post-test syndrome: you finish a bunch of tests one week, and instead of using your new found free time to catch up or get ahead, you let it slide yet again….this nice weather is the greatest.

i swear if i could do whatever i wanted for the rest of my life, it would be to just live on some hut on the beach and have all my days be drawn out and long at the time, but they blend together into a short time where all you do is lay on the beach in the sun all day, sleeping at random, getting somethign to eat, reading something. these are all things i can do anyways, but when you throw in the beach factor, you can go jump in the water for a little bit, tire yourself out and then come back up and sleep in the sun. man that would be great.

i’ll definatly take what i can get though, it’s damn nice around here, and i can just parade around in my underwear….that’s pretty damn awesome right there

*Own Horn Tooting Section*

this hasn’t happened since junior high i think, but i’m actually on track to get all A’s this quarter. needless to say, i’m probably gonna let things slip by the end of the quarter where i’ll want to shoot myself in the head and be doign anything but school, but the oppertunity is there for once.man, straight A’s always seems so unattainable.

*End of Ego Stroking*

hee hee, i said “stroking”

so yeah, back to the sun, i got plenty of computer time later

hahaha, ok, i probably need to write this down while it’s still in my mind. i was riding today and for some reason i was thinking about how people go about things, and it suddenly hit me. of course this is still pretty much in its evolutionary stage, because i’ve only had a couple of hours to really process it, but it still hit me as something that was important, even if i can’t totally grasp it yet. i like to talk before i think anyways.but most of the time, when i get inspirations like this, it mostly ends up being somewhat important to something….oooh that’s profound. anyways, i was thinking about alyson ( i do this occasionally) and i started trying to think of how she could possibly be the way that she is, with the kind of drifting around randomly, not thinking and causing trouble due to lack of thinking and then just dissappearing (this is greatly summarized, but it pretty much sums it up). so i thought about it more, and was thinking about how i’m kinda the same way, but not, i just can’t really say why. i’ve been trying to figure out the difference since she broke up with me (cause i know i’m not even close to that destructive)

so i started thinking about it in terms of psuedoabstracts, and then it hit me that it was teh abstract thought that was a large difference (not all of it, i think)

not the ability to think abstractly, but how you interpret it. i know alot of people who think abstractly, and most of the time, i think everyone else does a better job of it than i could do. but how you apply it certainly makes alot of difference.

i thought about it some more, and i realized that things that are abstract just don’t scare me anymore. they don’t even cause me a need for concern. like saddam could nuke us at any moment. i could trip and bleed to death somehow. i could be out of work when i graduate from college. i could offend the next person i talk to due to things i may express. i may end up someday not having enough water to drink. etc. but these are all things that COULD happen. the reason that i can becoem so caught up with things that i predict is due to the fact that more often than not, they come true. when it comes down to trying to prepare yourself for the intended outcome of a certain event, you can pretty much predict it. you understand the way our society works, how the people involved pretty mcuh work, how you work, how thermodynamics work, etc. and you can make a pretty accurate guess as to the outcome of something you’re uncertain of. of course there are surprises some of the time, hence the uncertainty. you’re still right most of the time.

this ability to abstractly think, and be able to pretty accuratly predict things is pretty convinient….it allows you to not waste time or money, and do things efficiently. the difference i’m finding is the attatchment of emotions to the abstract. you can visualize anything that you want to with your noggin, anything at all. i kinda feel like people tend to freak themselves out over the abstract, as opposed to treating it as something abstract….make it a foregone conclusion, and you’ll spare yourself the anguish later. i think about how i’ll watch the news and i’ll hear about some dozen people dying or something, and it just gets absorbed. i don’t really care….i didn’t know any of the people, it wasn’t me who did it, and yet due tot he fact that i’m a human being, i’m supposed to have some sort of empathy for their suffering. other people seem to care so i’ll pretend to as well, because it’s easier to say that i care and agree with everyone than try to explain to everyone why i don’t care, because i don’t even know if i can explain it to myself. and i don’t need to explain it to myself because it’s me. i know how i feel, so it makes perfect sense to me why i don’t care. but in order to make my exisistance justfied to others, i have to be able to defend the ideas that i have, when i don’t ever really feel like it. i can pull some logic based, bullshit answer out of my ass to keep others happy, but i don’t like that, because if i’m gonna express myself, i want to at least be doing it correctly. it’s like cheating on tests, you get the rigth answers, but who cares?

the abstract thought is still interesting though, because i thought about how i normally don’t care about things but that i can definatly be able to care about. i just can’t bring myself to care about the abstract. it doesn’t meant hat i can’t have emotional responses to things that happen to me though, it’s just how i react. it’s not something that i can just pawn over and feel worried about when i got other stuff that while not necesarily more important, is actually real. the real factor definatly puts things in perspective for me.

it’s tangible…….i should deal with it.

oh man, adam just dialed to this jesus show like where people are singing, and he got to talk to someone there. so he called himself justin and he just made up this huge sob story and it was so awsome. wudar

whoopty whoop

i have one more test tomrrow….so unmotivated this quarter….so terribly unmotivated….

but for the unmotivation, i got nothing else on my mind but the fact that i’m just stalling, and that i need to study organic chem.

makes for uninteresting blogs. don’t worry though, i’m sure i’ll be gettign belligerent afterwards, and this weekend, what with my friend blake coming up this weekend. i imagine it’ll be alot of cartoons, and god how good that sounds…

8:15, 15 minutes behind schedule….

man, this is kinda nice, i’m the only one left with his computer out in the living room, i don’t know, i guess i prefer be able to watch tv while goofing off more than being able to masterbate to video porn…

i wonder what happened to my priorities?

oh well, it gives my inmagination a work out i suppose.

it’s funny how i either come here after drinking all night, or when i want to avoid school. i guess otherwise i would be doing something else ….something consequential i bet.

does it matter what i believe in?

no

it only matters to me

but tonight, i wanted it to extend to others……this is very celf centeerd, probably because i am self centered

and it was stupid of me to thin kthat i could change others, but the fact that there was so much stupidity exisisting, it made it hard to believe that any form of rational. thought could exsist, since others seeems to have no comprehension of what “rational thought” is.

rationality seems to mean the bitter remains of a botched descision to me…some desicion that is made because it is easier to make a general desicion than a specific one. if you got specific you would have to start defining what you meant, what you intended to mean, and why you should be interpreted to mean thae things you want to precieve.

since they are things that I want to precieve in the end, i guess eveyone incluindg myself is just in a big game where everyine fools each other.

but I try to tell me, and i try to tell others, that it doesn’t matter one way or the other, as long as you’re not contradicting yourself.

how can you make a point if you’re going to totally oppose it 10 minutes later?

is it possible to prove a point when ideas can change as quickly as you want them too?

does it matter? it shouldn’t and yet it’s not the same

screw life.

(it’s never an excuse out of your justifications though)

………………….EVER.

i swear that ben and i should have a combined blogging page or something. i mean, we spend enough time referring to each other, might as well conglomerate.

we’re pretty much saying the same things anyways, i think if we combined our powers, we could go voltron style and get bliznoggity on everyone’s ass.

i wonder how bricks get laid….do they go to a brickhouse and get dressed up in flashy mortar….god please shoot me. SHOOT ME NOW. i have these days, days where i don’t want to deal with people. people i know anyways. it’s easy to talk to strangers, they don’t expect anything of you besides general decency. it’s all these people that expect something of me that bugs me. the fact that i can’t even directly say if they expect something from me. i have to assume that i am expected of something. so just to be safe i do things that are expected of ryan, because in the end, it is easier. it’s annoying because i don’t want anyone to expect anything of me, because i know i’ll end up letting them down, or not meeting the bar, because more often than not, i don’t care. i don’t care about these things, but lots of other people do.

so bitter…why are all my blogs so bitter these days. what happened to my tolerance for others? i used to be patient and tolerant, and now, most often it’s just thinly disguised apathy. i don’t feel superior to others, nor inferior, it’s just like a i found a little niche to crawl into, and it suits me. sometimes people say things that are contrary to the way i would do or think about things. this leads me to not care because it’s their deal, and even though i don’t necesarilly agree with them, it doesn’t mean i’m right. then at other times people will come up to me and start talking about something i may agree with. more often than not though, their just praising how great the idea or method is, and not actually talking or analyizing it. if i agree, is it necesary to keep talking?

both of these are just non-communication, and of course i indulge of both of these, but i can only take so much. too much noise can be overwhelming….and annoying.

but again, the bitterness, i don’t have any reason to, it just happens. could be the books i read…

man, i haven’t blogged in a long time, i was going to last night and then i did, and then it got consumed by the blog monster. needless to say i was pissed and defeated, pitted up against a monster that i have no way of fighting…damn you blog monster…i can’t even remember the exact things i may have said, but it was probably irrelevant to most, relevant to a few (funny how that works). plus, ben’s page has been down for what seems like half a week or so, frustrating me further. again, the defenslessness….

but shit, there’s been alot of going’s on around here. the cali trip was rad, if not packed with stuff to do, loads of driving, and money flying out the window, but it was definatly an awesome experience. damn spring break is only a week though. i mean, our summer is like 3 weeks longer than everyone elses, and our winter break is about 3 weeks long, why the hell do they only have a one week break after the shortest and hardest quarter of the school year? bass ackwards this school is. i just left school and already i’m back to spending at least 6 hours at school a day with at least 2 hours of reading/homework to do. i’ve already got tests next week. jebus h., merry, and joe-seph (hee hee, look as i unmercifully poke fun at their names, i’m so clever) screw school, i’m here at school now, prepping for labs i have to do tomrrow, then i’ll read so i’ll be ready for a couple days from now, then i’ll do problems so i’m ready for next week. and the beat goes on…..

ok, for those of you who read this that are not in bellingham (basically just ben) here are some other rather large updates:

1. I cut my hair back down to it’s “crazy sticking in random directions” motif

2. I injured my ankle fairly badly (not terribly, but enough to have to crutch for a couple of days, and do some physical therapy for the next month), and am yet agian rehabilitating something in the lower half of my body.

i cut my hair on a spur of the moment kind of thing because i had been building up to it. i kept wanting to cut my hair, but then laziness and the fact that i’d spent almost a year growing it out kept deterring me. so on one of those contemplative sunday mornings (hangover and sudden sobriety induced, of course) and i realized that if i was gonna get rid of my hair, i had to do it right then. pretty much ruin it, by trying to cut it myself. this succeeded very well, because i butchered my head (although it did look rad with a mini-mullet in the back) and it pushed me to go riding to have it re-done by the greatest professional that super cuts had to offer, and as usual they didn’t dissappoint.

i found out that i’m not cut out for long hair unfortunatly (oooh, rad pun). i’m sure i looked fine (not like it terribly mattered to me) but man it got annoying. when your hair is long, you really notice all the strands that fall out of your head. i mean i’m sure i lose hair now, but it’s small and they float away like gentle wisps on the wind. long hair falls in your lap, on your keyboard, it gets everywhere. so i guess the annoyance factor finally outweighed the suave, stylish factor (in other words, the lazy factor). also the fact that it rebelled against me and whipped me in the eye put me on bad terms with it though.

so i hurt myself…again….basically, i can kiss extreme sports good bye. i can go snowboarding, but i can’t be jumping around. I can bike, but not street BMX. hell, i can’t even run without my knee feeling like shit for a couple weeks afterwards. i finally work myself up from a video game playing, dorito munching, 12 pack of coke a day drinking, lard ass to the stunning testament of masculinity i am today. i enjoy this for about a year, and then it gets taken away.

i could be bitter, but then again, it seems pretty futile. i just need some nanomachines that i could spray on my knee and ankle, and then those would go to work, splicing genes, activating proteins, and just rebuilding my knee and ankle from the inside. i mean, your body puts itself into positions that are pretty much a dead end. why the hell shouldn’t your body be able to make a limited repair of your tendons and cartilidge? hmmm, maybe it does though and i am just ignorant to the fact, but i remember that if cartilidge tears, that’s it, it’s torn for good. dammit, why couldn’t i have broken a bone or something.

whine, whine, whine….

well, ok that phase is passed, it’s kinda entertaining to read yourself whining, much more satisfying than just yelling about it, because i don’t remember half the things i yell most of the time, but now i got it in hard copy. that may or may not be a good thing.

i read ben’s idea of going to malls and dressing up as apostles, and frankly, this is one of the most genius ideas i have ever heard. i may be biased (because i tend to be a large proponent of ben’s ideas) but offering salvation and teaching kids the true meaning of christmas would be a pretty large joke. and if ben got in trouble for impersonating jesus? i would call that a badge of honor right there.

anything else up in my head right now that’s dying to get out? oh yeah, video games are awesome. this year just flung me headlong back into playing role-playing games again. i haven’t had one for a couple of days, and it’s driving me nuts. it’s like a movie/book. you play/read for a bit, then put it down and you can come back later and resume it. other games are fun, but i’m in it for the role-playing. i kinda connect it to the discovery of anime (or as i call them now, “cartoons”. it just makes things easier when talking to others) because they’re basically the same thing. i mean, it’s all japanese in the end.

so yeah, it’s almost 2, and i told myself i’d finish some stuff before 4:30 rolls around, and this could take some hours, so back to the grind, thank you for your time, tune in sometime later for more of ryan’s adventures of the inane nature!