how rediculous can life be? pretty damn rediculous if you ask me. i don’t even know where i fit in in this crazy mess. i don’t even think i would want to know where i did, if i did.

i’m unhappy, but not really. i’m disgruntled. kinda. i’m bitter. but i definatly could be more. i’m annoyed with everything, and i don’t know why. there is nothing for me to be unhappy about, so i create things and situations that make me unhappy. i think. or am i just too full of myself? am i not not full enough of myself?

i’m not looking for answers, so what the hell am i looking for? i’m looking for distractions, but distractions from what? distraction from myself? yeah, probably, because i’m a pretty ugly person. pretty ugly. i like oxymorons. bla bla bla, i can sit here and prattle on about how nothing makes sense, everythign is fucked, everyone deludes themselves how they want to, etc. etc. etc.

etc. is a great word, its like you can just continue your ideas without actually having to specify any of them. if you get people moving in some direction with your thoughts, you can just throw down an etc. and people can continue along your thoughtline however they please, but in most cases, it’ll be along the path that you point them on, since they are reading it. they’ll probably get the gist of it anyways, its not like you need much more than that anyways.overeducated, overactvie imagination, and a history of family illness. should provide me with some entertainment for the rest of my life. or maybe provide me with a reason to be unhappy. all the things that make me happy have teh potentiallity to make me unhappy. it’s a fine line.

man this is slow going. well it was fine till about a few minutes ago, then i slowed down, cause i was thinking if i even wanted to post this. in reality i don’t think i do. but at the same time i don’t want to lose what i’ve written down, or interupt my flow of thoughts right now by taking the time to write everything down in a journal or something. i just have an easier time typing i think, that’s why i come here. but then why should i post it. this doesn’t do any good for anyone else but myself. i don’t care if i evoke emotion in anybody. and i sure as hell don’t wat anyone reaching out to me, like this is some cry of help. far from it. jesus, if i wanted help with my problems, i’d join the ranks of everyone else and just start complaining. there’s a way to distract yourself. this is everyone’s fault but my own.

ooooh, i just had a thought, maybe i’m writing this stuff with the vauge hope that someone will refute me. kinda. i don’t even know if there’s anything to refute on here. its probably not even coherent enough.

you can drag a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. = you can talk to me, but you can’t make me care

i don’t even want to make sense anymore, because i don’t make sense to myself and i can’t explain anything i feel, etc. if someone asked me right now

“what do you believe?”

i wouldn’t have an answer, i wouldn’t even know how to begin answering that question. believe in nothing? well no, otherwise i’d just kill myself. something? that shit’s just rediculous.

everytime i try and put my values in order, i’m at a loss for organization, or a way to define them. i don’t have anything. i am liquid and superfluous. i flow from one place to the other, kinda drifting around, and stuff happens to me along the way. some things are in my control. i can struggle against the current. i can kinda paddle around. but most of the time is just spent flopping around and sputtering, etc. i complain now, but in am hour i won’t care. i don’t care now.

i think.

“i think” now there’s something funny. i should be sure. but i’m not. “i think” also implies that i have put an idea through the currently established parameters of what i deem to be right and wrong, factor in things that i’ve experienced, things i’m sure of, things i think i’m sure of, things i’ve experienced. things i think i’ve experience, or am pretty sure have some impact on the current thought. apply all these things to a new idea, or maybe one you’ve pondered a thousand times, and eventually an answer is spit out in a timely fashion. timley enough anyways, to give you something that you can grasp, and hold on to and validate, etc. maybe its satisfactory and you file it away to be used later, to be applied to another thought that you may have in the future. stick it somewhere in there, cause it mght be useful later. and if it isn’t, oh well, its not like your brain can get full anyways. things just occasionally just get filed way in the back because it doesn’t get used all the time, but its not like you’re over crowding your head with ideas anyways.

i think.

so later tonight, tomrrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, a decade from now, etc. when soem chemicals in my brain get all riled up because my body and self-conciousness isn’t at top notch performance, i can reach down in there, and some electrons will carry some message from one place to another that there is somethign in there, deep in that skull of mine that holds and arbitrary answer to an arbitrary question i may have about some arbitrary situation, etc. and then somethign will happen.

i think.

obviously whoever designed me as a machine wasn’t really thinking too hard when they did it. i mean, i’m leaky, i got these faulty hydraulics, and a lubrication system that has to be thinned to keep it from damaging itself. obviously whoever was in charge wasn’t the geratest engineer. i got these faulty wires in my head that make me unhappy sometimes, but othertimes, pretty happy. these wires can sometimes be crossed, confused and damaged even. i mean sure, i’m a complex robot, but that doesn’t give an excuse for someone to send out faulty versions of a machine. you’re supposed to test it for every concieveable problem or contigancy. maybe i am a prototype of a robot of some kind. put in situations to see how it reacts. maybe i’m doing a good job. maybe i’m not.

i think.

so i went out for a ride today. for a bit. i mean i didn’t make it too far before i realized that i wasn’t really meant to go on a long long ride today because i’m still feelin pretty shitty from all these drugs and stress and what not. so i went to see a movie instead. and it was beautiful, and it was well done, and i loved it, etc. it gave me a feeling of elation and of an unspeakable, calming joy that just permeaets from you afterwards. and its still lingering even now. its been lingering, but it gives you a feeling of solitude at the same time. but in good way. at least a way that’s good for me.

i think.

so now its time to go do stuff. stuff is great. give me stuff anyday, it sure beats the hell out of things.

i think.

maybe this rat poison is just fucking with my head.

i think.