jesus, what the hell was i doing in my lasy blog, i don’t even remember posting any shit like that. i suppose it was late and i was most definatly faded though…ah well, i guess i have too much fun. man what the fuck do i want to wite about, i got an itch to write something, but i want it to be meaningful or something, not just some rehash of things that have already happened. i was in a strange mood last week though, and it comes and goes i suppose , wher ei just lose every shred of paitience i think i have and i just want to dissappear somewhere until i feel like crawling out again. cause no doubt i like to socialize and hang around, but sometimes it gets to be too much. i mean, i have always been anti social, but it seems like it has just gotten worse since i turned 21. i guess i’m just more disillusioned than i used to be.

its like back in the day, like probably 2 years ago or something, i wondered what it would be like to grow up and what it would be like to be out on my own and shit. and of course since i wasn’t living it, i was romanticizing it.

bitter sidenote: while i’m on this topic, fuck romanticizing. everything you’ve ever wished for is built up in your head. i don’t understand why people can be let down time and time again by things not stacking up against the ideas and visions they’ve created for themselves. its not that you shouldn’t dream, or envision things the way you want them to be, but people feel let down by it. jesus, if everything went the way that i planned it, i’d get pretty damn bored. damn, what kind of life would i lead if everything that i built up did come out to be true? with how perfect my life would be going, i’d bet i’d be discontent. or maybe i wouldn’t. i think its great how these days, being discontent has become a privilage instead of a right. i mean sure i get discontent with my life, with anything i want to. but alot of people i talk to treat it like they’re allowed to be more discontent than you because they have it worse off. seeing as worse is defined by them it seems pretty asinine. ok, back to the rest.

so then when it happens, you live it for a bit, and its cool, but then other things creep in that make it stupid. and jesus, i’m not even on my own yet, my parents still pay for pretty much everything, for which i am extremely lucky. but its like with the way i feel right now, i might as well just move out to some cabin in the middle of podunk land. but of course i won’t….cause i know its probably a mood just like any other. it’ll pass. i’ll feel differently. i’ll grow up or some shti and all the ideals i hold now will be crushed by the newer, better ones i’m sure to realize. maybe that’s part of it, i’m sick of changing, over and over, it just feels like i discredit my ideas already because in a couple of years i’m gonna think differently, maybe it’ll be an extreme change, and maybe it’ll just be some minor tweaking, but its goign to happen. so i feel like backing up anything i ever claim to put stock in is just goign to change anyways, so i don’t even feel like justifying anything to anybody anymore. but its all i do. justify myself to everyone. like i need to do that all the time. i’d rather just have people take what i say at stock value, or just to stop caring so much, cause i sure as hell don’t.

i have no problems justifying things to myself, but tryign to explain that to someone else is like trying to talk to somone who doesn’t understand english. i mean sure, you can try all sorts of ways of explaining it, hell you can even start yelling and get as simple as you want, just in a vain attempt to get your point accross, but it doesn’t matter how you manipulate the words, they’re still gibberish to the other person. monkies with languages. using them to express ideas that are shaped by the society they live in. that’s just great. a bunch of isolated monkies who want desperatly for people to notice their indivduality, when they have no way of conveying it to anyone but themselves. but oh lord you can try….

i know what i need. hope of some kind. cause i’ve gotten so cozy witht he fact that everythign is hopeless that i just don’t care about anything anymore. i can’t just go picking hope off the ground though, there’s gotta be something to instill it in me. well when i think about it, i need an outside form of hope, cause i got all i need right here with myself, but that doesn’t help me function in the society i’ve been placed in. cause if all the hope i have is buried in the fact that i am who i am, and nothing will change that, then there’s no reason for me to be interacting in a society. but there’s gotta be some reason to hang around here. i just have this feeling that it’ll pop up when i least expect it, and it’ll just happen. maybe it already has happened and i just don’t realize it, maybe that’s why i’m so bitter. not bitter at the world, but bitter at myself, cause i feel like i play a role in some act, and yet i’m ad-libbing the whole thing, and its not going anywhere but in circles, and nothing i really do can change that. hmmm maybe i just fouund my hope here. that people are going to grow up one day and not have to overdramaticize things, and people will just be people someday. good god, how fucking hypocritical am i being, this whole tirade is dramatic

I CAN’T NOT CONTRADICT MYSELF

….and i’m sick of it