i have all these glimmers of things that i used to be, and yet i do nothing to change them. i pick up my violin a couple times a week now that i don’t have school, and it feels great to be playing again. i work for my professor finishing up the project i started last year, and i feel better about myself. i still exercise, but i do the bare minimum, and when i push myself to lift and do sit ups, i feel better. i have this set of things i do, and when i rise above it, i feel like i’mm accomplishing something.

and yet, these things still fail to motivate me to strive higher. as soon as i find a real job, i know that’s gonna be it. all drive to be creative and above what i do will be dead. i feel this deadness in me after about my fourth year of college, where i just don’t give a damn anymore. everything i deal with on a daily basis is so arbitrary, that you can’t really prepare for it, only roll with the punches.

everything has been eerily coincidental latley. things i hear or see in media, just end up popping into my daily life, and it’s like life is trying to tell me something, but i don’t know what. it might be that i’m just noticing these things more that i have less to distract myself, but it just seems wierd.

i got into a white out fight with my tutee today, that shit’s really hard to get off of you once it’s on. my face feels raw from rubbing it off. it’s like paint.

i need to get out of bellingham, but i’m scared it’s going to be exactly like this anyways. i guess my only real motivation to get a new job is that i don’t have any medical coverage, and all it would take is one slip off my bike and i’d be in a financial hole for the next 40 years.

i feel like i’m just exsisting, but i feel like there isn’t anything beyond that. no grand scheme, no enlightenment, no expanding horizons. nothing seems to surprise me anymore, because anything in this universe seems feasible. i’m capable of some pretty nasty things, but also some very nice things, and so is everyone else. everyone is so alike with one another it’s sickening. if everyone realized how alike they were in their thought processes, problem solving, emotions and feelings, who knows what would happen. i figure that being able to empathize with others is a great thing, but at the same time, you want things for yourself. if everyone understood everything about everyone, there would be no more mystery to life, and everyone would exsist as one large organisim, since everyone would know everything about everyone. maybe that’s what we’re destined for. going from billions of related, but not interconnected beings to one monstorous super-being. then of course as a super being, we would look for more super-beings to relate with.

everyone wants to belong, everyone wants to be accepted, but be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

so i’ve been meditating so much that i have been neglecting this guy. on the other hand there’s not really much to talk about. stagnancy would be the word for it, looking for jobs and not finding anything, but then again, not trying very hard in the first place. going to work, dealing with stuff there. coming home, dealing with stuff there.

everything and everyone blurs together to this link of events that no matter how extraordinary it seems, comes back down to seeming ordinary yet again. the more that i look around at everyone and everything around me, the more i realize that they share more common qualities than differing ones.

but it doesn’t make one feel hopeless, just powerless. the two are interconnected, but then again, so is everything, i feel, just with differeing levels of detail. embracing the powerlessness (or just acknowleding it, i suppose) leaves you only at the mercy of yourself, which unfortunatly is your cruelest tormentor.

despite all the doom-and-gloom though, i have to say that things are spectacular, and i am beyond content. school is done, and i couldn’t be happier. wading through one pile of bull shit just to dive head first into the next one doesn’t seem that bad anymore. at least it will be a change of pace.