the post i have been avoiding, so get this catharsis started.

there was a discussion i had the other night about libertarianisim, and it has covered my brain in blackness. not the ideas of libertarianism itself, but all of the ideas implied behind such an idea. not that the idea is bad, it is just all the thinking that stems from an idea of how people should live as a society. i haven’t felt this kind of hopelessness/blackness in awhile, and it was driving me crazy for a couple of days. the fact that i am here now lets me know that it has passed somewhat, at least to the point i can try and sort it out in this medium that i always come to. i guess i came to the point where i didn’t want to keep hiding from my feelings/brain, but i’m not even sure of that.

i thought about the simple idea of libertarianism and it seems like a good idea. if you place the responsibility on yourself, then you only have yourself to blame. and i think in the realm of pure ideas, i agree with that. our democracy could use some simplification, and getting a president that actually gets the most votes certainly would have made the last decade a lot different.

but i look back at the discussion, and i realize i was trying to discuss things from a moral standpoint, while the other side was discussing things from the logical side. it’s not like there can be no reconciliation between the two, but morals don’t integrate with a pure idea because for that idea to be pure, it has to assume an unyielding moral standpoint that is inflexible, and assume that people will do the right thing.

and i guess that’s where my qualms are with any of these ideas on how to run a society. communism, democracy, despotism, can all work very harmoniously if people do the right thing. but the “if” in that statement is what brings it all crashing down.

what i can see happening with libertarianism is an explosion of granfalloons, where people band together because of their skin color, or they have beards, or they’re in a wheelchair or something because the only way to get things done is power in numbers. this just leads to factioning, and with a limited supply of resources, it ends up pretty much the same as it is today, but there’s no one to blame because you are responsible for your own happiness. there is still class division, there is still poverty, there is still inequality, and still a who-you-know type society. but now it’s the fault of the individual for not trying hard enough. which i think is a viewpoint for people who have never been a minority, or can at least have some empathy. not that being fat is a huge minority (especially in these times) but it still comes with prejudice.

this isn’t just to bash libertarianism, i know i could probably break down any form of government like this, and it would still end up with have and have-nots. there is still going to be jealousy, still going to be preferential treatment and corruption. which leads me to the thoughts underlying these modes of society, and i don’t know if it’s cynicism or what, but i don’t see us much better off than we are now. people are people and will do as conscious people do. which means what they think they can get away with. this is just a natural consequence of letting people think how they want to.

and that’s what i think is at the root of this blackness for me. because people will do what they want, even if there are consequences. we are all bestowed with consciousness to that end. and that brings me spiraling down to consciousness itself and wondering what kind of end consciousness is supposed to bring. it is neither good nor bad, it’s just what we make of it. even if it doesn’t bring itself to an end, where the hell does it matter where it goes? all it can do is strike some sort of balance with itself and just hope that a majority are within one standard deviation of the bell-curve.

i know that this is just sheer speculation but i can’t help but fear there is some large truth to all of this, and the only damn frame of reference i have is my feelings. feeling too much has always been a character trait i’ve had though, so that leaves me even worse off. i can accept this and let go, or cling to it like a life preserver.

truth is, it’s a fucking yo-yo.