mediocre.

i was perusing through ben’s latest writings, and that word jumped up and smacked me in the face, and i’m still trying to sort it out. there’s such an aversion to mediocrity, and yet it just means average. noted that it does have slightly negative connotations, but i wonder if it is shunned because of the society we live in, or standards we’d like to think we hold for ourselves. could be something else, too.

i guess no one strives to be average though, and i guess that’s where the negative vibe comes from. it doesn’t take any effort to be mediocre, and yet you can still arrive there, no matter how hard you try. because that law of averages comes to bite you in the end, if you don’t have a little luck on your side.

but really, how can i escape mediocrity? i could just label my life as “non-mediocre” and that would pretty much be that. to other people’s standards though, i don’t think that would fly. so i have standards i hold myself to, and standards others hold up to me. i’m thinking that there is more of an influence from other people’s standards upon my own. it’s just easier to live up to other people’s expectations so they can’t bug you about not being up to code. it leaves me free to hold myself to my own standards, but mine aren’t always necessarily higher than other people’s. they aren’t necessarily lower, either.

depending on the time of day, those standards can be thrown a shovel to dig deeper down, or a ladder to bring them back up. it feels pretty variable to me, since they are my standards.

so here i wallow in my mediocrity, being average. which is totally subjective, except to my own standards. trying to get what i can while still maintaining a level to stay under the radar. is it so bad? is it a trap i set for myself? i feel like i’ve tried to claw my way out of this hole, and end up right here, where i started. me, with a garnish. i don’t know what to think about anything anymore, as circumstances can change a rock solid truth to a pile of sand, and it doesn’t even phase me anymore. not really.

the first question i ask when things change is “what can i do now that i know this?” i don’t question the idea behind the change, why it changed, how it changed, if i should be angry, or sad, or even if it could be changed back. i just think of how things are going to be effected by this change. and maybe that’s why i don’t go out looking to change things, because it would become this self-fueling pragmatism, that would probably swallow me whole.

it might be fun to do that for awhile, but it’s not who i am. i am very comfortable with who i am, but i couldn’t have arrived here through wisdom. maybe i did, but it wouldn’t consist of very much. i know that everything will change though, and my wisdom will be supplemented, and i will go on living. i’ll be flexible, and it could lead to greatness or tragedy, or both, i have no idea. my standards will continue to change with me, and i’ll just go from there.

there are fates far worse than mediocrity.