hahaha, ok, i probably need to write this down while it’s still in my mind. i was riding today and for some reason i was thinking about how people go about things, and it suddenly hit me. of course this is still pretty much in its evolutionary stage, because i’ve only had a couple of hours to really process it, but it still hit me as something that was important, even if i can’t totally grasp it yet. i like to talk before i think anyways.but most of the time, when i get inspirations like this, it mostly ends up being somewhat important to something….oooh that’s profound. anyways, i was thinking about alyson ( i do this occasionally) and i started trying to think of how she could possibly be the way that she is, with the kind of drifting around randomly, not thinking and causing trouble due to lack of thinking and then just dissappearing (this is greatly summarized, but it pretty much sums it up). so i thought about it more, and was thinking about how i’m kinda the same way, but not, i just can’t really say why. i’ve been trying to figure out the difference since she broke up with me (cause i know i’m not even close to that destructive)

so i started thinking about it in terms of psuedoabstracts, and then it hit me that it was teh abstract thought that was a large difference (not all of it, i think)

not the ability to think abstractly, but how you interpret it. i know alot of people who think abstractly, and most of the time, i think everyone else does a better job of it than i could do. but how you apply it certainly makes alot of difference.

i thought about it some more, and i realized that things that are abstract just don’t scare me anymore. they don’t even cause me a need for concern. like saddam could nuke us at any moment. i could trip and bleed to death somehow. i could be out of work when i graduate from college. i could offend the next person i talk to due to things i may express. i may end up someday not having enough water to drink. etc. but these are all things that COULD happen. the reason that i can becoem so caught up with things that i predict is due to the fact that more often than not, they come true. when it comes down to trying to prepare yourself for the intended outcome of a certain event, you can pretty much predict it. you understand the way our society works, how the people involved pretty mcuh work, how you work, how thermodynamics work, etc. and you can make a pretty accurate guess as to the outcome of something you’re uncertain of. of course there are surprises some of the time, hence the uncertainty. you’re still right most of the time.

this ability to abstractly think, and be able to pretty accuratly predict things is pretty convinient….it allows you to not waste time or money, and do things efficiently. the difference i’m finding is the attatchment of emotions to the abstract. you can visualize anything that you want to with your noggin, anything at all. i kinda feel like people tend to freak themselves out over the abstract, as opposed to treating it as something abstract….make it a foregone conclusion, and you’ll spare yourself the anguish later. i think about how i’ll watch the news and i’ll hear about some dozen people dying or something, and it just gets absorbed. i don’t really care….i didn’t know any of the people, it wasn’t me who did it, and yet due tot he fact that i’m a human being, i’m supposed to have some sort of empathy for their suffering. other people seem to care so i’ll pretend to as well, because it’s easier to say that i care and agree with everyone than try to explain to everyone why i don’t care, because i don’t even know if i can explain it to myself. and i don’t need to explain it to myself because it’s me. i know how i feel, so it makes perfect sense to me why i don’t care. but in order to make my exisistance justfied to others, i have to be able to defend the ideas that i have, when i don’t ever really feel like it. i can pull some logic based, bullshit answer out of my ass to keep others happy, but i don’t like that, because if i’m gonna express myself, i want to at least be doing it correctly. it’s like cheating on tests, you get the rigth answers, but who cares?

the abstract thought is still interesting though, because i thought about how i normally don’t care about things but that i can definatly be able to care about. i just can’t bring myself to care about the abstract. it doesn’t meant hat i can’t have emotional responses to things that happen to me though, it’s just how i react. it’s not something that i can just pawn over and feel worried about when i got other stuff that while not necesarily more important, is actually real. the real factor definatly puts things in perspective for me.

it’s tangible…….i should deal with it.