guess i better bang this out while i can. got time, maybe enough for two blogs today. it’s been slow here in the real world but my brain feels like it’s detatched for some reason. angry at itself, anxious with itself. something that’s making my outlook a little off-kilter. i mean look at those last two posts i did. i read back over that shit and wonder if i even think before i crank it out. not that i think it’s a waste of time or a bad thing, but my personality shifts gears like that so suddenly that i don’t even notice it, and i’m inconsolable. i ride it out, again and again. and i get a full blast of how rediculous everything is and it comes as a torrential downpour as opposed to the drizzles with partial sunbreaks. nothing has changed in the world i interact with, but my frame of mind does so it almost feels like a parallel universe where anything can and will happen.

but this is just one more thing to live with, one more jenga block to pull out of the stack in my mind, without trying to topple the mofo. then it does and the game starts over. maybe i just need to look at it differently, maybe i need to build a dollhouse out of those jenga blocks and change the perspective totally. sounds dangerous though. risky too.

this is also just one more thing to bitch about. something at the core of me that i don’t understand fully, and maybe never will. so i just end up pointing at it and belittling it because it doesn’t really make a difference one way or the other, embrace or reject, because without the understanding, the end result is the same. nothing gained, nothing lost, only some time exchanged for maybe a small bit of perspective if i’m lucky.

what i guess would be worse though is not even being able to identify anything to belittle, anything to criticize. then i’d be perfect, like Jesus. or i could shift the blame from inward to outward. then i’d really be getting some stuff done. boy howdy, that sounds a whole lot easier than this inward stuff i’ve been doing for so long.

and then life could really begin, right?