let’s face it.

this is going to be inconsequential. the things that i write are an expression of the persona that i don’t get to use all the time. so i use this little digital device to throw out something that i have been thinking (or brooding) about and vent a little most of the time. my blog persona is much more fractured than my regular self, at least i’d like to think so. with all the craziness going around, i can’t say i’ve been denied my fair share.

out of all the things that i used to do on my computer, blogging is one of the few that remains. i used to instant message all the time. i used to be semi-social, and i still am, but it’s different now. part of me wants to be the fun guy and the other half wants to be isolated. other people end up influencing me and isolation loses out most of the time. but that’s changing as people become busier with responsiblities and the crap you have to deal with in the modern world, trying to make your way. i don’t get pushed so i don’t push back.

and that’s the way it goes. no big deal, you don’t even notice it happen, you adapt to the lifestyle in the best way you know how and kepp on truckin’.

everyday that passes by is thrown on the pile of me and all those little amounts start adding up, little by little until there’s a freaking huge pile and a person somewhere in the middle of it all. i don’t think my pile is that big right now, but it’s bigger than it was 10 years ago. and then you think of that pile and you wonder what this pile has to show for it. to show that it is here and exsists, that it has value. and it doesn’t really matter, in the end. it has value to you, it was created by you, and it is you. so you reap what you sow, and all that jazz. then where to?

i was thinking of why i don’t question anything anymore, and i think it just boils down to the person i am. given the set of environmental varibles i had, i did the best i could, and i think it turned out pretty well. having very few deficiencies in my life also helped. but it’s just not in my nature to think about things so much. i’d rather be told what to do rather than think it out most of the time. i’d rather read a story than make up my own. i’d probably have been an excellent military man.

thinking is such a luxury to have and i’d like to think that i use it to it’s fullest, but most times, its probably something i’ve handled before or is pretty similar so i just apply what i have learned before, and get by. all i have to do is subsist in this society that humans created, and seeing that i’m white, male, living in america, fairly intelligent, with a middle class family to back me up, it’s not that difficult to stake a claim and subsist. i have goals and will use what fate has given me, but there’s no hurry. life is fairly long and if i achieved everything i ever wanted, i’d just find something else to direct my attention at.

i don’t really question things because everything seems to have its place. even if you can’t understand it, it’s playing a role somehow. everything that happens on a daily basis happens for no reason other than the fact that it can, and i think i came to terms with that. instead of fighting the current to stay put, you just go with it, using what you know to maneuver through the eddies.

and where the current actually leads, i’ll worry about that when i get there.