*sigh*

what a week last week, i’m glad it’s over, well the week anyways, i think it’s repercussions will be felt for awhile. my bike being stolen is pretty much put in perspective by my brothers problems. which i won’t get into, but far supercede my trivialities.

i had hope of maybe getting my bike back, but that was friday night and i think it’s pretty much gone. it’s my fault for leaving it outside my apartment for a couple of hours, which makes it even worse. i don’t think there’s a road bike stealing operation going on around my neighborhood and that’s the part that makes me mad. it was done by some stupid kids that were probably drunk and are going to sell the bike off to an asshat friend for a couple of hundred bucks so they can buy a new fin for their civic.

i’d only had the bike for 3 months but i figure i put at least 50 miles a week onto it, and i’d grown very attatched to it because it was such an experience to ride. plus it was my first real road bike, and it made me appreciate how much i had missed out on by not riding them sooner, and how much more potential i had as a rider because of them. and now it’s probably going to sit in some garage, unused and rusting, when i probably could have ridden that thing for at least another decade. it hurts to think about it.

so now i’ll buy another one and it’ll be fine (even though it is going to be a bit of a scrape to afford another) , and probably better than the one i had, but the emotional toll of actually having my bike stolen right out from underneath me is something that will probably stick with me the rest of my life. i love riding so much and my bikes are special to me, so out of everything that could be stolen from me, this is pretty much the worst (as far as inanimate objects go). it’s infuriating, and it is only an object, but i just feel violated. i also feel like an idiot for forgetting about something so important to me and leaving it unattended.

so i guess there’s always life lessons to learn.

spring is springing again with tempatures consistantly going above 50 degrees and instead of the rain starting and stopping, it’s accented by breaks of sun as well. it’s glorious.

it’s getting busy at work here again so i have some downtime to dink around while waiting for things to finish up. back to staying at work again, but i suppose it was bound to happen. i had a birthday a couple of weeks ago, and now i’m 25. a freakin’ quater century old and it’s kind of wierd. life seems to have hit this experience barrier, where even though i know there are an unlimited amount of things i still need to do or want to do in the span of my life, there’s also all these responsibilities that keep you reigned in. you can get around to doing whatever you want, but i guess you have to prioritize and plan, and my feeble brain has enough trouble prioritizing my daily life let alone planning for the future.

i did look into brewing though and have started a little email correspondance with the people down at davis about their master brewers program, and i should be able to get a kit to finally begin some first hand experience (although it’s a lot like working in a lab). so i have this planning going on. it’s strange because i normally distract myself from doing the things that matter (i.e. my taxes) by putting it off until it has to be done. maybe i am growing in my old age, but just can’t see the forest for the trees. i’ve never been good at that, either.

but i keep hearing from people that i’m still young, that i can pretty much do whatever i want, but here i am at 25 and my parents had me when they were this age. most of my friends my age, their parents had them at an even younger age. so i guess what all these older people are telling me (in code form) is that you can do whatever you want, until you have kids. so i guess by the time i accomplish everything in my life that i want to do, and am willing to dedicate everyscrap of my time to my offspring, i’ll be about 68. which will be young after the nanotechnological revolution, so i figure i’m sitting pretty.

growing used to be such a semi-directed thing though, and now i realize that was a sham. you’re a kid and you think about things in such concrete terms. if you get a bike you’ll be able to hang out with your friends more as they go places. just one more month of school and then i get 3 months off. once i can drive, things will be so much better. and on and on. these things were benchmarks back then, but now there doesn’t seem to be those road signs anymore to guide you. once you realize that everything you aquire or do in life often makes it more complicated, it’s hard not to take a jaded attitude to things that are new. then you just look to distract with the things that are comfortable. and seeing that it’s about all we have to exist on, it seems pretty inane.

i think it’s too easy to be jaded though, and the real challenege is being able to look at all this inanity and see what you can do with it. kind of like a little social experiment you consistantly have going on in your head. it’s not that i’m looking to rock the boat, because it’s not really in my personalitiy, but my intelligenece has to be pushed onto something, or you get stuck with anxiety. and i’m not the biggest fan of anxiety. most of the time it’s all subconcious anyways. there’s no plan no greater purpose, just the idea that life is an exceptionally long time and i might as well be amused, whether it’s at someone else’s expense or my own, they’re both pretty similar. the only baseline for deciding what is inane is based on me, so it’s pretty trivial anyways. life can be cool like that, sometimes.

i really mostly wonder what kind of things can happen in another 25 years to change my opinions currently held or how they’ll evolve after being subject to new information. i like where i am as a person now, but that doesn’t mean i want to be like this forever. i do want to have room to grow and expand for the rest of my life. i think that’s about all i can do to cope with life. allowing that extra bit of wiggle room in your beliefs and convictions allows you to grow and expand. like i have a choice. you’re either willing to grow or not, depending on the strength of the stimulus, and if that’s strong enough, anything’s possible.

captain obvious to the rescue, i suppose.

beautiful, beautiful day. i keep hearing all this talk about rain but each day is more glorious than the last. and taking my bike out is becoming fun again.

all my problems these days are so petty. job problems, self problems, they’re all so superficial. is this what it’s like to have as much success as you want? i make more than enough money to support myself, and have a girlfriend (who helps as well, thank goodness). i have internet which basically fulfills all my media needs and visit to half price books every couple of months to load up on reading material. i am healthy and able to go out on bike rides, runs, swims, climbing, almost anything i want to do, i can swing it. i have friends to interact with, good beer to drink, and a nice place to live. there’s nothing to want for, so problems just have to be created somehow. and having no bearing on problems outside of my bubble just makes it seem even more selfesh.

the problems i create for myself aren’t really problems so much as they are distractions. like we need to renew our lease, but our rent is being pushed up. an extra 50 bucks, which will end up being 25 for me since i split it with heather. 50 bucks that basically goes towards beer, eating out, and video games, all very non-essential. 50 bucks a month versus all the hassle that goes along with moving out.

Pay 50 bucks a month, or find a place, pack it up, clean it up, and unpack somewhere new. what kind of stupid choice is this? either side of the problem stems from my middle class earnings, my middle class expectations, my middle class life. alot of people on earth would kill to have problems like this, and not have to worry so much about eating or getting killed.

i (and most 1st world country residents, i suppose) live in this strange microcosom where everyone plays by the rules, no one gets hurt. this set of rules has been beaten into us so much that shows like seinfeld make too much sense. if there’s no strife in our lives what do we do? we create it through silly social interactions so there’s alot less to lose, but problems to deal with. something to keep you distracted while you deal with being concious for 14-18 hours a day. creating limited order through a socially applicable job, while really just donating (in large quantities) to the chaos like the rest of the universe.

here i sit, infront of a corporatly sponsered laptop in a laboratory where i contribute to this machine of making customized genes. i don’t have much control, but i play a role, and get rewarded for it. so what’s the big deal? as far as i’m concerned, i got it all (except for health benefits) and really everything is good. i just have alot of people to answer to, and it makes for busy days, thank goodness.

but again, so what? i feel i have to keep track of things i want to do with things that are accomodating to everyone else. it’s not that big of a deal because i’m sure that alot of accomodation is coming from the other direction as well. but when did everyone start to feel this need to keep track of everything, all the time? why is it necessary to be able to get ahold of me at anytime, anywhere? i like being able to drop off the radar and just dissapear, it’s part of who i am. but i also like social interaction, and that is a part of who i am. my brother has it down pat, pretty much never answering his phone or being in any predictable place or time. i’m jealous becuase i can’t get away with it. i can’t because i feel bad if i don’t respond to people who reach out to me, or something stupid like that.

i guess i just want my cake, and to eat it as well, and really, i think that’s at the core of alot of problems.