is right along the same vein as ignoring them.

everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt…

so in my not caring about things, i’m really just making myself happy by ignoring the things that would make me feel bad. things that make me insecure. things that make me question who i am. i just feel like i’ve given up cause i don’t think that i’ll ever be able to understand myself and others, and it pisses me off more than anything to have someone tell me that they do. that’s why people have been pissing me off latley. maybe i’m just jealous though and being selfesh too, cause since i think that i can’t really have anythign figured out, then there’s no way for anyone else to. no, that’s not true though…people can have things figured out….for themselves. i can figure things out for me and no one else. i can’t think for other people, so i don’t want people to think for me.

so i sit here and am being the contradiction that i speak of. if i ddin’t want these things to hurt, couldn’t i just stop dwelling on them and move on? and my first impulse is to say “i can’t…” but by saying “can’t” i really think i’m saying “won’t”. an di’ve noticed that about me and everyone else. most of the time when someone says “can’t” they really mean “won’t” even though there is a world of difference between the two of them. i guess by saying can’t though, i’m just telling myself that it is beyond my control. everything is beyond my control and there is nothing that i can do about it. so i tell myself that i can’t, shifting responsibility off of me. because if something was my fault then i would have to deal with it. but i’d rather ignore it.

or maybe its just there’s a hormonal imbalance in my brain that will correct itself eventually.

everything was beautiful and nothing hurt…