something’s been bugging me lately, and i haven’t been able to peg it. it’s not that anything’s wrong, it’s just foundless anxiety that pops up from time to time. i’m always looking ahead to the next moment in my life, and not really appreciating the moment i am in. it’s a hard practice to get out of, but i’ve been working on it.

i wonder if i just find myself misplaced by living in the moment, since it is radically different from my normal thinking (i think, anyways). maybe it’s the fact that i don’t see much difference in my life either way i look at it.

once you come to terms living with who you are, is it supposed to help you make decisions that you find harmonious with your frame of mind? or is it just an excuse to defer yourself away from things you don’t particularity like or agree with? how can you tell the difference?

i wonder if it breaks down to active or passive growth in your life. growth is unstoppable, but how you look at it can differ. but i wonder if that even makes a difference. if you choose to passively grow, aren’t you making the active decision to do so? logic traps everywhere, trying to filter through them is tough. which is why i write them down, because a philosopher, i am not. i often think in circles like this an eventually just have to put it to rest because i can’t focus on it for very long before something else pops up.

i’ve been reading this book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenece and it’s basically a condensed version of an intro to philosophy class. i haven’t finished it, and i don’t think i have absorbed alot of it, but it brought up the interesting point of quality. trying to define it is tough, and the book does that to some degree, but i still feel like most of it goes over my head. it’s in everything you look at. lots of people agree with what high quality products and ideas are. it underlies everything subjective and objective, and the book basically says that quality is a product of subjective meeting with objective. which is all well and good, but smacks of oversimplification to me. i guess i should finish the book, and it might illuminate more for me. i need to think about it more, but i need to write something down now, because it’s alot to absorb.

i feel like my life has always been this slow hurry, where everything i do feels oxymoranic, trying to find the middle ground between too much reason, and too much insanity. i feel like i’m mostly there, but it doesn’t really offer much more than existence. which is what it boils down to, i suppose. the details i have found to distract me do so very well, and i appreciate them immensely. and yet they really just add to my existence, and that’s about it.

i really like what ben’s up to with his trying to remove himself from the world. it’s such a personal journey i could never begin to comprehend, and yet i wonder the same. it really makes no difference if i exist or not (big picture thinking here) and yet i care so deeply as to go on existing. my construct of myself is made to thrive in this particular existence but is that personal choice? i guess i’m surrounded by people doing the same, so there must be something to it.

or not.