a thought hit me a few moments ago, because of this podcast i listened to. this guy was looking back on his life through old recordings he had found of himself, and then made the point that despite what he thinks of himself from his childhood, what would he think about this radio piece he was doing right then.

i wondered what i would do if i had that kind of backlog to peruse, but it hit me that i pretty much already do, in my head. it’s not as complete as a some other recordings are, but recall wasn’t what preoccupied my thoughts anyways. the end result is more what i’m thinking of. no matter what i do with my life, my thoughts, my feelings, everything that is me, there will be growth. i will always look back on what i was with mixed feelings, maybe with some regrets, maybe with some longing. i’m already doing it now, so i don’t see why it would change. then there’s the future, spanning in the distance with endless possibilities.

then there’s this singularity called me sitting right in the middle of those two, supposedly called the present, because it’s a gift. and it is a gift, with judgement at your side to help you decide what you do or don’t want throughout your life. a veritable compendium of millions of situations, millions of judgement calls.. sitting about a foot away from this computer, typing away in a carefully judged monologue that was the base of all those decisions. that end product, waiting for more input to become yet another end product.

so i suppose that might account for some restlessness, with an ability to better yourself all the time. at least in my judgement.

i don’t know how, but this involves quality somehow. judgement and quality are interconnected in this, but i can’t put the words to it. they can both exist independently of each other, but they compliment each other so nicely. but that’s about all i can get after 20 minutes on this little paragraph. there’s something missing from that, and it won’t make sense without some extra clues.

but that’s just it, isn’t it? put it together and complete something. complete…striving for completion…

taking all those parts, putting them together, and make a complete picture, with nothing left out, nothing unaccounted for. even if you’re not striving for perfection, you are secretly seeking completion. because in that completion, lies perfection. paradox city, population: me. i need to start looking for the perfection that comes with incompletion. i know it’s rife with it, but for some reason, i don’t notice it. i have been noticing it recently, i gotta give myself some credit.

but gee, there’s always room for this singularity to grow, isn’t there? back where i started, but with more to come back to. i don’t have all the time in the world, but that doesn’t really matter. i think if you want to have that ultimate completion, you gotta die. and there’s no hurry for that.

the grand finale is often the largest and loudest part of the piece, but the movements in between are what make it so memorable.