“Some things you miss because they’re so tiny you overlook them. But some things you don’t see because they’re so huge.”

I got that quote from Robert Pirsig and that book i just finished, and i turned it over in my head about a million times. it made me think about everything i think about. all the things that i take for granted, all of the things i don’t question, and everything i know.

i thought about it because i read ben’s blog, and that was what popped into my head. he was right in the fact that answers have to be self discovered, and the fact that this quote is so broad as to be almost cliche gives it its meaning.

it popped into my head because i wanted to help advise him, to show him things that i have come to discover, but realized it was pointless. not because ben wouldn’t accept it, but because it would not have the same meaning. with these kind of issues, the search is far more important than the end result and i feel like this quote is the only guideline i ever needed.

most of what i know is imported from books, because i relate better to them. i can expand my ideas through discussion, but more often than not, those are just battles of wits. i steal these ideas and incorporate them into me consciously or subconsciously, and these words of wisdom guide me on my quest.

when you go on this search, you have no idea what is tiny and what is huge. you just know that these details you amass are important in some way, be they small or large. the longer you search, the more pieces you gain and the more perspective you gain. when it comes together, it comes together in the terms you have dictated (whether you like it or not) , and everything fits together much better.

while the quote is fairly important to things i have recently discovered, it was the implications that i wanted to pass it on to someone else. here i am with all my stolen ideas (stolen for my own purposes) trying to pass them on. the parts i think are good without all the filler. those ideas are important to me because i got the whole picture though, and a quote can never contain that much meaning, only a sound bite. which is why the search is so important. this guideline for my search suits me fine, but others, i have no idea.

i realize this now, and there’s nothing i hate more than unsolicited advice. because really, how can you talk about these things, these things that are so deeply personal as to wonder how you could ever relate it to anyone without diluting it? the essence of you as a person, as a soul, to be discussed? how is this possible? these discoveries of yours are for you alone, and no one else. if others want to know what you think, they will ask for it but they will not recieve what it is that you discovered because that discovery is a piece of you, and how you define yourself. it may help them on their search, but not in the same way.

persuaision. i’ve never liked it. and the more i think about it, the more i dislike it. it’s what makes people want to share ideas with you, not as the pure ideas that they are, but the interpretation of them. i’m not even sure you can have a pure idea. a copy of a copy of a copy. but there’s no way to get around this slant, all the information i have absorbed is a copy of a copy of a copy. but i take the ones i like and catalog them because they seem important to me.

and that’s it.

the huge part of the puzzle i was missing was that i figure (for now) that my values define my reality. where those values comes from, that’s another huge piece to find. the search is always on, but i feel heartened. answeres are revealed as i am ready for them and not a moment sooner, and this blog serves me as my memory cannot, organizes my thoughts as my mind struggles, and has been the internal me for years now.

thanks, ben.

sometimes i can’t tell if my brain moves too slow, or if it moves so fast that it plugs itself up with too many things and becomes slow.

i finished Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and it just leaves me with more questions as to how i believe what i do, and why. i know this will be a book to return to, but it needs time to digest.

my brain’s all wrapped up in subjective and objective and how quality births the both of them, and how good can come before truth. things i’ve never really thought about before, and at such a loss to examine properly. i have no philosophical training, and only have logic to guide me.

and my brain is moving too fast for me to properly analyze, as questions become repeats, and answers lead back to the same questions. what am i looking for in these answers, and how am i going to be sure that they are the quality that is necesary?

what’s kinda funny is that i went to my tracker for this site, looked at what people were searching for when they found my site (i find it amusing) and i find someone looking for “sub-ject-ive blogger” and lo and behold, here i was only a year ago looking at the same dealings of subjective and objective and coming up with very little, because i don’t think i had thought enough about subjective and objective things. not that i haven’t much in the past year (although i feel like i constantly evaluate everything) and yet it pops up again when i need it. i was looking for a relationship between the subjective and the objective, where the subjective appears to define the objective, but i now know that isn’t so.

to have the subjective is to be able to identify the objective (from this point on this is talking out of my ass) and the objective in turn solidifies the subjective. i think the relationship goes even deeper than this though since quality is what brings both of them about (which i still don’t totally understand). quality is unmeasureable, and yet we are drawn to it, it’s the bridge that holds the subjective and objective together (and i’m sure there are more than a few others) and it’s RIGHT THERE. staring at me, waiting for me to realize something. but realize what?

the things that i cannot comprhend. is that it? way to general. it’s there…so close. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to put it into words. acceptance. but more understanding is necesary to bring about the acceptance.

the values i hold? ok, maybe. if quality is determined by the values i hold, then that would influence everything. it’s different for everyone, these values, and quality is different for everyone. change begins with yourself, but in the end, only yourself you can change. the values i hold don’t change, i just become more aware of them. the things i find solace in are the in direct connection with that which i value, and my exisitance is defined as such. things i find objectionable also factor in. filters i set up to discern the two apart. my subjective and objective is held in check by that which i can’t even explain, because it is at the core of me as a pattern, and not an object.

i can see why some people say that god is in everyone, because in a bizarre way, they’re right.

something’s been bugging me lately, and i haven’t been able to peg it. it’s not that anything’s wrong, it’s just foundless anxiety that pops up from time to time. i’m always looking ahead to the next moment in my life, and not really appreciating the moment i am in. it’s a hard practice to get out of, but i’ve been working on it.

i wonder if i just find myself misplaced by living in the moment, since it is radically different from my normal thinking (i think, anyways). maybe it’s the fact that i don’t see much difference in my life either way i look at it.

once you come to terms living with who you are, is it supposed to help you make decisions that you find harmonious with your frame of mind? or is it just an excuse to defer yourself away from things you don’t particularity like or agree with? how can you tell the difference?

i wonder if it breaks down to active or passive growth in your life. growth is unstoppable, but how you look at it can differ. but i wonder if that even makes a difference. if you choose to passively grow, aren’t you making the active decision to do so? logic traps everywhere, trying to filter through them is tough. which is why i write them down, because a philosopher, i am not. i often think in circles like this an eventually just have to put it to rest because i can’t focus on it for very long before something else pops up.

i’ve been reading this book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenece and it’s basically a condensed version of an intro to philosophy class. i haven’t finished it, and i don’t think i have absorbed alot of it, but it brought up the interesting point of quality. trying to define it is tough, and the book does that to some degree, but i still feel like most of it goes over my head. it’s in everything you look at. lots of people agree with what high quality products and ideas are. it underlies everything subjective and objective, and the book basically says that quality is a product of subjective meeting with objective. which is all well and good, but smacks of oversimplification to me. i guess i should finish the book, and it might illuminate more for me. i need to think about it more, but i need to write something down now, because it’s alot to absorb.

i feel like my life has always been this slow hurry, where everything i do feels oxymoranic, trying to find the middle ground between too much reason, and too much insanity. i feel like i’m mostly there, but it doesn’t really offer much more than existence. which is what it boils down to, i suppose. the details i have found to distract me do so very well, and i appreciate them immensely. and yet they really just add to my existence, and that’s about it.

i really like what ben’s up to with his trying to remove himself from the world. it’s such a personal journey i could never begin to comprehend, and yet i wonder the same. it really makes no difference if i exist or not (big picture thinking here) and yet i care so deeply as to go on existing. my construct of myself is made to thrive in this particular existence but is that personal choice? i guess i’m surrounded by people doing the same, so there must be something to it.

or not.

throughout most of your day, there is this vein.

the vein of absurdity.

sometimes you are far too distracted to notice it, and things don’t seem as absurd. other times, it gushes out of the vein soaking you so that everything seems to be saturated in it. despite being hosed over and over again though, things still matter. you feel like you have a view into this life, and the deeper the analysis goes, the more questions that pop up, the more absurd everything seems.

but you don’t fully commit to the absurdities that you observe, because that would probably drive you crazy. you know that well is there though, so you peer into it occasionaly because it helps give perspective. that perspective helps to deal with day to day activities because if things weren’t absurd, then they would probably be something else you would be looking to for balance.

there obviously has to be more to this life than what we have created for ourselves. but even the things that we do discover to help adhere our thoughts with our actions makes it better and worse. it’s easier for things to be planned when we have an idea of where we are going, and problems that may arise. but questioning why these things happen to be better leads to this line of questioning that spirals down to logic traps and contradictions that need other questioned answered to function properly.

and the cycle goes on, where all the active thought in the world might or might not bring you the answers you seek depending on how you set the definitions.

2 posts in 1 day OMG!

I walk along the corridor of vehicles from the mailbox to my aparment, noticing how strange it looks. Everyone’s vehicle parked here is their vessel, their means of voyaging through our society. Almost daily, they are used to transport to work, grocery stores, theaters, strip malls, casinos, hospitals, anything our society offers. These vessels are independant of us, yet part of us, allowing for easy transport to afford us all our needs. They come home at night and lay dormant, waiting to be attended to again at their appointed time.

It just felt very organic to me, us imitating nature no matter how unconciously.

there was this moment where i was in bellingham eating breakfast at diamond jim’s and chicago’s “saturday in the park” was played. it was odd. i felt sudden elation and happiness to be able to enjoy all the things that were around me. people that care about me, delicious food, music, warmth, clothes, frame of mind, everything. it was everything. everything around me resonated with being wonderful and it seemed so small to direct my love at only a few things when the multitude of things surrounding me deserve just as much. everything deserves it equally, because everything was reciprocating, at least that’s how it felt.

it was so temporary though, only lasted a few hours, i came back to earth feeling happy still, but without the wonder. it still somewhat resonates though. i look around, experience this life for fleeting seconds at a time, then get back to reality, because it demands my prescense. it demands my time, but i feel like i need to catch up with it.

it needs to slow down.