ok, i know this sounds somber, but i actually was just thinking it, cause it was really amusing to me:

“I wonder if people can tell that i am vacantly staring at them?”

hee hee hee, it’s almost like i’m trying to get caught sometimes….i never do though….*sigh*

wow, i actually got far enough ahead in school, that i got to come home early today. i’m at a loss of what i should do….probably a bike ride pretty soon, but shit i mean, i must be bored if i’m coming here to write, right? mayhaps…..so distracted today, like class was incredibly slow today, where 5 minutes seems like 15, and i was anxious as hell about sitting in there and basically doing nothing. but there wasn’t anything i wanted to be doing when i got out, like now. i don’t really have anything pressing to do, but i feel like i need to be doing something productive….sigh, my inner personality comes out. today is not a day for having to deal with people, i just don’t want to deal with it. it seems to be a theme lately though, i just drown myself in school to avoid others. that and to actually feel like i’m doing SOMEthing, and have tangible results that depend on how well i do.

scatterbrained right now, i should just keep typing, cause i’m not really certain if i’m making cohesive sense. thinking too much between sentances just gives a stacatto, broken up paragraph, because my brain moves at about 10 times the speed of my typing (of course, who doesn’t)

i just feel dissappointed today. not in myself, not in anyone else, but dissappointed in what i have and what i can get in life. i can pretty much do whatever i want to, if i work hard enough, but it all just looks the same in the end. i manufacture unhappinesses for myself so that i can justify my happiness. so it doesn’t really matter what i do or don’t do, i’ll still be in teh same cycle. my illusion of control, is just that…an illusion. i look around at everyone else who seems to be caught up in the same cycle as i am….but i guess that’s unfair to make a broad generalization like that. i can’t claim anythign about anyone else. but it sure seems to me that everyone goes through the same thought processes as i do. not exactly the same mind you, but they mostly end up at the same conclusion, or effect.

i’m disillusioned with the fact that i can’t be disillusioned anymore. i can fool everyone else, but i can’t fool myself. i have enough information about the world to know that i don’t know anything about it, and no amount of yelling is goign to change it. the earth is a giant organisim, and i am just another skin cell that is waiting to work my way to the surface before i get sloughed off.

i read in this side of paradise recently that when the main character in the book was asked if would want to go back to his youth again and relive his life with what he knew now. and he came to the conclusion that he wouldn’t have wanted to. he realized that he would just be extending his life unecesarily, and what he actually wanted to get by being young again is the ability to lose your innocence again. to cross the bridge for the first time, and realize that it was something new, something different from what you previously thought to be true. to drink alcohol for the first time and realize how it is different from the way you’ve been living the previous years of your life. that really hit me because i hadn’t really thought about it like that, and it kinda put things into perspective for me.

not that it really illuminated anything terribly important, it’s just another way to look at things.

i know this all sounds kinda depressing, but there’s still hope at the end of the tunnel. since i preservere, there must be something that i’m going to reach. it doesn’t matter if it’s a goal, a fulfillment of a desire, or a justification for my existance. i know there’s something out there that’ll do it for me, and i’ll at least be at peace with myself. i like to think that i am at peace with myself these days, but can see all the contradictions i pose to myself everyday to disprove that. i think that if i were more at peace with myself, i’d be less irritated by others. i wouldn’t have this feeling of unfounded dissappointment.

but it’s all up and down anyways, i think everything in this universe works in sinusoidal waves, and the more i live, the more i believe in it. one extreme to the next. perhaps i’m dissappointed because i was too happy last night. i mean it sounds really sad, but i was so happy last ngiht when i was watching anime. like it was the last episode of azumanga daioh that i was watching, and so it was the wrap up episode. and the entire episode i just had a stupid grin on my face.

yeah, i’m a dork, but i’ve been at terms with that for awhile now. anyways, just thinking about how i felt last night, and what caused it makes me feel better already….up and down.

i’m a silly person, but i get by

ok, school moment of the day:

i was walking from the library towards my chemistry class, and i glance up at this large big metal sculpture thing that’s basically just a big slab of steel stood on it’s long end.

and i see written in 4 foot high letters the word “BUKKAKE”.

my god, i started laughing so hard i was bending over in the middle of a busy walk way, i’m sure with people wondering what the hell was so funny. man, i’m snickering right now just thinking of it. i mean, it’s such a hilarious word. i wonder how many people who walked by had no idea what it meant?

probably, alot more than i think…..

god, the feeling of finishing some test you ‘re freaking out about is great to finish, but the drained feeling is there…..plus my bike needs some serious repairs so i had to run home again…..and now i gotta go study for my physics test that is tomrrow at 12….this week can’t be over soon enough.

done whining, back to work.

how’s your day going?

goodness gracious, i am going jogging for the 3rd time past midnight to keep myself from spinning

if i wasn’t so goddamn proud of myself, i’d probably go do something less physically intensive,

i rule.

as i stare at the paper mache judge that presides over the top of our tv, i can’t help but feel guilty. i mean, he’s judgung me, right? what else to judges do besides judge what is and isn’t. i think that when he looks at me, he knows i’m isn’t.

or wasn’t.

or ever was.

apply above as necesary.

that spread aside, today is HAPPY DAY! (inspired by ryoko hirosue)

i got to lay in the sun, and i just went and bought myself a half rack of natty ice for 5 bucks. i can tell i got a good night ahead of me here. next week is bad, but that’s next week. the judge is looking at me and reminding me of next week…

*flipping off judge* yeah! take that! (the ownage is complete)

hahaha, it always makes me happy to see people downloading inital d music off my computer, especially space boy

Ryan Comm 101:

so this may seem painfully obvious to some of ya’ll out there, but there was something i kinda realized over the past week or so that is just so painfully obvious that it doesn’t really get noticed.

in social situations, if you don’t feel like talking, just ask the other person “how was your day?” or “how did such-and-such problem go?” in all actuallity, most people are readily avalible to talk to you about your problems, complain, or just talk about themselves. i think i always kinda knew this, but it just made me not want to ask, because asking would inevitably lead to it, and it bugged me.

but now, i look at it as a great cop out. it’s not like it matters what gets said or not said to me. so if i don’t talk or talk, it’s basically the same thing in the end. and if i got to talk to someone to alleviate some sort of social awkwardness (that term always makes me smile) all i gotta do is ask people the question they want to be asked because once that barrier is overcome, they can talk to their hearts content. if i don’t ask, then they feel like they’re just whining about whatever. but if i give them permission to whine about whatever, then suddenly it’s not all on them, and the floodgates can open.

and some people can really keep the ball rolling once the floodgate has been opened, other people might take more of a line of questioning to keep things going, but i find that most of the people i interact want to talk in some fashion or another. they’re almost dying to sometimes. and i’ll admit i’m like this sometimes too, i mean something exciting or out of the ordinary happened to me, so i want to relate it to someone. but this doesn’t happen very often due to relative routine of my life. some people can just go off of nothing though, and continue to talk about nothing for hours on end. this is fascinating to me. i mean, pulling all this meaning out of the same old shit is really a skill. turning the mundane into something to talk about (time-wise, not content-wise) is pretty damn common, but to make it somewhat interesting is pretty impressive. needless to say, there are very few people who can do this (including myself), and watching someone in action is always interesting.

but yeah, then once you get the ball rolling, you can just let it go off it’s own momentum, and then all you gotta do is nod and agree, and occasionally throw their words back at them. talk about some great time killing! just make sure not to disagree or provide any provocative comments, otherwise you might have to start thinking, and interacting, because about 90% of the time, it really isn’t worth it. probably 97% actually….

so i think that’s about it, i got some other stuff i waas thinking about personality and personage that i got out of a book i read recently, so i’m putting that down now to make sure i write about it.

until then, it’s back to school for a few more hours (well maybe more than a few) <———– Whining About Self!

…

so i’ll get back to it!

oh the humanity….

ok so mike’s blog died for “unspecified reasons”

despite the fact that “unspecified” is highly obvious, i still have to bid it farewell. its not like it’s really going anywhere anyways, since wudar.com is all about geology, and his blog was pretty damn near the same thing.

adieu, mike’s blog, adieu….

*moment of silence*

so yeah, now that the theatrics are over, i can get to more important things, like how empty my life is. Have i told anyone recently how empty i feel all the time? i just meander around, looking for meaning, something to fill this void of nothing, and yet all i do is find more nothing in return. if only i could fill myself up with meaning, then i’d be happy, fullfilled, etc.

(please note very sarcastic tone, if not obvious)

it’s funny (let’s see if i can analogy this), i feel like i was running in this race for awhile (of the social variety) and then one day i just went “why the hell am i even running?” then i looked around and everyone was gone, cause i stopped running. and it felt…nice. i just laid down in the middle of the track and passed out, with a cold beer in my hand. i didn’t just give up, i just realized that there was no difference to me if i was running or not. and running is definatly more difficult than passing out with a cold beer in your hand. but it’s not like i’m stagnant, just taking my own pace as opposed to trying to keep up with everyone else.

so yeah, that kinda sums up the past year or so i think.

History of the Ryan: Part 1

back to ochem….

i am now proceeding to take my final 6 mg of coumadin, for what i hope will be the last time….man, am i glad that’s done with, six months of thin blood is more than enough, thank you.

ok, so we went camping this weekend, and it was some good fun, i mean, basically it comes down to:

1. Beer

2. Fire

but we mixed it up a little bit and went on a hike for about 5 hours or so, but it was really nice. the trail was just an old logging road, and it felt good to be walking around outside. running around old growth forests can be kinda disorienting because everything looks the same, it completley nullified my sense of direction.

but now that the weekend is over, it’s back to school again, with projects and reading and homework abound, and so i hop to it