so yeah, sitting, nothign to do, finally got my leg feelin’ somewhat descent so i can sit in this chair for alittle bit. i really feel like blogging, but i don’t really know what to throw down at the moment. but i know i got something tosay. something tugging up from teh depths of my chest screaming to get out. like i got something important to say or something. like i ever do.

i don’t know, feeling abstract tonight i suppose. these last few weeks have been kinda funny. it just seems like i’m going nowhere, but its like i have no choice about it. like, even if i wanted to be heading in a certain direction, i couldn’t. fucking dial up, this shit is so slow, that’s why i’m blogging, cause i can’;t do anything else really but just write shit down. and what is it, what is it, what’s tryign to get out of me right now? should i even be blogging right now? hmmmm, basically, i want out.

i want out of this life i have created for myself, not because i’m unhappy with it i suppose, but because i’m sick of dealing with it. i just don’t want to have obligations anymore, period. i don’t want to have obligations to other people, and i don’t want them to have obligations towards me. i just want to start over at square one where i don’t owe anybody anything, and nobody owes anything to me. like sometimes i feel like i’m doing things cause i’m obligated to other people, not cause i want to do it. so my life has this quality where i’m just following a line, cause i have things i have to do. HAVE to do, not choose to do. god no wonder our society is so crazy, being brought up to be so dependant. nothing i can do about it now but deal with it though. so that’s what life has become for me, not living, but dealing. just doin’ it for the lack of anything better to do. no wonder i want to validate my existance through stuff. stuff is great. if i have more stuff, i can at least look at that and say “wow, i’ve done something with my life, cause i have stuff” i mean, at least i can point towards that and prove it to someone. at least that’s an absolute, i suppose, at least in our society. i was thinking about the whole absloute thing, and i was wondering what kind of world we would live in if we didn’t have absolutes. what if a pen felt differently everytime you picked it up? what if everytime you knocked on wood, it would make a different sound? of course this is possible, but if it did feel differently or sound differently then it wouldn’t have the same properties as it did in the first place. sure wood isn’t going to sound the same once you waterlog it, but its not going to have the same properties as it did before. so it is absolute, but just a different form. i f you define something to have certain properties, and YOU define it to be like that, then its gonna retain those properties. it can’t just change because it feels like it, something’s gotta act upon it to change it.bah, maybe i’m full of it, i think i just don’t want to accept the fact that its possible to live in a world that is non-absolute. where nothing can be defined cause nothing has a solid definition, since everything is so grey. i mean, you couldn’t have the grey without mixing the black and white right? and just cause there may be a grey, that doesn’t cancel out the black and white.

fuck it, i’m gonna go lay back down on the couch and chill in my cpm thing