i have been keenly observant of nothing this week. my mind will wander from time to time and my inner monologue will start going off on its own, seemingly almost unsupervised. i say i have been keenly observant of nothing because i look at things, notice a million things i may not have noticed before, then just as quickly dismiss it as the focus of attention is drawn elsewhere.

i notice a ridge in a piece of plastic attached to my computer and am instantly thinking what it would be like if i was a millionth of my size and had to traverse these ridges. what if i took 20 of them or so and made a rough surface of them to sand the rust off my car. what if i strung them onto a piece of thread wrapped onto a frame made of pvc piping to be used as some sort of shoe to walk across water. maybe if i ate it and focused hard enough on my digestion, i could derive nutritional value from it.

random ideas, gone as soon as they are thought of. like my thought process was slown down just enough for each moment to register, before being flitted away. it strikes me as ridiculous, these ideas, and they’re mostly benign, so it’s no big deal. but why does it feel like something is changing, some point of view that i’ve always had is trying to foment itself out of my subconscious and claim its right to the throne as the dominant point of view. not even so much vying for dominance in as much as just being recognized.

no, screw that. i feel that parts of my point of view can be segregated from each other, with partitioning to protect one from the other, but they’re more of a blend. if you watch the ocean, you can see waves coming in cycles dictated by the tides. sometimes they cumulate to make a large wave and get a little more force to erode the earth, and at other times the waves are canceling each other out. cycles dictating how i view the world at a particular time because i allow myself to succumb. succumb for no other reason than it feels right to do so. trying to understand for understanding’s sake.

more understanding that will beget less. poke more holes in the boat while furiously bailing it out to stay afloat. the bigger the boat, the more time you spend manning the pumps. the entire boat is unnecessary to stay afloat though, a life ring will do.

i don’t even know what kind of metaphor i’m trying to make here. i know it has to do with simplifying, but simplifying what? there sure are alot of complex things that could be simplified. i feel blissfully tranquil on the outside, yet something inside is yelling that something wrong is afoot. one voice screaming things could be better, the other screaming that things could be worse.

i think they’re both right.