typing while standing. the new way to be? or probably just something to spice it up a bit.

this is really great, i’m in the mood to write something, but everything strikes me as inane, and not even worth documenting here. at the same time, this is a bunch of self-rightous crap that i pile down to allow myself some form of writing outlet in a convinient fashion.

i guess in the end, i’m trying to kill time because i’m programmed to study really really hard because that’s what i did all last year, and now that i mostly just work in labs as opposed to doing them, my finishing classes are a bit of a joke. i mean, after you take biochemistry, genetics, and developmental biology in a quarter, all with respective labs, everything else just seems like you barley have to try to get the same mediocre grades that you always get. i always wanted to just try the not studying tactic to see if i get roughly the same grade i do when i work at it all week, but i’m too chicken in the end.

risks of any type are not my forte, besides the calculated risks that fall heavily in the favor of success.

i went over to one of my friend’s yesterday and they fed me this fabulous meal, which seems to happen everytime i go there (mostly because i think they eat on a gourmet level all the time). but anyways, i just had to wash dishes so i could feel like i was contributing something to the meal, and not just mooching.

theni realized that even at this low stress job i have, i can still get into hyper-stress mode. even at school, i can get into this high stress zone, where i am on high alert and everything matters. i thrive on this shit. i’m laid back but if you put pure unadulterated goals in front of me, i start slathering like a beaten and starved german shepard with a piece of meat in front of it. i know that on a level, i hate having to ride my bike to school, i hate having to go to school, and the same goes for work. there’s this inherent laziness that’s at the foundation of my soul, and its in a constant struggle with my hard-working tendancies. all the while i am doing things like going to school and work, and all i can think of is “dammit, i just want a day where i can sit around and do anything i want to” and yet when i have that oppertunity (which is basically the summer) i end up keeping myself just as busy with people and activities. when i do sit down for an extended period of time because everyone’s busy, and i don’t have any responsibilities, it’s still not as i envision it. everything about everything is so built up in my head, that when i actually get to it, it’s not what i was expecting. this isn’t necesarily dissappointing, it is just not what i expected it to be.

except for this ciggarette i had a couple nights ago.

i don’t smoke them that often, but i had a few beers after a day of studying all day and working all night, and i had a cigarette from this pack i found in a theater from the previous weekend.

i dragged smoke from that bitch and it was like i could feel the nicotine radiating through my lungs to the rest of my body. that cigarette was a poetic vignette to every other cigarette i had smoked, and the endless possibilites entailed to you by inhaling burning leaves through a cotton filter into your lungs.

it had all that it had ever promised as a cigarette, and all that i could ever expect from it. it promised no more than it gave me, and didn’t skimp when asked to go the whole nine yards.

it glowed in irrational glory, and shimmered in the dumbing incadescent porch light from my neighbors. me holding this burning, dried plant in my hand gave me more perspective about why i ingest chemicals, or perform such rediculous rituals, than most of the crap i pretend gives me something for nothing.

it was just me and the ciggarette, neither of us judging, basking in what we could provide to each other. i thanked the particular tobacco plant that had provided this stunning perfection of marlboro red, and i went inside completly satisfied, and actually wishing that this glorious creation could have lasted longer than it did.

it was a strange experience to say the least, almost like a regaining of innocence only ot lose it all over again, but with a perspective of having lost it for the first time.

i guess that being concious can sometimes be a curse, but when you get down to it, it really has some perks that make it all worth while.