words have this slippery feel to them, with little to no meaning. they come from here, but they also don’t. they fly in through means unknown, means that might be able to be understood, but wouldn’t give them any more meaning. that is left to be inferred, and i have no control over it. if i did, i would stick velcro to the outside of these words and throw them at a large bulls eye on the wall and their accuracy in hitting the bulls-eye would in turn define what was meant. extra points for getting it to walk down the intended target.

my words want to fly in this poetic sense, poetry without form, the inknown, but i tie it down, i ground it for my own safety. my life makes little sense, but it is there. how to read, where to put inflection, place the meaning. it can be done at will. the link becomes uncoupled and gets left behind, abandoned.

not on purpose, but still abandoned

haha, i must thank ben for his gracious offer to carry around a tv for me. i can see that there might be a need to take guitar hero to the streets someday. i bet it could bring about a huge amount of social change. pandora for president!

i have been feeling this incessant need to be productive the past couple of days, as i guess i feel i have been slipping into a lazy funk lately. it’s most of the reason why i am here right now, so i feel like i’m doing something productive, because when i have an opportunity to write, i should do so.

but beyond feeling like i need to be productive, i just feel happy and content today, hence there isn’t much to write about, or at least not much of a drive to do so, which is they key. so i think i might go and clean my bike instead.

gotta stay productive!

i would like to take this oppertunity to declare that i did it. yes, i spent enough time to beat all of guitar hero 2 on expert. i am that cool, feel it. free bird took a couple of days, but i star powered my way through it. ladies, please create a single file line.

i still want to play more though, this game ranks right up there with katamari as one of the coolest games made, becaues you can always pick it up and try and play better. burn some time, turn off your brain, and focus on something that is really pretty worthless yet highly enjoyable.

not much else really to say. i was thinking about how time travel must still not exist yet because i haven’t seen any time cops running around with futuristic weapons, chasing time fugitives. i think that just what i expect though, i would imagine if people had time travel they could also exist between dimensions, so we wouldn’t really be able to see or directly interact with them anyways.

they’re there though, sitting between their dimensions, looking out onto our dimension the way people view a train wreck. unable to watch, unable to turn away as they watch us make our own mistakes. i wonder if i’m the star of one particular internet forum type group that has an irrational love for me and my antics. they all get together and watch my highlights for a particular day then discuss them while drinking the elixir and ambrosia that they enjoy, chatting up about all those people who watch the celebrities all the time are really missing out.

if only i could see it, be able to tear through that fabric. tear a nice sized hole that i could wedge open with a toilet paper tube and peer through to see how things are in between dimensions. although, when i think about it, it’d probably be fairly boring. but at least it would be a change of scenery.

man these weeks go by so fast. time is moving that fast, and i’m barely noticing. my memory is so short sometimes, and yet so long at others. it’s something i have no control over. why should some memories be more vivid than others? why should some of my memories be pushed way back to the archives where i never see them again unless someone mentions something that that puts me on a mental track to find it?

i find it odd that this person i am, this person i have become can’t remember what happened last month. if i get put on the spot and asked what happened at some juncture in time, i will draw a blank. if someone asks me why i said what i did, i draw a blank. i go through so much assuming that others will understand, or at least let it slide.

and yet here i am, a consortium of feelings and impulses supposedly learning from past mistakes but with a short memory for a supplement. how the hell does this work? i heard in biology at some point that it’s a sort of defense mechanism, which makes some sense, because if i had perfect recall, i’d probably be hating life as well. imagine being able to relive it all with a simple thought. every agony, every euphoria, everything. right now, bad memories stick out more than good ones, i can only imagine what that would be like with perfect recall.

when i think about it more, i like being scatterbrained. most tasks would be a lot easier if i remembered everything. but making mistakes is what keeps things interesting. there’s so many social boundaries to push that i am for some reason, unwilling to do. but my short memory aids me in that as well. i realized a couple of nights ago while running that letting my mind wander is like letting it go jogging, as i don’t really remember it distinctly, but there must have been some benefits.

i feel like my mind is humoring me most of the time. he has this voice deep inside that chastizes, praises, and pokes fun at the external me. i can be whoever i want on the outside, but my brain knows better. it humors me and allows me to live my ridiculous life, but i always answer to him in the end. i guess i humor him and allow him to express himself from time to time as well. we both do what we want, or don’t. i know the moments of genius come when we work together and don’t even realize it. needless to say, that only happens sporadically.

i think my life only happens sporadically.

i gotta write now, lots of work to do, buti have to get this down now. this will start like this:

I was a young grower, and very successful. i lived somewhere in the carribean and lived in a village that didn’t really approve of my crops because it made me rich while making all the other men lazy. One day, we were raided by pirates who did their pirate things and looted, pillaged, and raped my village. i was spared when i offered the captain a peace pipe, and all the pirates who wanted came with the captain into one of the huts not yet on fire and we sat around a dead fire pit and passed the peace pipe around until we could barley see each other. i can’t really remember the topics of discussion, since i couldn’t understand their language, but there was lots of raucous laughter. i distinctly remember the captain coming up to me and saying

“Arrgh, you be all right thar, matey.”

i remember that because i could understand it for some reason, and before i knew it i was joining their crew, and they were building a structure to allow me to grow my crops on the deck of their ship. And so i journeyed the high seas with a crew that loved me and i found my new home, going from distant land to distant land, living a pirates life. then i woke up.

i really couldn’t do that dream justice. i don’t know where it came from, but it was vivid. i was a goddamn pirate, and it was awesome. last week i had a lucid dream where i was flying around what looked like the cascades. i think my brain is so elated to be done with the end of last year that now that my physical body is done doing all this celebrating, my mental side gets to have some fun.

happy new year, indeed. i feel so much better after getting in some exercise and eating less regularly again. i think my mind is thanking me for not making it work in overtime, and can get back to a schedule. which includes working, and i must get back to it.