bippity boppity boo.

it’s me, and this stick. chaning the world, a little at a time. chipping away at a seemingly impossible task, with time micromanaging me.

bleh, something like that. i have this state of mind today where i consistantly feel like an ass, not so much because i outwardly act like it, it’s just being in the dance long enough makes me see the background as a web of social interactions, as opposed to scenery. if that makes any sense.

but it’s just surface assery, today was an awesome day being a seattle tourist on the waterfront, and checking out the new sculpture garden. it was rather nice. it was also a beautiful day, and i was with the absolute best person i could have shared it with.

that pretty much puts it in perspective.

*ping*

signal strong, home in on it.

*ping*

closer now, steady as she goes.

*ping*

dang, lost it.

that about sums up how i’m feeling right now.

which direction to go though? i asked the friendly owl that sat atop the sign at the crossroads, bisecting the mountain range and azure sky in the distance cleanly in half. from his green eyes, solace and wisdom were trying to force itself into my brain via those eyes. he didn’t answer right off, so i asked again.

“patience, i’m thinking”

“OK, no hurry”

“obviously”

i sat for awhile, letting my mind wander while taking in the desert terrain. well, kinda desert. mostly just some dried up grasslands that hadn’t quite hit it’s rainy season yet. i could see the dead grass, eagerly expecting the slightest touch of moisture to begin it’s ascension back into the world of the living, but for now it lay dormant. rocks surround me, with multilayers of color that i know are stratifications of the earth, shown to me for the moment, only to return a few million years from now.

it’s that kind of time frame i’m working on.

my mind gets a little impatient and i give the owl the best impatient look i can muster, but he’s not even paying attention to me. i ask again which way i should go, to which he replies

“patience”

to which i, of course, have no reply. so i strike up a conversation with the lizard obviously waiting for something as well. i ask him what he’s waiting around for.

“i asked the owl which way to go, and he’s been ruminating on it for awhile, a couple years now i think. geez, how did i get roped into this.”

“roped into this?”

“yeah, someone told me this owl knew the way, and so i looked and seeked, and finally came to this non-exsistant crossroad with and owl who doesn’t like to talk to much. i’ve mostly been sitting here, thinking alot, but not really getting anywhere. this place has a nice sunning rock anyways, it’s not like i need to get there anytime soon.”

i tell the lizard he’s about the coolest lizard i’ve ever seen and he ruffles his frill with the compliment. i proceed to tell him that i too, was told about the owl as well, and that after years of wandering, i accidentally stumbled upon him when i was actually trying to find the nearest water source. i hadn’t had a drop in four days.

“well stick your head far enough down that hole over there, and you’ll come to some bedrock where some water has gathered. it’s always been nice to me.”

i thank the lizard and tell the owl i’ll be back. i really needed some water. so i looked at this hole and realized there was going to be no way i would fit inside that thing. i swore at the hole a little, and i could see it get perceptibly smaller. i apologized and just wanted to know if i could go down and get some water from her bedrock. she stayed the same size for a bit, but eventually opened up to a size that i could walk into, which was really pretty nice, considering i had just cussed her out.

i walked down this slope, getting deeper and deeper, noticing the fossils of birds and dogs and things i hadn’t even dreamed up before. the further down i got, the more i realized i didn’t know. all these fossils had a timeless quality about them though, something familiar.

i heard the water before i reached it, as the echos of my footsteps reverberated back even more, and the drips that kept falling on my head. through an opening, i saw a magnificent underground lake, dimly lit from holes in the ceiling that went way higher than i felt i’d descended. i was trying to figure out how that happened when i tripped on a stalagmite, and supermanned into the water.

i really wished i had learned how to swim.

a thought hit me a few moments ago, because of this podcast i listened to. this guy was looking back on his life through old recordings he had found of himself, and then made the point that despite what he thinks of himself from his childhood, what would he think about this radio piece he was doing right then.

i wondered what i would do if i had that kind of backlog to peruse, but it hit me that i pretty much already do, in my head. it’s not as complete as a some other recordings are, but recall wasn’t what preoccupied my thoughts anyways. the end result is more what i’m thinking of. no matter what i do with my life, my thoughts, my feelings, everything that is me, there will be growth. i will always look back on what i was with mixed feelings, maybe with some regrets, maybe with some longing. i’m already doing it now, so i don’t see why it would change. then there’s the future, spanning in the distance with endless possibilities.

then there’s this singularity called me sitting right in the middle of those two, supposedly called the present, because it’s a gift. and it is a gift, with judgement at your side to help you decide what you do or don’t want throughout your life. a veritable compendium of millions of situations, millions of judgement calls.. sitting about a foot away from this computer, typing away in a carefully judged monologue that was the base of all those decisions. that end product, waiting for more input to become yet another end product.

so i suppose that might account for some restlessness, with an ability to better yourself all the time. at least in my judgement.

i don’t know how, but this involves quality somehow. judgement and quality are interconnected in this, but i can’t put the words to it. they can both exist independently of each other, but they compliment each other so nicely. but that’s about all i can get after 20 minutes on this little paragraph. there’s something missing from that, and it won’t make sense without some extra clues.

but that’s just it, isn’t it? put it together and complete something. complete…striving for completion…

taking all those parts, putting them together, and make a complete picture, with nothing left out, nothing unaccounted for. even if you’re not striving for perfection, you are secretly seeking completion. because in that completion, lies perfection. paradox city, population: me. i need to start looking for the perfection that comes with incompletion. i know it’s rife with it, but for some reason, i don’t notice it. i have been noticing it recently, i gotta give myself some credit.

but gee, there’s always room for this singularity to grow, isn’t there? back where i started, but with more to come back to. i don’t have all the time in the world, but that doesn’t really matter. i think if you want to have that ultimate completion, you gotta die. and there’s no hurry for that.

the grand finale is often the largest and loudest part of the piece, but the movements in between are what make it so memorable.

it’s nice that while so much has changed with blogger, this little text box has remained relatively the same. being able to have something so familiar to come to whenever a computer connected to the internet is encountered, is comforting. way before i had a myspace page i neglected, there was friv. i still remember wan ke d.net though. those spaces are so i don’t get hammered by people looking for porn. ben and i both agree the evolution of that URL was fitting.

having this blog has been a blessing, because it’s such a unique record of my life. what i wanted to put in a public forum that only few people find their way to. and besides, it’s kinda fun.

distracted by a track change.

i have to mention that right now, i am listening to blue scholars, bayani, loyalty. this whole new album is amazing, as this is one standout track of many. it’s indescribable, but i bow down to the power of music.

and now it’s off to other sources of comfort.

i’ve been sitting here for about 5 mintues, trying to get the ball rolling. it’s really the hardest part about writing. when to stop is tough, but not as hard as getting started, especially when i’m not particularlylooking to put down anything. i mostly come to this site with time on my hands, and nothing to say until i spend a little time getting started and then i realize that maybe there is something up there that needs to be said, but i get distracted.

i realize my brain likes to wander and not leave a trace. i can think for hours and not really get anywhere. i make little connections, notice something different after turning it over for awhile, and then it slips back into the ether of my subconscious. it leaves no trace unless someone (mostly someone else) kicks it up.

i find myself as that kind of person alot these days. or maybe i’m just noticing it finally, which makes more sense. i feel like i spend most of my time waiting to respond to something outside of me, as opposed to acting on what is going on inside. most of the time, there’s nothing going on up there. really. i find myself thinking alot about what i should be thinking about. if i come here though, i’m forced to think in long, run-on sentances that is pretty much me communing with this blog oracle, but mostly myself. if i slow down and take time to write this stuff down, sometimes, something pops out. more so than when i sit and ruminate with no form of recording media.

my head isn’t into details, what can i say. or more precisely, details i don’t care about. talk about a universal filter. i don’t understand why some details get stuck to neural pathways, and others are sloughed off to sit in the basement. i don’t even care if i understand that though. it’s just more an interesting point for me to dwell on because it’s just thinking for thinking’s sake. i have inklings of why i think the way i do, but i have entirely too much perspective for it for it to be valid.

i think it’s time for a brain vacation. not a vacation from myself per se, but more along the lines of telling my brain to get a life. i don’t know what kind of guidelines to set up for this, or goals to achieve, but that’s what i need a break from. concrete forms, abstract forms, whatever. i think just sensing something and appreciating it for what it is more than taking it apart layer by layer by layer would do me good.

it’s time to let the imagination start running free and make some shit up.

what is it that i feel today, at this very moment, only to know that it isi here while it is, and will flit away before i can even get a handle on it? i feel on the edge of grasping something important, my body practially is screaming at me to just wake up, change your perspective, look closer. see it for what it is. i can only think though.

is it me try to tell me something? something beyond me? information that could give me some perspective, but the same outcome.

and just like that it’s gone. to return at some point, where maybe i’ll get it next time.

for goodness sake’s, stop reading this and get outside!