this is what being privy to the global theater brings you. hate. so much hate. it’s impossible to take sides.

no one to blame, but plenty of atrocity.

another STP come and gone, but this year was pretty cool, seeing as i had a road bike and all this year. 122 miles in 8 hours was pretty impressive for me. i’m thinking larger though, gotta get up to be able to ride it in a day. there’s a ride around puget sound at the end of august, 167 miles. i bet i can do it, if i keep the training up.

three days away from leaving for NJ for a week and a half though, and that’s going to be awesome. soveryawesome.

i wonder what made me feel i could get away with all this writing in second person.

talking to the inner me?

ground control, this is raving idiot, copy?

ground control present, how can we help you, raving idiot?

you can listen to me rave about the greatest thing ever.

ground control is intrigued.

ground control is stupid.

we know.

well then, consider this a stupid transmission, an affirmation of idiocy.

roger, over and out.

is anyone else offended that i am freely allowed to declare myself stupid, or anything for that matter? anyone? hello?

sometimes the idea of human interaction makes me mad. reading random myspace pages just makes it worse. you know, friends of friends of friends of friends, until you finally hit that threshold of the six degrees of separation, and you have no idea why it matters anyways, or what you’re looking for. i’m indisposed towards myself all the time. writing this makes me angry. i’m just one of the idiots, and it’s fitting. crying, pleading, begging for attention, screaming for acceptance while preaching the opposite.

i think i’m bitter because it takes so much damn work just to be myself, which really should be the base of everything else. or maybe the fact that there’s no escape. no escape i find acceptable, anyways. that’s the riddle to solve, but it probably involves transcending space and time. i’m probably just not looking hard enough. but screaming into the abyss doesn’t make it any smaller.

holy shit, momentum.

there’s a thought provoker.

as i was leaving heather’s parents house after an eating marathon, something stuck with me. TV is a major prescence there, and i end up getting my fill of food and TV time while i’m there. MTV happened to be on and it was some show about being rich, or something like that.

anywyas, this girl said “every girl’s dream is to be able to have whatever she wants.” ignoring all the obvious crtiques of the comment like, “just girls?” or “every girl?” there’s something deep here.

imagine you could have anything you wanted. what would you want? isn’t most of the wants you can fathom very limited? suppose there was world peace, every leader in the world was benevolent and kind, race and class abolished. then what? suppose you could have inner peace, just like that. then what? any wish you have, granted. then what?

these goals we set for ourself, these wants we desire to have fulfilled, once they are fulfilled, what do we do? we look for the next goal to conquer. it seems shallow, but it certainly is a valid way to exsist. i know i fill the time with it. and i don’t feel like i’m robbing myself of anything, but at the same time, it’s not something to base your life around.

i’m not really sure what i think of goals yet, but i know the way you go about achieving them is important. that’s where the real learning comes in. the choices you make to achieve what you want are dictated by your values, and those are what you have to reflect on. the reason that you make choices. these choices often lead where you want them to, and other times, someplace completley new. but that’s not terribly important unless you place the emphasis on the goal, the ends.

i live in a society dictated by these ends, where reaching a goal is sublime, and the only thing to focus on. i guess i should say the easy thing to focus on. progression through everyday life is tough, and appreciating the means is sometimes tough. i feel like everything is around me to test those values, give me choices in my means, to achieve an end. those choices are what makes up me (externally), but those choices reflect on the judgement of myself (internally). everything around me may not make immediate sense to me (or ever) but they act like benchmarks for what i do, or want to believe.

establishing that frame of reference is the tough part though. it’s hard to take it all in.

this DJ be Warren G….

on another beautiful summer day in the beautiful northwest, i can’t help but think of the environment i live in. i had a conversation with adam where we basically came to the conclusion that one of the huge parts of the human condition is the ability to create our own environment. to be more precise, the choice made to live in harmony with the environment as it is, or wanting to create the perfect one.

this statement has broader implications than just where we live though, i think. the choice to live in harmony with circumstances, or the quest to create better ones. most growth stems from trying to create that perfect environment, but more happiness seems to stem from finding that harmony. if you find harmony though, does that automatically mean you stop growing? it feels like to live in harmony with your environment, you have to have enough information to accept it, but you don’t have to know everything. if you go out and actively try and create your ideal environment, you also have to have enough information to want to change it, and also to know what you want to change it into.

maybe that’s why alot more people are feeling isolated and unhappy, because we don’t know what’s best for us, even though we think we do. but that’s kinda a stupid statement because “best” is just a hollow word. creation of an ideal environment is such a daunting task though, when so much understanding is needed to create it. so much has been established by generations before us, and we all go along with it. there’s not really much other choice, either accept or reject what came before then act accordingly.

can you do both? inquring about one’s environment allows for greater understanding, and then perhaps you can greater harmonize with it. too much understanding might ruin the harmony though, or actually, just create different ones. maybe that’s it. just trying to live harmoniously with so many different tones creates dissonance, and intereference of one with the others. picking one is tough when there are so many options though, and so many oppertunities for a better life. not all frequecncies are dissonant though, some are quite compatible, strengthening that harmony. it seems really subjective as to which ones are truly harmonious, and that which we force to be. some ideas fit together, and others may be forced.

environments are constantly changing though, and there’s always room for change. i can tell this is a smaller piece to a huge idea, but i think i need more pieces to work with.

so i won’t force it.