Day 5

truth. do i seek it? can i know it? if there is no truth in my life, then things can shift whenever they feel like. but just because i have these truths in my life does not make them concrete, they are only that way to me. if i accept it as truth, doesn’t that make it so? if it has that kind of arbitrary nature, which is how i classify it, then why should i find it? won’t it find me?

there are so many facets to truth it feels overwhelming at times. some things are true given a certain environment, but are false in others. it depends on so many variables, so much speculation. but the speculation can’t be removed, it’s one of the foundations behind the truth. finding what is real in this oasis of reality. if i gather more truth, then will i find things better? if i am certain more often, will it make me better? gather. maybe i’m not an optimizer, maybe i’m a gatherer. i gather everything in my life, including physical representations of what i would like my reality to be, and cram it all in a closet. everything i gather has a meaning to me. if i look at it, feel it, smell it, hear it, i can evoke a memory, an emotion. you don’t realize it when it’s happening, but when you look back you can re-evaluate it.

how many times can you re-evaluate before it becomes meaningless? off to infinity. become that asymptote. approach infinity, but don’t touch it. not because you want to, but because you can’t. oh you can get close, so close as to actually feel like you are in full control, holding it. but you can only fool yourself, you can’t fool infinity. it knows it is untouchable.

i gather these untouchables in my head and keep their idea there by revisiting from time to time. but it cares not for me, i only care for it. because it gives me what i need in this life, something tangible. something i can wrap my brain around and fully realize as something that is a part of me, a projection, what i want it to be. i project what i want to. don’t i? sometimes i don’t, but in any given moment, that projection can be easily altered with any justification. so in that given moment, yes, i project what i want, but can look back and realize i didn’t want to. hindsight is so clear, given that you have all the variables to work with. no need to solve for x when you have it in your hand.

i gather, i optimize, i project, i react, i live. all this swirls into me and shoots right back out, to the rest of this reality. i am not the only one here. it is occupied by others. they do as they please when they can, as i do. other times both do what they can. i can’t live the debt free life i want, because i am a part of this construct, i choose to be inside. for that choice i forfeit everything and nothing. i give those debts meaning, and they are a part of me. despite all these musings, i still exist. am aware. do stuff.

i am a special snowflake. i form in the sky from water, in a pattern dictated by a million forces to create something unique. i then float down to the ground, where i melt and return to where i came. i spend this flight with billions like me, that all end up the same way. unique in one moment, common in the next.

am i a part of something larger? does it matter if i know? would knowing make my day to day grind any better? i have a feeling that it wouldn’t. but i have no idea what knowing of that level entails. but i feel my indifference will allow me to accept it if it comes along. is it indifference? how can you be open to everything without developing indifference? you get hurt, you experience joy. you get used to the idea that any idea is probably important in some way, but it’s meaning isn’t clear yet. and you can only wait, with patience. or without it. i’m going to wait anyways, i guess it’s in my nature to be patient about it. if i wasn’t then maybe i’d be that go-getter that changes the world. but i cannot force what i want into what i am too quickly, that will just ruin the whole batch of cookies.

i wonder if when you meet your maker, it turns out to be an idealized you. like looking in a mirror, but it’s the person who has the qualities you think of at times as the person you want to be. and you get to have a direct conversation. would i like that person? or would i think they were an ass? or would it just be the me i have always been, when i look in a mirror? not because i am that idealized person, but because i am who i am, and there is no ideal?

it makes sense, ideal candidates only fit best in their ideal environment.

i am my ideal environment.