basically, not a whole lot of epiphanies in the past couple of weeks or so.

the more i interact with people, the more that they amaze me. i interact with friends, acquaintanceses, strangers, and they all have their quirks. the closer you get though, the more quirks there are. the more you have to deal with. the more you have to probably placate. there’s nothing wrong with this, i suppose. i feel that the more i interact with people, the more i have to placate them. there are of course, people that don’t need any of this, and these people have my utmost respect. they live their life and form their ideas in the way that they want to, and more or less don’t care about what others think about it. but many of the people i interact with, want to be babied. they want to be told what they want to hear, and most times, it doesn’t even matter what i say, they’ll still hear what they want to.

and i say, good for them, obviously they have thing much better figured out than the rest of us, and know exactly what they are doing. since they have everything so figured out (to a T) it is their duty to enlighten the rest of us. obviously some are more successful than others (jesus) and the fact that your ideas should only serve yourself is unacceptable. to validate your ideas, ideals, and convictions, they need to be approved of by others. the more people the better. the more people you have to back up your ideals, the more valid they become. if i only have 100 people believing in the way i think,i will be crushed by someone who has 1000 people believing in what they think. social darwinisim takes its course and i am devoured. as i should, since i am the weaker link, the less adaptable, the least contributing member of society.

i’m not contributing anything to the masses. i wonder if i should be eliminated? it only seems logica, since i’m not contributing anythign to the wholel. nothing that is terribly consequential, anyways. maybe i’ll contribute somethign consequential eventually, but it’s still so arbitrary, that it will still be up to other people whether or not i contributed anything. i should either stop contributing to anyone but myself (which i feel like i’ve been doing, but i’m feeling like i’m not that selfish) or just pull myself out of the gene pool (which sure as hell isn’t going to happen voluntarily). so, damned if i do, damned if i don’t. but that would also infer that i cared about anyone, or anyone cared about me.i care about people, i know that i do, but i can’t be sure people care about me. i mean, i get a pretty solid idea that people like me, but it ain’t as rock solid as my own convictions. which doesn’t make them any less important, just less concrete to me.

i’m not angry i suppose, nor bitter, or esoteric. more than anything, i’m just plain old pragmatic. i’ve always been pragmatic, and i walways will be, as far as i can tell. in a way, it’s a heartless way to live, and it definatly can be. that doesn’t mean it has to be though. i guess i’m trying to apply my pragmatic side to a arbitrarily caring society, and it’s hard to make the two mesh. i don’t even know if it’s possible. mostly i see people just making complete comprimises and just giving up trying to make two opposing ideas connect, and just keeping the two seperate, and knowing how to act in this situation and how to act in this one. yeah, this sounds like oversimplifying to me as well, but i just can’t see a total pragmatist surviving in this society without a comprimise of character.

hmmmmm….maybe that’s why i feel so bitter all the time, i have to comprimise my character to hang around with others. it’s an interesting proposal….i’m not even sure if i do comprimise it when i think about it, but i really think that i do it all the time. if i didn’t comprimise it, it would lead to more strife, and conflict, because when character comes into play, people have to defend it to the very core of what they are, because it shapes so much of what or who they are. also if i didn’t comprimise my character, i would have nothing to complain about, because i would always be me, no matter what. since i’m not me, and often act as a pretend me to fit in with other people, cliches, groups, etc., it leaves me with somethign to be bitter about because i have to pretend when i don’t want to, and would prefer not to. but i do anyways to make things easier.

i think this makes me weak. i really should be able to confront strife and realize that i’m not going to be compatable with everyone. and i know that i’m not going to be compatable with everyone, it’s just that i can’t bring all the people that i connect with the best and crowd them into “Ryantown” because more often than not, they wouldn’t connect with everyone there like i would, and things just aren’t like that. if you’re gonna live somewhere there’s going to be people you don’t like, people who don’t agree with your views, people who openly don’t like you. if you want to lash out, it’s cool, if you want to ignore it, that’s fine as well. the biggest misconception that most people i meet have is that they are out of control. i mean, something like your brother being hit by a bus is out of your control. but the way you react and shape yourself accordingly is in your control. most people i meet think that both are out of their control though. like the fact that your brother got hit by a bus leads to only one possible conclusion…one possible way for you to react to it that is completley out of your control….yet in reality (mine anyways) you chose to do it that way, and there were multiple choices for you to make, and yet you settled on one.

hahahaha, that reminds me alot of beign frivolous because alot of people focus on one choice, when there are probably more than just one. why choose one, when they’re all valid? i suppose the fact that some choices contradict one another keeps people from going all out and choosing nothing. i kinda think that choosing nothing is as bad as choosing one thing. it’s the fact that you dead set yourself in one choice, one reason, one possibility for anything.

don’t limit yourself to one choice, because you’re only limiting yourself at that point. (god, it’s funny that it sounds so damn cheesy, and yet so frivolous at the same time….perhaps it was the build up)

but i guess basically, the point i want to make is that just because you have come to a rock-solid conclusion (in your mind) doesn’t mean others have the same convictions. and yet when i talk to people (other than my friends….and sometimes them i suppose) i get the distinct impression that they’re trying to tell me what i think is wrong, and why i should take their line of thought. sigh….i guess it’s always gonna be like this.

i guess it doesn’t have to be though, i’m not smart enough to think outside of the patterns i live in, but i hope there is someone out there who can truly point me the way out of the box.

maybe ben and i will be the crusaders and i don’t yet know about it, because i’m too humble to notice ( and can’t tell the future 🙂 )

maybe i’m full of shit and always will be

even if i am, at least i feel like i’m not full of it to me 🙂