i feel this incessant need to write, the need to do something mentally stimulating, the need to discover something important, i think. something earth shaking, something fiendishly brilliant that i could never have thought of in a million years. something that gives my life new perspective about what i have, what i can have, and what i may very well have some day. thoughts, ideals, morals, all bending around each other inside of me to make up this complex of the rational and the irrational, so tightly bound together as to have no way of separation without destruction. the ability to express things in a way that is clearer than any other way thought possible before.

these are all things that sometimes strike me, but are lost, lost because i get swept away by other real life problems like life. a frame of reference can work so well as to keep everything else out. not on purpose, but it just works out that when you can only focus in a certain direction, you can’t see behind you.

i’m constantly plagued by the saying “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” and yet you always end up trying to fix it. for better or for worse it goes, but sometimes you just crave change. something new, and something exciting, no matter what the level. change can be as addictive as anything you do. anything you do can be considered an addiction if looked at right. i’m pretty addicted to food, sunlight, air and water. the line between necessity and desire are blurred to me, because all my needs are supplied to, leaving my desires to run free and consume my life. i wonder if that’s how most people are?

but everything seems to be a passing fancy, what seems like a good idea at one point, is a stupid one at another. why do people shower if they’re just going to get dirty again? is there this innate feeling of trying to establish order in people? since the human body is one of the biggest paradigms of order known, does that order leave an impression on us, striving to create more order? if you look at electronics, they are incredibly meticulous, and on a huge level of order where everything needs to be working properly to function. as humans became ordered over millions of years (near exponential on the geologic time scale) so is our created order exponentially growing.

the organic patterns in everything around you is amazing. different parts of America, playing different roles in the country, much like organs in a body. roads connecting hubs of commerce together, much like a circulation system. cars driving on these roads, much like blood cells, carrying goods and ideas. Huge cities like LA and New York, comparative to a brain mass with trillions of nerve endings. all of us smaller organisms working together to create a giant organism with the same divisions of labor, specialization, and compartmentalization that is consistent from animals to plants, to the smallest bacterium or virus.

all this order from chaos, and now full circle with order creating chaos.

it almost seems unreal sometimes.