how rediculous can life be? pretty damn rediculous if you ask me. i don’t even know where i fit in in this crazy mess. i don’t even think i would want to know where i did, if i did.

i’m unhappy, but not really. i’m disgruntled. kinda. i’m bitter. but i definatly could be more. i’m annoyed with everything, and i don’t know why. there is nothing for me to be unhappy about, so i create things and situations that make me unhappy. i think. or am i just too full of myself? am i not not full enough of myself?

i’m not looking for answers, so what the hell am i looking for? i’m looking for distractions, but distractions from what? distraction from myself? yeah, probably, because i’m a pretty ugly person. pretty ugly. i like oxymorons. bla bla bla, i can sit here and prattle on about how nothing makes sense, everythign is fucked, everyone deludes themselves how they want to, etc. etc. etc.

etc. is a great word, its like you can just continue your ideas without actually having to specify any of them. if you get people moving in some direction with your thoughts, you can just throw down an etc. and people can continue along your thoughtline however they please, but in most cases, it’ll be along the path that you point them on, since they are reading it. they’ll probably get the gist of it anyways, its not like you need much more than that anyways.overeducated, overactvie imagination, and a history of family illness. should provide me with some entertainment for the rest of my life. or maybe provide me with a reason to be unhappy. all the things that make me happy have teh potentiallity to make me unhappy. it’s a fine line.

man this is slow going. well it was fine till about a few minutes ago, then i slowed down, cause i was thinking if i even wanted to post this. in reality i don’t think i do. but at the same time i don’t want to lose what i’ve written down, or interupt my flow of thoughts right now by taking the time to write everything down in a journal or something. i just have an easier time typing i think, that’s why i come here. but then why should i post it. this doesn’t do any good for anyone else but myself. i don’t care if i evoke emotion in anybody. and i sure as hell don’t wat anyone reaching out to me, like this is some cry of help. far from it. jesus, if i wanted help with my problems, i’d join the ranks of everyone else and just start complaining. there’s a way to distract yourself. this is everyone’s fault but my own.

ooooh, i just had a thought, maybe i’m writing this stuff with the vauge hope that someone will refute me. kinda. i don’t even know if there’s anything to refute on here. its probably not even coherent enough.

you can drag a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. = you can talk to me, but you can’t make me care

i don’t even want to make sense anymore, because i don’t make sense to myself and i can’t explain anything i feel, etc. if someone asked me right now

“what do you believe?”

i wouldn’t have an answer, i wouldn’t even know how to begin answering that question. believe in nothing? well no, otherwise i’d just kill myself. something? that shit’s just rediculous.

everytime i try and put my values in order, i’m at a loss for organization, or a way to define them. i don’t have anything. i am liquid and superfluous. i flow from one place to the other, kinda drifting around, and stuff happens to me along the way. some things are in my control. i can struggle against the current. i can kinda paddle around. but most of the time is just spent flopping around and sputtering, etc. i complain now, but in am hour i won’t care. i don’t care now.

i think.

“i think” now there’s something funny. i should be sure. but i’m not. “i think” also implies that i have put an idea through the currently established parameters of what i deem to be right and wrong, factor in things that i’ve experienced, things i’m sure of, things i think i’m sure of, things i’ve experienced. things i think i’ve experience, or am pretty sure have some impact on the current thought. apply all these things to a new idea, or maybe one you’ve pondered a thousand times, and eventually an answer is spit out in a timely fashion. timley enough anyways, to give you something that you can grasp, and hold on to and validate, etc. maybe its satisfactory and you file it away to be used later, to be applied to another thought that you may have in the future. stick it somewhere in there, cause it mght be useful later. and if it isn’t, oh well, its not like your brain can get full anyways. things just occasionally just get filed way in the back because it doesn’t get used all the time, but its not like you’re over crowding your head with ideas anyways.

i think.

so later tonight, tomrrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, a decade from now, etc. when soem chemicals in my brain get all riled up because my body and self-conciousness isn’t at top notch performance, i can reach down in there, and some electrons will carry some message from one place to another that there is somethign in there, deep in that skull of mine that holds and arbitrary answer to an arbitrary question i may have about some arbitrary situation, etc. and then somethign will happen.

i think.

obviously whoever designed me as a machine wasn’t really thinking too hard when they did it. i mean, i’m leaky, i got these faulty hydraulics, and a lubrication system that has to be thinned to keep it from damaging itself. obviously whoever was in charge wasn’t the geratest engineer. i got these faulty wires in my head that make me unhappy sometimes, but othertimes, pretty happy. these wires can sometimes be crossed, confused and damaged even. i mean sure, i’m a complex robot, but that doesn’t give an excuse for someone to send out faulty versions of a machine. you’re supposed to test it for every concieveable problem or contigancy. maybe i am a prototype of a robot of some kind. put in situations to see how it reacts. maybe i’m doing a good job. maybe i’m not.

i think.

so i went out for a ride today. for a bit. i mean i didn’t make it too far before i realized that i wasn’t really meant to go on a long long ride today because i’m still feelin pretty shitty from all these drugs and stress and what not. so i went to see a movie instead. and it was beautiful, and it was well done, and i loved it, etc. it gave me a feeling of elation and of an unspeakable, calming joy that just permeaets from you afterwards. and its still lingering even now. its been lingering, but it gives you a feeling of solitude at the same time. but in good way. at least a way that’s good for me.

i think.

so now its time to go do stuff. stuff is great. give me stuff anyday, it sure beats the hell out of things.

i think.

maybe this rat poison is just fucking with my head.

i think.

bahahaha, i was just sitting here absentmindedly playing with my butterfly knife when i dropped it in my lap…which isn’t that big of a deal cause it happens alot, but then i just realized, what if this is the time i finally really cut myself? stupid rat poison…

good god, thank my nuts the weekend is here. three day weekend, its time to chill after this hectic week of made up tests. blood is good, so the occassional drinking that i have been doing hasn’t really affected the rat poison levels, so i’ll just keep doin’ my thang.

before i lose it.

fuck fuck fuck, i cannot FOCUS AT ALL

this day needs to be over. after two tests, missed rides, and cryptic messages from doctors, more tests tomrrow, this day can go straight to hell and kill me while its at it. i don’t even have anythign to look forward to. i mean, i won’t be able to drink this weekend, because of blood thinning drugs, and i can’t do anything outside because i’m supposed to rest, and the blood thinning drugs. so i’m forced to sit and do nothing.

hell, maybe the doctor will tell me that my blood is so fucked that i’ll have to go back to the hospital tomrrow or something. it wouldn’t surprise me.

so band aids can care. what the hell, i was gonna do stuff tonight, but i got caught up on my studying. tests tomrrow can blow me, as soon as thursday’s over, i got like a 2 week break. well, kinda. chanta is screaming next door. its kinda distracting, it completely derailed my train of though….derealed. i almost typed it and realized i should leave it there. its much more fascinating. stupid blood thinning drugs, i’ll show them who’s boss.

take that!
and that!

bring me a jacket its cold, and i can’ stand to be cold, the cold makes me weak and feebled and unworthy of the warmth that is life.

ringle jingle jangle

fucking music. i gotta set aside tiem to play my violin, i remember when i was playing like at least a half hour 5 days a week, and that dwindled down to a half hour a day at school…but shit, i’m so busy and then when i want to its too late, or so i think. i just need a half hour….soon. my right brain gets neglected, it needs more music.

when my parents come up, its always cool. they feed me good, and i enjoy talking witht hem for a bit, its nice to see that just hanging around with me can make them so happy.

bring these tests tomrrow, i am wudar, and rad rolled into a ball of super-condensed radness that is ultra concentrated and super-saturated with a permeating sense of intense radarangledarness, with a wafting aromatic grandness that can only acompany the radness that is truly wudar, in the most rad sense.

wudar…its not just for breakfast anymore.

hahahaha….

school pwns says:

i wanted to make a movie about your knees

school pwns says:

the story goes like this

school pwns says:

enter snowboarder…flying down the mtn. (pause) look at trees, look at ski slope, look back at trees, start cutting through

school pwns says:

wham hit the tree

school pwns says:

and flash…into the drama

school pwns says:

the one knee begins its withdrawal from the other

school pwns says:

getting tired of carrying all the burden

school pwns says:

so the other knee feels bad and tries to go get fixed

school pwns says:

the surgery occurs and the fixed knee has to recover

school pwns says:

but the other knee is getting impatient and has to carry the burden for the entire time the other knee cant function

school pwns says:

so after long recovery, the knees begin to love each other again

school pwns says:

but then the fixed knee gets sick with blood problems

school pwns says:

and the other knee goes back into rejection

school pwns says:

and i dont know where the story goes from there

i’ll edit this as it becomes more complete, its just rad, mike ownz my knees

ok, so the last few days have been fairly interesting, in fact the time has been almost surreal.

hospitals are just surreal places

so anyways, on thursday i called my doctor to check in with him and also to let him know that my calf had been swelling up recently. all of the sudden, i’ve got a date with an ultrasound machine a half hour later. i get there, they take it, and they tell me i’ve got a large blood clot that has been in my thigh. i’m guessing it had been there for awhile, because i had been having the same pain, along with some shortness of breath and other symptoms for awhile now. i just had no idea that anything was wrong with me. so since halloween night, i’ve been sitting in a hospital room having nothing to do but read, watch tv, and study ( i did a whole lot of all three). alot of time was spent talkign to people who were visiting me as well, i suppose, but man….its been like 4 days, and it seems like it was just non-time. first off, i couldn’t get out of bed until saturday. so i was stuck there, peeing in a bottle for two days. next, i was roomed with a 72 year old man who was basically just cantankerous. he had an infected gallbladder, but it wasn’t really that serious. he was allright during the day, but his nice side was pretty much skin deep. he went to bed at 7. i went to bed at 2. this didn’t really work out too well for him, and finally on sunday night he decided to do something about it by complaining to the nurse. either i was too intimidating, or unapproachable, but he couldn’t ask me to do things like turn off the TV. he had to ask the nurse this. so the nurse offered to move me, and i jumped at that chance, i just wished i had gotten offered it sooner. it was hilarious to me, because he harbored it for like 3 nights, and finally he snapped, but not at me, at the nurse. jesus….old people need to pull their heads out of their ass. or die. one or the other.

but yeah, i basically had to just sit there, in bed, with an IV in me that pushed blood thinning drugs through me, to get rid of the clot. so its pretty much gone now, but to make sure its eradicated, i have to take coumadin (rat poison….no really, this is the stuff they kill rats with, the stuff that kills them because it thins their blood so much that eventually they’ll have internal hemmorages, cause they eat too much). i have to take this shit for the next 4 to 6 months. and basically, this means i can’t do drugs anymore. only in “moderation” i suppose. what the hell’s the point of drinking if you can’t get sloppy ass drunk? its probably for teh best i suppose. i’m gonna miss drinking and getting ruined on the weekends though. oh well… que cera, cera. 6 months is a really long time though. i’m gonna be a light weight with drinkign though, so that’s gonna save me some cash.

but shit man, what an ordeal, i got all this school shit to do int he next few days now, and i gotta sit around for another week. good god, if this leg causes me anymore trouble, its just gonna have to bring death, cause its exhausting its limits of ways that it can affect me.

thank god i’m out of there though, they were taking my blood every morning at 5 am, checing all my vital signs every 8 hours, i would wake up every hour and a half or so because i would crimp my IV, so it would set off the alarm….and god, when all you do is sit around all day, it makes it really hard to go to sleep at night, especially when you’re used to doing school all day, doing some exercise, more school, and drinking some. when all of those go, so does your ability to sleep like a log. and when youre roomate snores louder than you can manage to turn up your earphones, its not so hot. of course, being waited on hand and foot is allright, wish i could have gotten better pain mediction though…that would have been nice.

again, touching on the old people subject….i never really hated them until now. i suppose i don’t hate them still because its not worth it to hate them, but damn, this is what makes america as conservative as it is. these old people, instead of realizing that they don’t have much time left on earth, and should really relax and just deal with things, decide to get bitter at the world. if you want to imagine a world with too much time on their hands, just look at the elderly, and you’ll get a pretty good vision of what the world could be like.

*shudders*

but in the end, the nurses were really nice, and the food was worse than all the worst food i’ve ever gotten on airplanes and elementary schools combined. seriously, my cheese omlette the first day i got there for breakfast was a dry sponge with nacho cheese on it, and i’m harldy exaggerating. i came out ok, i’m fine, and now i’m back to the real world. man, it feels great to be back.

({)and all my friends are awesome.(})