ben rules.

i’m a big fan of ben’s latest blog. not because i’m in agreeance, or think that ben has finally come to grips with himself, or anything as inane as that but the fact that his writing screams he doesn’t need anyone’s approval is so refreshing. the only reason that he defended himself (where i think none is even necesary) is just to give the blog some substance. i figure ben didn’t even need to write any of that, but it helps to jot things down sometimes (as i so often do) to give yourself some coherency.

so tomorrow’s my birthday, and i’m posed with the same kind of questions that ben is…am i a failure? what else could drive me in this society we live in besides a fear of failure? but as ben points out, what is a failure? what TV tells me is a burn out? or do i fail when i do a difficult major for five years and realize its full of just as much shit as working at a menial minimum wage job? do i fail when i attempt something and fail, or never attempt it in the first place? i mean, when i look at anything i do, can i fail in the first place, since everything is supposed to be a learning experience and i look at all of the mistakes i’ve made over the years as something that makes me a better person to myself. if i hadn’t had all that weight to lose, i wouldn’t have become as active of a person as i am now. if i hadn’t had a disasterous first relationship, i wouldn’t be so happy in the one i’m in now. without everything i’ve done in my life, i would never be the person i am today, and frankly, i’m damn happy with myself. everything i’ve done for 23 years has been guided to this, very non-climactic point, and i don’t really think it’s going to get anymore exciting. it’ll drag on sure, but it still ain’t going anywhere in the end. and so what? if i’m living, i can experience what i want to, and interpret it how i want to, and end up with an idea that i feel is satisfactory to what makes me happy. if something comes along and changes it, so be it, as long as it has the oppertunity to make me happy, i’ll give it a chance.

i mean, really, why the hell not?

i remember last year at this time i wrote a huge huge blog about self reflection and looking for meaning. i don’t know if i’ve found anything or have any need for self reflection at this point in my life. i don’t have it figured out, but it comes with time. i figure i’m just not in a hurry for answers anymore. you can’t just lie down and expect life to be handed to you, but there is also such a thing as working too hard. i’m into neither right now, but that could change pretty easily.

hey, i’m easy.