I’ve had it up to here.

i think and think and think and what comes from it, except a strange regisnation to my fate? what happened to the breakthroughs? what happened to the hope? my brain was so happy to finally reach a state of complacent acceptance and now that it has it, it starts getting all anxious. wtf? damn greener grass…

there’s been something that been bugging me, and that’s my beliefs. what the hell are they? where do they want to take me? how do they relate to how i’m living my life now, and how is it being influenced?

this is something i should seriously think about before i write. and i feel like the time to think has come to an end. my mind thinks but forgets and unless all that information is put in the right order, it doesn’t matter. this isn’t the best forum for this, and yet it is. i know it is. becuase i could write this in a journal. i could write it in a word document. but there’s this publishing finality that comes with this medium. this thought happened at this moment and was thought this way. the things that happen with this information becomes so much more infinite once i push the publish button, yet they are still mine. sure, there aren’t a whole lot of people who read this, but there are some. i can change what i want but i don’t think i’ve ever edited anything really besides some drunk stuff that was incomprehensible.

i want this out there, unedited, so that i have something to look back on, something to show the path i follow, from one day to the next. because i can’t keep track of every thought on everyday, because it has too much to do at any given moment, something to distract it. maybe distraction is a part of it.

i want to do some serious, deep, philosophical soul-searching here. i’m past due, and it is time. so much has happened in my life where i throw it in the to do box and let it sit there, most times without realizing it. it’s quite a pile now i’m guessing. i can’t really tell until i sort through it. i have all this perspective from my 25 years and it’s about time to benchmark what i think and believe now, embarrassing, time capsule style.

1 week, one entry per day, no other stipulations. as little or as much as i write is going to show me something. i’m sick of seeing and learning things and feeling like i’m constantly having beliefs reconfirmed, without being able to state what the damn things are. there’s some idea at the bottom of that heap, waiting to be pieced together. i know it’s there. i can be a better person. i can do all i’ve ever wanted. i just need my perspective back, to realize what it is. being able to take an idea and translate it into words is an amazing feat, and sometimes i think i do it justice. sometimes it makes me want to scream.

waiting to be discovered. waiting to be realized. i need to force this because i know it needs to be that way.

1 week.