so it ends soon, mayhaps it’s time to get a jobbie, i’ve got my fingers crossed…it’s ok, i’ve got a bag, japan 4

it’s been good reflection time though. time to sit back in glorious weather and enjoy everything i worked for most of my life to achieve, the life of blissful laziness. i feel like i can fulfill all those anxities that are purged through work through physical activity. reading is enough to satiate the mental side. all i need is a beach, spending alternating intervals of time lying on the beach warming up in the sun, and sloshing around in the ocean, cooling down. the pool is a pretty good substitue though. i have companionship in my girlfriend, family and friends. i have all of this and my health, so there doesn’t really seem like i need much more in my life. this is as good as it gets, and i’m probably going to have to wait until i’m 60 to enjoy it again with kids on their own, and retirment funds rolling in.

i guess it’s only been a month like this, but i feel more relaxed now than i have in a long time. no more pressure from parents to get out and succeed, because i’ve filled that requirement for them (mostly, it’ll never be enough, but hey, they’re my parents) i feel like i accomplished enough at school to feel like i pushed myself at least once in my life.the world of work is so much different from school, but it’s more subtle than you imagine, when you move from a field academically to a field that is still pretty academic, but more focused on making money.

i interviewed with a company yesterday where i talked to half the people on the staff, which was 3 people. it went really well, but if i get this job, it’ll be a whole different world. it’ll pretty much be like grad school, where everyone has to work, or everyone suffers. but i was barley asked any technical questions. there were a few, since i’ll be running a liquid chromatography machine and i need to at least have an idea of what i’m doing, but it really isn’t that important. by graduating from college, i’ve pretty much proved that i can academically handle things. for the twenty minutes to a half-hour i talked with each of these people, we bull shitted about biking, temp agencies, small and large work places, food, and weather. it’s about getting to know who you are and if you’re going to fit. it seems obvious when you state it, but going through it makes you realize that it doesn’t really matter so much what you know, it’s how you act. every job i’ve worked at has had those couple of people that just don’t fit in, but either they don’t realize they don’t or it’d be too hard to find a job elsewhere, and they stick around, much to the chagrin of everyone there. when you got over a couple dozen people working there the damage can be minimalized, but with a few people, it’s painfully obvious. i’d hate to hire people, it’d be too much of a crapshoot for me.

it’s hard to write these days. i just feel like i don’t have much to say because i’m kinda living in this exsistance mode, where all of my creature comforts are more than satiated, and growing is more passive than it is active. writing stems alot from emotion, and if the only emotion you’re really feeling is relaxed, there’s not enough strife to make for good writing. enough strife to make it worthwhile writing down anyways. these are thoughts mostly for me, somewhat for others, a mix of the two. i think what i really sdhould be writing in here is events but most of them seem so mundane as to not even want to put them down.

but these notes i write are supposed to be reminders of the things that i’ve done. but more and more it’s not events that matter to me, as defining as they may seem at times, but just states of mind. it’s impossible to define my state of mind at this point in time, i have to just write down genereal feelings and events and then string them together later. it doesn’t even create a clear picture, just a muddied feeling that i was different at one time, but not really. it just ends up being different filters i use to project myself to everyone and me. the filters become more lax over time, as coincidentally, things seem to matter less and less. the person that i know i am has come to grips with my current environemt, and has adapted accordingly.

but of course, concessions must (and will) be made.