i have to force my self to write here. i haven’t really gotten any headway on my book going and i don’t feel like writing. there is this silent protest against literature going on with me, and it’s not like it’s on purpose. i just look at reading stuff and don’t want to do it. i think about writing a blog and realize i have absolutley nothing to say about anything. there’s just a lack of enthusiasim right now that’s has infused my person, and i’m waiting for something to happen and i have no idea what it is. something needs to happen, then things can go back to normal. as normal as i think it is anyways. i have no expectations, yet i feel like something passive needs to happen, and it feels like it should be out of my control. at least pasive enough to not even notice it’s in my control.

there are these moments where life slaps me in the face with how rediculous it is. deep down, i know it always is, but sometimes it just pops in to remind me. not even anything special most of the time. the mundane is where i notice it most.

i ride by this pond on the way to work everyday, and it’s always been crowded with the same flock of ducks. how can i tell it’s the same? i guess i can’t really, but there’s always this albino duck there. last season, it was only partially albino, and it had some brown markings that marked it as a female, but it was still mostly white. now one reproductive season later, there is a full on snow white duck that chills with the rest of them. in this gene pool, the albino was somehow found as a suitable mate for some other duck and the genes were passed on. not only were they passed on, but they were expressed. clearly there are few predators in the area because that snow white duck wouldn’t survive any other way, it sticks out against foliage like a drop of marshmallow fluff in the middle of a mud pit. he exsists in this society of ducks that knows he/she (i can’t tell since the duck is completley white with no other markings) is probably an outsider but someday that albino expression may very well save their race when the snows of global warming sweep the northwest and due to too much CO2, we create a winter wonderland where for 10 months out of the year, we have at least a couple of feet of snow on the ground. hoo boy, would that white duck be in high demand then. he/she’d be blending in with the surroundings while all the other ducks would be super contrasting with their surroundings. then the lone albino duck, the savior of his species would be fornicating copuiously and creating an army of white ducks that are better adapted to their surroundings, and natural selection wins again, in a stunning victory.

i can see all this, and that duck just wonders how it’s going to eat, and how to deal with other members of the flock. he eats thrown bread crumbs as much has any other red-blooded-american duck. he’s just bright white. and here i am, breaking down his world, putting it into psuedo-scientific terms of my design, all in an effort to catagorize and classify to make sense of everything around me, as if it makes it all better. yeah, you can totally look at a system and break it down, totally awesome for you. strip it down to it’s working parts and see how they mesh together. you’re on to something there.

i see all this in the world around me and it is glorious, and it goes from the complex societies of microbes to the complex inter-relations among humans, to the relationship between the ocean and plate tectonics. it all has this feeling of familiarity that i may have conjured out of nothing. i’d like for it to be more familiar, becuase it’s easier that way, and i’ve been overexposed. you can only do so much sitting around and being amazed though, you’re gonna get numb. get numb and squander some potential.

what potential is there to squander? potentially, anything is possible, and potentially, nothing is possible. it can swing either way depending on how you look at it. i could say i’m squandering what i have, but anyone could look at me and judge. i like to judge myself, it’s almost redundant. but what is there to squander? who says that i am? if i’m alive, how can anything be squandered? if the only standards to live up to are my own, then what in the hell am i doing? more unanswerable questions than answers. it’s pure stupidity either way.

i should probably floss more often.

so unmotivated, how did i end up here? time to kill, or at least something to do while i listen to some music. i’m really digging pandora.com, it’s already exposed me to a bunch of music it probably would have taken months for me to find on my own. i highly recommend it, whatever music you like. it’ll help you on your journey.

it’s funny because i’m somewhat excited about this so it makes it easy to write. i don’t really get excited about anything anymore. nothing cool anyways. it’s always exciting to get off of work or go to a mariners game or whatever. but to get so excited about something that you want everyone to know about i, that’s been awhile.

huh. when i think about it, i gave up on that practice awhile ago, kind of. i get excited about something to almost always find that no one else really cares. not that i’m expecting everyone to have a religious experience to things i may expose them to, but it was mostly indifference. people are busy, i understand that. it takes time to look at all of this stuff. and truthfully, i’m the same way. it’s the way it is.

i need to think about this some more and filter through my filters to see what is really coming through. i think there’s something deeper here.

this is stupid. i’m not even sure what it is, but i got a feelin’. my brain feels like it is needing to go somewhere but it has no directions to follow. it feels like it needs a refill of cream filling, because it just dried out and needs to be replenished.

i guess at least i got hired at this place i’m working. it’s a very nice job with very nice people and i’m lucky to be involved. and have benefits to boot.

i was so happy and live this morning, and then i worked and noticed that my brain had gone AWOL. it happened right now as i sat down to write a little bloggie. this is my moment to say something of stupendous importance to be immortalized as long as blogger’s servers don’t crash. and it is frittered away, lost, to be told at a later date. fatigue gets layered on my brain as the weekends become more work than the work week. i think it will always be like that though, since i probably prefer it that way. why else would i do it, right?

i don’t even think these sentances are really coming together at all, so it’s probably best to stop. but i don’t, hoping to find the loose thread that is going to unravel this whole snippet. there’s nothing to grasp though. nothing to pull, no force to be exchanged.

and so nothing happens.

guess i better bang this out while i can. got time, maybe enough for two blogs today. it’s been slow here in the real world but my brain feels like it’s detatched for some reason. angry at itself, anxious with itself. something that’s making my outlook a little off-kilter. i mean look at those last two posts i did. i read back over that shit and wonder if i even think before i crank it out. not that i think it’s a waste of time or a bad thing, but my personality shifts gears like that so suddenly that i don’t even notice it, and i’m inconsolable. i ride it out, again and again. and i get a full blast of how rediculous everything is and it comes as a torrential downpour as opposed to the drizzles with partial sunbreaks. nothing has changed in the world i interact with, but my frame of mind does so it almost feels like a parallel universe where anything can and will happen.

but this is just one more thing to live with, one more jenga block to pull out of the stack in my mind, without trying to topple the mofo. then it does and the game starts over. maybe i just need to look at it differently, maybe i need to build a dollhouse out of those jenga blocks and change the perspective totally. sounds dangerous though. risky too.

this is also just one more thing to bitch about. something at the core of me that i don’t understand fully, and maybe never will. so i just end up pointing at it and belittling it because it doesn’t really make a difference one way or the other, embrace or reject, because without the understanding, the end result is the same. nothing gained, nothing lost, only some time exchanged for maybe a small bit of perspective if i’m lucky.

what i guess would be worse though is not even being able to identify anything to belittle, anything to criticize. then i’d be perfect, like Jesus. or i could shift the blame from inward to outward. then i’d really be getting some stuff done. boy howdy, that sounds a whole lot easier than this inward stuff i’ve been doing for so long.

and then life could really begin, right?

if you’re stupid and you know it, clap your hands

*clap, clap*

if you’re stupid and you know it, clap your hands!

*clap, clap*

if you’re stupid and you know it and you really want to show it, if you’re stupid and you know it, clap your hands!

*clap, clap*

i caress this thing, this plastic abomination of polycarbon chains that has a very exact method of production, and it gets used for this kind of shit. and it’s a privilage, not a right. so why not abuse it? timestamp today and showed that it actually happened. this is as good a record as any.

where to go, what to do. hope to the left, doom to the right. or is it the other way around? i get so easily confused, but that in part may be willful. it’s funny that i could decide to understand something, and it would be so. it would be so. so…

air pushed from a fan gently rolls off my body. a motorcycles revs and squeals out in the parking lot. the pressure underneath my feet as they help distribute my weight on the chair i sit on. the rush of the air as it rolls over my skin and flows up into my nose, chilling it slightly for a second while making my body resperate.

it feels so comfortable.

*clap, clap*

hey! hey! over here! i’m waving my arms around trying to get your attention.

thanks for coming over, i really needed some attention over here. things may seem like they are out of control, but trust me, they’re not. yup, everything is under control. just gotta make a few more adjustments…there. perfect everything fell into place to create a scene of maddening beauty . full of hope, prosperity, and a willingness to supress the ego.

damn you ego, always coming aorund here and messing things up. if id didn’t keep things primative and the super ego keep things normal, you’d be out of a job. keep on truckin’, ego.

clarity. feel it. supress it. feed it. bring it to the surface and drag it around with a motorboat. it does pretty well on water skis. it’s even hip enough to wakeboard. and really if it weren’t hip it wouldn’t be worth noticing. only those that are truly hip know what i mean. yeah, dig it baby.

if you feel out of place, and are wondering why, then look no further. you’re in the present, and you got that going for you. everything is possible in the present. those other tenses can go to hell. they can only express what might have been or could be or has been or could be. but not in the swingin’ present. look at it, if you stand on your head while looking at it, then it appears upside down. or are you right side up and it’s upside down? so deep. so very, very deep. it’s a wonder that i could get any deeper than that. feel it!

if you wander around in this present long enough, things tend to go slow or fast, depending. on what you may ask? good question, i wonder if it just depends on everything. you know, if your dog felt like rubbing it’s butt on the carpet, or if the sun hit a plant leaf with enough enrgy to create some sugar, or even if i ate my wheaties. can’t get enough of those wonderful wheaties. slooooooooooooooow. FAST. sloooooooooow. Fast. cycle. feel it! feel the cycle of the present, revel in it, love it, look everywhere and experience it however you see fit.

conundrums abound. too much in the air. too much of this crap to even wonder what it means. crapity crap crap. filling the air with crap, it’s everywhere. ubiquitous even. take a sample, put it in a jar and save it for later. because you never know when you’ll need it. is it really that unbearable, over here, without you favorite? clear a channel please, this is important. it needs importance, craves it and desires it. brings it to the surface again only to be pushed back under. pushed as deep as it goes so that it can be thought of as art. as a cry for anything, just to be noticed, to be understood, to be accepted. oh sweet acceptance, validate my life. bring me close to your bosom so that i may suckle at your teat lovingly.

if only…huh?