so yesterday was a balls out kind of day, i was just feeling it. since i came into work at 7, i could leave at 3, and i thought it would be a great idea to go for a long ride to start to get ready for the seattle-to-portland, which is in july. as anyone who lives around here knows, it was glorious yesterday, as it is today as well, almost 90 degrees around here, it feels amazing.

so i went around burke-gilman to UW, where i popped onto lake washington boulevard, to the i-90 bridge, cutting through bellevue to 148th and making my way back to bothell via burke gilman again. all in all it was probably about 50 miles, in about 5 hours.

the major good part: i made it, closely followed by no puking throughout it either. there was cramping and tunnel vision though, so i’m definatly going to need to do some work. this is heartening to methough , if i want to ride 200 miles in two days. it lets me know that i need to get my ass in to long-distance shape, but since my body isn’t a complete wreck at all today, a month will be plenty of time to prepare.

i’m excited to say the least, i’ve never tried anything of this caliber before, and since i don’t think i’ll be able to run a marathon for a while without my left calf exploding (due to thin blood and clots and whatnot), this will be a good substitue.

the route map looks great as well, if i don’t spend most of it staring at the ground.

i feel this incessant need to write, the need to do something mentally stimulating, the need to discover something important, i think. something earth shaking, something fiendishly brilliant that i could never have thought of in a million years. something that gives my life new perspective about what i have, what i can have, and what i may very well have some day. thoughts, ideals, morals, all bending around each other inside of me to make up this complex of the rational and the irrational, so tightly bound together as to have no way of separation without destruction. the ability to express things in a way that is clearer than any other way thought possible before.

these are all things that sometimes strike me, but are lost, lost because i get swept away by other real life problems like life. a frame of reference can work so well as to keep everything else out. not on purpose, but it just works out that when you can only focus in a certain direction, you can’t see behind you.

i’m constantly plagued by the saying “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and yet you always end up trying to fix it. for better or for worse it goes, but sometimes you just crave change. something new, and something exciting, no matter what the level. change can be as addictive as anything you do. anything you do can be considered an addiction if looked at right. i’m pretty addicted to food, sunlight, air and water. the line between necessity and desire are blurred to me, because all my needs are supplied to, leaving my desires to run free and consume my life. i wonder if that’s how most people are?

but everything seems to be a passing fancy, what seems like a good idea at one point, is a stupid one at another. why do people shower if they’re just going to get dirty again? is there this innate feeling of trying to establish order in people? since the human body is one of the biggest paradigms of order known, does that order leave an impression on us, striving to create more order? if you look at electronics, they are incredibly meticulous, and on a huge level of order where everything needs to be working properly to function. as humans became ordered over millions of years (near exponential on the geologic time scale) so is our created order exponentially growing.

the organic patterns in everything around you is amazing. different parts of America, playing different roles in the country, much like organs in a body. roads connecting hubs of commerce together, much like a circulation system. cars driving on these roads, much like blood cells, carrying goods and ideas. Huge cities like LA and New York, comparative to a brain mass with trillions of nerve endings. all of us smaller organisms working together to create a giant organism with the same divisions of labor, specialization, and compartmentalization that is consistent from animals to plants, to the smallest bacterium or virus.

all this order from chaos, and now full circle with order creating chaos.

it almost seems unreal sometimes.

rain, rain, glorious rain.

it’s been awhile sine it rained like this, and it’s pretty nice, i’m hoping that it hold up until i get off of work, because i’ll be playing soccer with my co-workers, and soccer in the rain is more fun i think, more all over the place.

unfortunatly i don’t think i’ll be able to get a job here though, as nice as it would be, 20 some people got laid off right before i came on, and another 20 some got laid off on tuesday. it’s unfortunate, because i know i would really like working here, but it’s just wrong place, wrong time. it seems like everyone bounces around in biotech anyways, so i’ll probably be working in plenty of places.

i can’t believe the way the mariners played last night, it was amazing. of course i went to the game on tuesday, which was one of the most dissappointing games i’ve ever seen, even while being drunk. but when i go to mariner games anyways , it’s more of a social event than actually going to see the game though. I don’t keep up with the mariners in any serious way (say, like ben does) so i’m mostly there to smuggle in my own booze, and enjoy a night of baseball at a nice field. i’ll admit its more fun when the game is close though, or the mariners are winning.

of course it was also amusing to see the staggeringly drunk people in the rows above us yell and get rowdy, and watch this old woman fume after a whole beer got dumped down her back, all the while theis guy is just repeating “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I know i’m really drunk, but I’m sorry.” i know i’ve probably doen something like that, but was probably too drunk to remember, and seeing it second hand was pretty funny.

Green also won the hydroplane race, so all was good.

ahhh, cinco de mayo, another st. patricks day type holiday where drinking is highly encouraged. i’ll probably be lame tonight anyways.

so much white noise around me here at work, freezers constantly going, vents constantly pushing air, lots of energy to create order in this building. white noise everywhere though, not just here. white noise in the sense of everything. noise noise noise, no direction, no meaning just noise.

here i am, the end product of my college career, and it couldn’t be better, good job, good home, good girlfriend, and that’s great. it’s time for a break as far as i’m concerned, do mindless work, but do a good job of it, and just do what i want afterwards. it’s school without the homework.

i feel like i should be jaded and yet, i’m not, my situation here is like i predicted, you work with other people and you have to deal with workplace drama. but at least i don’t have to deal with customers.

but i think i just have the mindset to deal with it now. at least i’m in a business where i can work my way up, and prove myself as a valuable employee, and be the good little boy i’ve always been. The older you get the more you regress towards being a kid. i find myself acting childish and yet adult all the time, and it’s like two parts of me that agree to disagree. i suppose everyone probably has the same problems though, in one direction or the other, too much child, or too much adult. i certainly wouldn’t want to be too much of either one. i feel like they’ve come to terms with each other, since they’re both necessary for my sanity. I think they both figured out that more understanding leads to more things that are ridiculous, which in turn, leads to more comedy.

it leaves me feeling neutral about everything, which i guess is my nature, or it could be something i’ve conditioned so well that it feels completely natural. it goes beyond self-discovery, or any hope of finding out who i “truly” am. indifference shines through like a laser beam that blinds out everything else. this indifference doesn’t sprout up from apathy, yet apathy is there.

i guess it comes from scope. like being the bacteria in your GI tract that is going to be expelled when you take a crap. a third of your crap is bacteria, but billions more remain inside of you. good thing those bacteria aren’t conscious, otherwise they might be pissed about being crapped out, and try everything in their power not to come out. (pardon my biology, but it’s how i think about things) so i’m this little bacteria in a huge organisim that relies more on trends than any active decision, and i am conscious of myself, and i’ll do anything to keep myself alive and happy. reality and unreality are so closely linked so as to hardly be able to distinguish between the two. i am this human, another stepping stone on the path of evolution to something better suited for another environment ( i guess the environment of the mind) thousands of species of all forms of life have come and gone, leaving what we have today. dozens of major catastrophies, sunlight, water, all coming together to make this planet the way it is, and it could have been a multitude of a trillion of other possibilities.

and yet here i am, somehow surviving, helping break down matter for entropy, and all i have are the things that make me happy. and i’ll cherish those things until they aren’t there anymore, then i’ll reminisce about them and find something else that makes me happy, until my final breath. Filling up your time is easy, and while you sit around and wonder where it went, you waste more time. I think that consciousness is just this huge catch-22, and it seems ridiculous to treat it otherwise.