something, something, something.

something was on my mind and i wanted to write it down. now, giventhe oppertunity to do so, i realize that i’m going to have to try and coax it out. i guess i should start at what i precieve as the beginning.

this summer has seemed like non-time. despite the fact that i have just about as many restrictions on my time as i have ever had, it feels like it is slipping through my fingers. i feel frustrated that i couldn’t just up and go on a camping trip over the weekend, without planning it 4 weekends in advance, minimum. even then it might not work because something more important could pop up between now and then. i suppose that has been frustrating me somewhat, but it’s such a silly problem. super silly, even.

it feels like my body is trapped in some sort of stasis, where i’m more tired despite doing less, my brain feels dull, and hours fly by while barely registering what went on during them. i can feel myself clawing my way out of this though, as i probably wouldn’t be writing this down if i felt like i did the previous months. something must be happening to pull my brain out of it’s torpor, but i can’t really tell. it mostly just happens, and then there i am. wherever you go, there you are i suppose.

maybe i see the formula, but that would be pretty callous to declare. like i have it all figured out. but i feel it’s not the permutations that come from the formula, but the formula itself. there’s constants and variables, but the variables don’t affect the outcome in huge ways. i guess because one of the major constants is who i am, and unless that changes drastically in some way i cannot possibly forsee, the formula will not change. but i don’t want to change, i am very happy and content with who i am.

so that’s the cycle. be who i am and deal with my surroundings. it feels pretty bleak, so something must be missing. or is that something i just tell myself? maybe it’s already there. but then it would still be missing because i hadn’t given it a name, hadn’t identified it, so it might as well be good as missing. but maybe it’s missing because i tossed it out, and didn’t even realize i would need it, and now i have to go on a wild goose chase to find something i didn’t even know i tossed out or needed, or even what it is. i talk myself in these ridiculous circles all the time, and i know i don’t feel i get anywhere by thinking about them, because it can’t be made readily apparent.

it’s like now that i know that ideas will become apparent as i need them or are prepared for them, that i can work within my comfort zone, and things will just happen. it’d be silly to think i’ll never have to step out of that zone, but just like the ideas that appear as i need them, so does an ability to step out of the zone. it happens when i need it, and can’t be forced, at least not too hard.

i just can’t sense any difference between swimming and drifting, i just know that both need to be done from time to time, when i feel like it.

i think i know what the missing piece is, but it’s tough to do, considering the environment i’ve been brought up in. i think instead of focusing on what i need to do to get places, i need to just focus on what’s around me. easier said than done of course, but i think i can handle it now, because i know if anything needs to be worked on for me, it’s my focus.

it all sounds so trite here (because it is).

and hollow (because it is).

and yet, something different (because it is.)

wherever you go, there you are.