beautiful, beautiful day. i keep hearing all this talk about rain but each day is more glorious than the last. and taking my bike out is becoming fun again.

all my problems these days are so petty. job problems, self problems, they’re all so superficial. is this what it’s like to have as much success as you want? i make more than enough money to support myself, and have a girlfriend (who helps as well, thank goodness). i have internet which basically fulfills all my media needs and visit to half price books every couple of months to load up on reading material. i am healthy and able to go out on bike rides, runs, swims, climbing, almost anything i want to do, i can swing it. i have friends to interact with, good beer to drink, and a nice place to live. there’s nothing to want for, so problems just have to be created somehow. and having no bearing on problems outside of my bubble just makes it seem even more selfesh.

the problems i create for myself aren’t really problems so much as they are distractions. like we need to renew our lease, but our rent is being pushed up. an extra 50 bucks, which will end up being 25 for me since i split it with heather. 50 bucks that basically goes towards beer, eating out, and video games, all very non-essential. 50 bucks a month versus all the hassle that goes along with moving out.

Pay 50 bucks a month, or find a place, pack it up, clean it up, and unpack somewhere new. what kind of stupid choice is this? either side of the problem stems from my middle class earnings, my middle class expectations, my middle class life. alot of people on earth would kill to have problems like this, and not have to worry so much about eating or getting killed.

i (and most 1st world country residents, i suppose) live in this strange microcosom where everyone plays by the rules, no one gets hurt. this set of rules has been beaten into us so much that shows like seinfeld make too much sense. if there’s no strife in our lives what do we do? we create it through silly social interactions so there’s alot less to lose, but problems to deal with. something to keep you distracted while you deal with being concious for 14-18 hours a day. creating limited order through a socially applicable job, while really just donating (in large quantities) to the chaos like the rest of the universe.

here i sit, infront of a corporatly sponsered laptop in a laboratory where i contribute to this machine of making customized genes. i don’t have much control, but i play a role, and get rewarded for it. so what’s the big deal? as far as i’m concerned, i got it all (except for health benefits) and really everything is good. i just have alot of people to answer to, and it makes for busy days, thank goodness.

but again, so what? i feel i have to keep track of things i want to do with things that are accomodating to everyone else. it’s not that big of a deal because i’m sure that alot of accomodation is coming from the other direction as well. but when did everyone start to feel this need to keep track of everything, all the time? why is it necessary to be able to get ahold of me at anytime, anywhere? i like being able to drop off the radar and just dissapear, it’s part of who i am. but i also like social interaction, and that is a part of who i am. my brother has it down pat, pretty much never answering his phone or being in any predictable place or time. i’m jealous becuase i can’t get away with it. i can’t because i feel bad if i don’t respond to people who reach out to me, or something stupid like that.

i guess i just want my cake, and to eat it as well, and really, i think that’s at the core of alot of problems.