a little avoidance blog.

supposed to be studying, but its hard to focus after spending 7 hours in the lab, so i’ll get crackin as soon as i write this blog. i have to anyways, time for a hell week. i think i deserve it after all the slacking i’ve been doing for the past week. i just don’t care about school anymore. i’m barley gonna make it out, that much i can see.

i spent 7 hours in the lab, and it seemed like nothing. i didn’t hate it, it was kinda fun, and i could see my self doing something like this at least for a couple of years before i burnt myself out. but already i don’t know if i want to because its just another get-in-through-connections-field-and-suffer-through-bullshit profession, just like them all. if you don’t start somethign on your own, then you’re going to be at someone else’s whim. and if you are, it’ll probably end up that there are other people along with you. if the boss is good, then all will be well, but this seems like it never can be the case. it’s impossible to cater to the needs of all your employees, and most time there is stupisity involved. this leads to the workers being unsatisfied, and then cliques in the workgroup start forming, and if you’re lucky you’ll find someone you can relate to, and make things more bearable. the movie theater, starflower, safeway, working in a lab, its all the same shit. you work with people you get along with, and put up witht he morons.

there is no escape from the cycle. i hear other adults talking about their jobs and its the same. you work, and it sucked because this boss was there, or this co worker. it made things suck. you couldn’t get something done because of them. you couldn’t do this on time. on and on and on. you work in a constant cycle of putting up with crap, just to return to it later. man, what a hopeless scenario. more than likely if i did something enjoyable like open a brewery, teach at high school, elucidate a metabolic patway that can be exploited to treat cancer, it will involve working with others, and you’re not goign to get along with them all.

i can deal, but people like to create drama, and so the cycle goes. drama in your social life, drama in your work life, the only place you can escape from drama is your own mind, your place of solitude. without any of that excess stimuli, you can live in harmony. of course this won’t last because you need food, you need water, you need entertainment, and all these other things you have been brought up on and are hard to get rid of. i mean, i like to simplify my life, but i wouldn’t readily cut video games, the internet or books out of it, because i enjoy them all so much. if other people didn’t exsist, i wouldn’t have these things, because i can’t create them myself. everyone depends so much on everyone else in this world, that it’s hard to escape.

and as much as i hate the fact that i have to live in these kinds of conditions, i thrive off them as well. i can’t say for sure because it hasn’t happened in awhile, but if i’m alone long enough, eventually i want to hang around with people. to interact, and exchange ideas, and various other forms of social discourse. i just don’t want them now because i can see some shitty cycles and am angry that i am both too powerless and lazy to break this cycle. maybe just lazy, cause i’d like to think that if i at least tried i could do something about it. but do somethign about what?

break the cycle. break what cycle? my life? could i move to the mountains with a knife and live off the land? now i’m probably going to be dependant on a drug for the rest of my life, just so my body doesn’t revolt against me and send a blood clot to my lungs, thus killing itself.if i moved to the mountains, i wouldn’t be able to get this drug, and thus i would die. i’ve already become a slave to this society through that. if all else fails, i can find food, and water, but not blood thinners. i’m alreay a slave to my needs, but at least all the necesities can be organically produced. now i got this chemical that i need to live. what a bunch of bullshit that is. regardless i’d rather live, and i’m sure alot of other people would like to see that as well, but now i’m more dependant on our society than ever.

i guess its not that big of a deal, i’m just bitter about my prospects for the future, and i just can’t see it looking much better than it is right now. the more i get, the more trouble it’s going to be. and yet i don’t want to simplify because of the pressure to succeed.

one interesting thing i did read (in a great book called The Beak of the Finch) about in evolution class that i’m supposed to be studying for now are thoughts on why conciousness came to be. everything else that has evolved is to avoid direct competition with other organisims fending for the same types of resources. by gaining an advantage of self-awareness we have filled the highest of ecological niches. we can create our own niches now, and modify them as we see fit. no other organisim will come to occupy this niche because we got there first, and it wouldn’t serve as an advantage, cause we’re already filling it. by filling this niche, we are at the same time, driving the evolution of this planet. we dust crops, placing heavy selection on insects to find ways from being killed. we disinfect everything to make sure that it won’t get us sick, but at the same time, we are putting huge pressure on bacteria and viruses to evolve. we alter the temperature of the earth which in change affects weather patterns, which changes the environmental pressures on another species. just because we are ruining this planet doesn’t mean we can destroy it. eventually, there will be a fast acting bacteria that has resistance to all our anti-biotics. eventually, we’ll raise the temperature of the globe up enough to alter the amount of dry land able to support all 6 billion of us. it may take a couple of decades, or it could take millions of years, but this planet is goign to go right on creating selective pressure that causes species to try and take advantage of them the best that they can. the world will not end if we or any species die out, it’ll go right on pushing plate techtonics, and absorbing energy from the sun until both are no more.

this isn’t one of the largest revelations i’ve ever had, its just one of those things that gets put into perspective for you by someone else, and it hits differently. it’s kinda bleak, but when you can look back 8 million years and see thousands of different species that aren’t alive today, but left descendants of what they once may have been, it makes you feel a little small. i don’t really care about the feeling small part, life will go on, and i’ll keep surviving, any way i see fit.

so i guess, that is what’s cool about being alive and concious. laughing in the face of evolution, as we slowly but surely drive our own change. i know evolution will have the last laugh though, and i’ll adapt or die, which is one of the few choices i really have.