wander…

minds do it, i do it. i feel like it right now. just start walking and go someplace new, someplace i’ve been before, anywhere, just to include motion.

motion…

the ability to keep moving, with the potential to be kinetic. free or in a system. direct or scenic route. either can be bliss.

bliss…

minds get tired, but only lapsing for the moment. the activity of daily rituals drains minds of anything tangible. and i stare into space, thankful to just be sitting for a moment, unreflective. and yet here comes the reflection. but what noun do i choose?

stand on top of a ladder, look out to sea, if you happen to be on a coastline. take in the sights and the sounds as the area around you assaults what you may perceive. the crash of the surf, the glitter of the sea with the sun upon it’s semi-permeable surface. feel the squeak of sand as you sprint towards the ocean at frightening speeds. as the seagull calls, stop. glancing up, notice the sky, and how the ocean looked infinite.

words try to form but get caught by cubes and pyramids, thing slightly more tangible. not the words, the feeling. the noise, the environment. lackadasical at best. something bad at worst. concieve that which you can hold your head in place and follow through. always with the follow through. keep the shoulders steady, the arms at ready, the hands in a claw, ready to grasp. in that moment , you are ready. in others, no. ready for what? anything. ready? no. ready? not yet. ready? almost. ready? stop pestering me already i’ll get to it when i can. ready? …am i?

no. i mean yes. i mean i don’t know. willpower shaken, questions ripping rifts open to see what lay beyond, some questions rip a little, some a lot and with how much force.

force…

make it happen, despite being ready or not. last person to find the can of sardines has to be the next.an echo chamber, a cacophony, a distraction. where the knapsack can be dropped for a spell, and a nap under an oak tree. real or imagined? doesn’t matter, really. step. step. step. one foot in front of the other. one idea after the next. and progress. make it a daily habit, and you’ll soon see the results you crave. and deserve. keep it in the mix.

tired…

i have been keenly observant of nothing this week. my mind will wander from time to time and my inner monologue will start going off on its own, seemingly almost unsupervised. i say i have been keenly observant of nothing because i look at things, notice a million things i may not have noticed before, then just as quickly dismiss it as the focus of attention is drawn elsewhere.

i notice a ridge in a piece of plastic attached to my computer and am instantly thinking what it would be like if i was a millionth of my size and had to traverse these ridges. what if i took 20 of them or so and made a rough surface of them to sand the rust off my car. what if i strung them onto a piece of thread wrapped onto a frame made of pvc piping to be used as some sort of shoe to walk across water. maybe if i ate it and focused hard enough on my digestion, i could derive nutritional value from it.

random ideas, gone as soon as they are thought of. like my thought process was slown down just enough for each moment to register, before being flitted away. it strikes me as ridiculous, these ideas, and they’re mostly benign, so it’s no big deal. but why does it feel like something is changing, some point of view that i’ve always had is trying to foment itself out of my subconscious and claim its right to the throne as the dominant point of view. not even so much vying for dominance in as much as just being recognized.

no, screw that. i feel that parts of my point of view can be segregated from each other, with partitioning to protect one from the other, but they’re more of a blend. if you watch the ocean, you can see waves coming in cycles dictated by the tides. sometimes they cumulate to make a large wave and get a little more force to erode the earth, and at other times the waves are canceling each other out. cycles dictating how i view the world at a particular time because i allow myself to succumb. succumb for no other reason than it feels right to do so. trying to understand for understanding’s sake.

more understanding that will beget less. poke more holes in the boat while furiously bailing it out to stay afloat. the bigger the boat, the more time you spend manning the pumps. the entire boat is unnecessary to stay afloat though, a life ring will do.

i don’t even know what kind of metaphor i’m trying to make here. i know it has to do with simplifying, but simplifying what? there sure are alot of complex things that could be simplified. i feel blissfully tranquil on the outside, yet something inside is yelling that something wrong is afoot. one voice screaming things could be better, the other screaming that things could be worse.

i think they’re both right.

this is kinda wierd. not having posted for awhile, and finally a little time to do so. work can become all encompassing at times (like, say, when it gets busy) and the brain gets turned off for a bit as coming home becomes a time to shut down, with little room for much else. it just happens, and then it’s march.

and so it goes. there’s not even much to write about which may have been another reason i was avoiding this. i mostly think it was the busy though. i guess one thing i have been turning around up in the ol’ noggin. i re-read the catcher in the rye a couple of weeks ago. i think the first time i read that book was like 8 years ago, so i got a different look at the implications of this very short, but profound book. it made me think about the life i live, coming back to the environment again. and there was one paricular line toward the end that really struck me.

holden had ended up getting ahold of a professor from one of his college stints and after talking for a bit holden was about to take off when the professor told him that alot of people feel lost because they are looking for things that their environment can’t provide, mostly in terms of social interaction. in context of the book, it made alot of sense. there’s a certain phoniness to alot of human interaction, and yet there are just as many other redeeming qualities.

i mean, haven’t you ever felt like you were just caught up in a dance? react this way if this happens. only use body language in these situations. smile. all of the unconscious things we can do, identified, and categorized through language and communication. it cheapens it, yet allows us to better understand.

and then the line between understanding and not comes into view. so much not understood, so much that is, and a million discrepancies in between. doing things you understand may help you get what you want, or keep the undesirables away. manipulation of events that can help or hinder depending on your point of view.

but really, what else is there to keep you distracted? i think elitism fits into the environment that can’t provide what i need, but it must still be useful somehow. i’ll touch on that at a later point though.

dance the dance, and see where it takes you.