wow, i actually got far enough ahead in school, that i got to come home early today. i’m at a loss of what i should do….probably a bike ride pretty soon, but shit i mean, i must be bored if i’m coming here to write, right? mayhaps…..so distracted today, like class was incredibly slow today, where 5 minutes seems like 15, and i was anxious as hell about sitting in there and basically doing nothing. but there wasn’t anything i wanted to be doing when i got out, like now. i don’t really have anything pressing to do, but i feel like i need to be doing something productive….sigh, my inner personality comes out. today is not a day for having to deal with people, i just don’t want to deal with it. it seems to be a theme lately though, i just drown myself in school to avoid others. that and to actually feel like i’m doing SOMEthing, and have tangible results that depend on how well i do.

scatterbrained right now, i should just keep typing, cause i’m not really certain if i’m making cohesive sense. thinking too much between sentances just gives a stacatto, broken up paragraph, because my brain moves at about 10 times the speed of my typing (of course, who doesn’t)

i just feel dissappointed today. not in myself, not in anyone else, but dissappointed in what i have and what i can get in life. i can pretty much do whatever i want to, if i work hard enough, but it all just looks the same in the end. i manufacture unhappinesses for myself so that i can justify my happiness. so it doesn’t really matter what i do or don’t do, i’ll still be in teh same cycle. my illusion of control, is just that…an illusion. i look around at everyone else who seems to be caught up in the same cycle as i am….but i guess that’s unfair to make a broad generalization like that. i can’t claim anythign about anyone else. but it sure seems to me that everyone goes through the same thought processes as i do. not exactly the same mind you, but they mostly end up at the same conclusion, or effect.

i’m disillusioned with the fact that i can’t be disillusioned anymore. i can fool everyone else, but i can’t fool myself. i have enough information about the world to know that i don’t know anything about it, and no amount of yelling is goign to change it. the earth is a giant organisim, and i am just another skin cell that is waiting to work my way to the surface before i get sloughed off.

i read in this side of paradise recently that when the main character in the book was asked if would want to go back to his youth again and relive his life with what he knew now. and he came to the conclusion that he wouldn’t have wanted to. he realized that he would just be extending his life unecesarily, and what he actually wanted to get by being young again is the ability to lose your innocence again. to cross the bridge for the first time, and realize that it was something new, something different from what you previously thought to be true. to drink alcohol for the first time and realize how it is different from the way you’ve been living the previous years of your life. that really hit me because i hadn’t really thought about it like that, and it kinda put things into perspective for me.

not that it really illuminated anything terribly important, it’s just another way to look at things.

i know this all sounds kinda depressing, but there’s still hope at the end of the tunnel. since i preservere, there must be something that i’m going to reach. it doesn’t matter if it’s a goal, a fulfillment of a desire, or a justification for my existance. i know there’s something out there that’ll do it for me, and i’ll at least be at peace with myself. i like to think that i am at peace with myself these days, but can see all the contradictions i pose to myself everyday to disprove that. i think that if i were more at peace with myself, i’d be less irritated by others. i wouldn’t have this feeling of unfounded dissappointment.

but it’s all up and down anyways, i think everything in this universe works in sinusoidal waves, and the more i live, the more i believe in it. one extreme to the next. perhaps i’m dissappointed because i was too happy last night. i mean it sounds really sad, but i was so happy last ngiht when i was watching anime. like it was the last episode of azumanga daioh that i was watching, and so it was the wrap up episode. and the entire episode i just had a stupid grin on my face.

yeah, i’m a dork, but i’ve been at terms with that for awhile now. anyways, just thinking about how i felt last night, and what caused it makes me feel better already….up and down.

i’m a silly person, but i get by