Day 7

I wasn’t sure if this was going to work, but it did. i can’t believe how just forcing myself to type everyday was also forcing me to think. i was thinking i was going to have to have a day 8 for this kind of reflection, but something happened last night and it came out. all that thought compressed into something tangible, and now i can look back and see how my mind can take a week, with little imput but the musing from the day before, and follow the path to another stop-gap.

i live in an environment of my choosing, of what i aspire for in my life. i want to achieve something in my life not to please others, not to justify my life to myself or anyone else, but to have that experience. to set out on a huge goal, achieve it, and see where it takes my life from there. i am capable of changing my environment, even swinging it to new extremes. i could move to europe in a heartbeat. it would be a lot of work to uproot myself from here and re-establish somewhere else, but it could be done, if i felt it was necesary. i have the privilage to have that kind of control, so maybe that’s why i hate complaining so much. complaints lie right at that point where you’re not happy with your surroundings, but you are somehow left with insufficient drive to try and change it. because as much as your job may suck, the prospect of finding a new job is a whole lot more work, and when you think about it, could end up being worse.

choice is power, such unimaginiable power. but this is why people seek truth, look for it, try to unearth it and apply it. i gather truth that fits me so that when i encounter a situation that is similar, but different, or completley different, i have an answer key of sorts. if you make random choices in every situation, you are going to be left flailing. but if you catalog and review past descisions, they can be applied and judgements can be made from that. the happiness recieved from these results is the direct consequence.

the more stock you put in some truths over others will show a trend, and choices will be made depending on that particular view. and it is so you. it is you in the basest of senses. judging people for their actions, their choices. trying to understand the situation that drove them to choose as they did. to have that kind of empathy, along with an ability to understand it, is what makes this crazy society, and such hugely abstract concepts like “dad” or “friend”.

i am not resigned to my fate, i am only waiting. waiting for the next change in my environment, the next change for me. because these things take time. it’s easy to let myself be mentally lazy, and sometimes it is needed and well deserved, but active thinking is needed just as much, just like going jogging a couple times a week, or rock climbing. i know this change will come about when i am most ready, because my choices will help push the idea along, until it comes to fruition.

i am on a long term track, but i am open enough to roll with the punches. because everything can change in the blink of an eye, and if choices cannot be made in response to it, i am lost. but i believe in the choices i have made, the person i have become and am content with it. i believe this is one of many ideal environments for me, because there is way more good than bad. it may be arbitrary, but that also makes it a representation of myself. but i know that this environment will not be the same forever, it will change, i will change, and my biggest hope is that i can move forward with this change, and make myself better. the irony is in how subjective that is, but i appreciate that. irony has always been one of my favorite sources of humor.

so here it is, all out there, in one week, i accomplished this. it feels like alot, and it kinda is, but at the same time it is only scratching the surface. i love this medium, but you can’t just go throwing out anything. just the idea that someone besides yourself is reading this allows for that type of voice to shine through, where you force yourself to think in a way to express your ideas to other people, and in turn find yourself that much richer for taking the time to think of how it could ever possibly be expressed. it gives that cement to the ideas, to formulate how they come, and what you can do with them.

i am a destroyer, because it is impossible to be a creator without the same capacity. sometimes, destroying barriers is way more difficult than creating new ones. my life is a direct result between this dichotomy in everything i have ever come to know, and i should never be afraid of something that is a part of me, because as misguided as it may be sometimes, there are also important life lessons to be learned because of them, choices to be made.

it seems strange to me that this work. i remember thinking “i have no idea where this is going, and i’m on day 4”. i knew at the time i thought it that the process was more important than the end product. i could think that to myself, but still couldn’t see it because i wasn’t at the end yet, had that uncertainty, that capacity for speculation. at some point the truth of the matter settles in, clicks and becomes much clearer, since it has come to be a part of everything else you think is established, with major ideas being reiterated over and over, with different situations to show why and how.

i did this and it worked, but i couldn’t keep it up for a month. i couldn’t do it a month from now, not at any set time period. it just feels right when you think of an idea and know you need to follow through with it. becuase that uncertainty allows for the ability to grow, even if it’s in directions that were completley unpredictable.

that unpredictablility is the good stuff. it really is.