i have to get this down, right now, as i am still in idea forming stages and need to get something down about this. i read frivey-time dreaming and it hit me that there is a way to blend libertarianism with socialism. i have been thinking about it since i started pondering libertarianism, because i like it’s ideas, but still grappling with the holes that come with a black and white society, and i knew there must be a better way of expressing the ideas that are so simple and pure. it seems very contradictory, but out of libertarianism, springs forth socialism. where similar groups of people living in a secure society are allowed to express their freedom to find each other and end up living in that idealized socialist society that’s straight out of the grapes of wrath.

not because a government forces it, but because it is chosen, and that makes all the difference. it ends up being a micro socialist society because it is easier to divide labor than do everything on your own, and property is not plundered if you are giving it to a trusted friend, who has given to you more times than you can count, and both sides know it doesn’t even matter.

of course i am just throwing this out there and know there is probably some way to refute this, but it feel right to me, and that’s all i got to go on for now. maybe this is friv, and i don’t even know it.

wanna watch me?

i trudge through the tears of millions of men, they infuse me, they fill me with sorrow. i trudge through with a feeling of elation, as the tears are not mine, yet still roll down my back with a raindrop style as if staring at a window on a rainy day.

i am up to my knees in the sorrows of mankind and find myself at a loss. to keep on pushing through because the reason to knowing why is not something that needs to be understood, only briefly glimpsed through the dawn of realization, that these sorrows are not mine, but are still an empty empire upon which to trod, as a path to follow.

i am that person, the undiluted paragon of greatness, as only i can know. i am strong, and i am weak, it doesn’t matter which because they are the same. that which does not kill me can only make me weaker or some shit like that. i race towards that finish line, slogging through the tears and woes of mankind and i follow the trail blazed by a million before me, and a million behind me, standing in line to reach my nirvana.

taking the trail that deviates from time to time, but ends up at the same destination, with the same realizations at the end of the road whether i had taken the direct or indirect route. i know this because it is inevitable. as different as i would like to believe i am, there can only be one major revelation that everyone must experience because there can be no other way.

there is no describing, there is no tangible evidence to point to. only a feeling. that feeling of joy, of sorrow, the one that is always present in the back of your mind and doesn’t bother you per se, but is a constant reminder of what it means to be human, of what it means to be free. the constrains of what it are irrelevant, it is only a guideline, an outline of everything that already is.

and wandering is the only way to do it, because there is no compass, no landmarks, only that which you cannot see, that which is only an intangible feeling, the touch of life that streams through everything around you, and everything that ever existed. you are a cog in that machine, and acceptance or rejection will make no difference, because consciousness is only a myth.

if you could speak loudly, much more so than you ever imagined, being able to scream with decibels that make mars jealous as he tries to contact us from his distant outpost, with only a pool of water and an abandoned viking spacecraft to facilitate his needs. to scream as no one has ever heard, but whose sound is undeniably something you have heard a million times. to be able to have clarity beyond measure, distinction beyond division and the promiscuity to be everywhere.

it exists this voice, it is only waiting to be (cliche) realized, to be held over the cauldron, and examined, one more thing to add to the pot of gods, the final ingredient that is going to make this stew perfect beyond perfection. the one ingredient that is missing to realize what it means, as a whole. to not only understand why it was made in the first place, but to wonder why you even wanted to make it with these ingredients.

sitr, stir, stir and pull out something that you have been waiting for, but also longing for, because it is of your own creation. scoop up some of those tears, those woes, those sorrows, and blend it with a food processor, because it needs to be homogenized to be realized. fall to the ground at it’s glory, praise the heavens for being offered this chance, this chance to experience everything from an experienced perspective. to soar above everything that has ever undone itself inadvertently and had no intention of doing it otherwise. to be able to wander, wonder and wild out on whatever wants your will to be. because the terms are loose, malleable, and ready to be sculpted.

beyond measure, beyond what is right and wrong, only what is. to be able to wallow in that isness and be a part of everything that you ever wanted to, because they are welcoming you with open arms and smiles of glory. unbridled joy that the joke has been on you, and will continue to be. to be. come and be a part, no decisions necessary, because it’s already happened. it doesn’t matter if it’s unrealized or not, untrue or not. because the truth will try and drag you under in its concreteness and should always be taken with a grain of salt since eternity is a moment for only one joke.

and if you cannot laugh, you are lost.

smile 🙂

let’s make a deal! i’ll type something, and blogger will post it, regardless of what is in it. deal.

just like that, summer is over. the only thing we need now is for it to get dark around here at 4:30 which is pretty close to about a month away, but it’s time for a change of weather, since this summer didn’t really get it together to really be a summer, we might as well have the cool temperatures and rain. just hold out for one more weekend on the rain, please? i’d really like to go climbing in the great outdoors.

so how are things going on your front? holding down sir, thank you very much. i’ve been reading like crazy the past week, as i finally managed to get that bolus of infinte jest through. i don’t feel like an inferior reader anymore and went through half of on the road reading for about 5 hours. that book certainly reads different now than it did 8 years ago. nothing really life shattering though, just fun to read again without that sense of dread, of feeling like i have to set aside a huge chunk of time because it takes a half hour just to get warmed up again.

my body feels well again, i feel well again. one thing i remember very distinctly from infinite jest was the idea of feeling emotions. whereas most people can moderate their emotions, there are the extremes of feeling nothing, and feeling everything. even people who have feelings in moderation tend to swing from one extreme to the other, how far just depends on how you’re wired.

feeling nothing would entail just that. nothing interests you, and you don’t want to do anything, and that paralyzes you. this is pretty bad, but isn’t terrible, you can still function in society, even if it does take effort to do it. feeling everything though, you experience everything, can’t filter it, can’t turn it off, and that paralyzes you. so in one instance your emotions are off and you can’t turn them on, and in the other your emotions are on and you can’t turn them off.

it describes this inability to turn off as ‘the blackness’, and tries to describe it as just that, something black, something so horrible as to render you immobile, frightened all the time, doing anything to avoid it.

i feel like i get both sides of this from time to time. something triggers it, and it just happens. i wonder if there are pockets in my brain, which are mostly used for chemical storage. not intentionally, but with all the growing my brain has done, and genetics and what not, maybe there are natural places for chemicals to eddy, like a river cutting through the earth to reach the ocean. it isn’t going to be a straight line, and places for water to collect will form. these chemicals eddy until a huge downpour of something comes through, and purges the cavity, allowing these previously held chemicals to flow free wherever gravity and intramolecular forces to react as they can and will. and they eventually break down and are respired, and the cycle starts again.

all these cycles i see, all these common occurrences and what do i do with them? mostly point and say, ‘gee wiz, isn’t that neat?’ i wonder if there’s anything else i can do though? predict what’s going to happen? maybe a little, but i can’t see it making that much of a difference. seeing that train while you’re tied to the tracks only let’s you know when it’s going to hit.

the key is to get untied before you can even feel the train coming, but untying yourself is tough when you have no idea where to start, and you’re left to your own devices.

good lord i finally did it. back in march i took on the task of reading this mammoth post-modern book called Infinite Jest, and i finally finished it this morning. good god what a crazy book. but like most things post-modern, it was composed of a million little vignettes that showed an aspect of the human condition, with a “plot” to string them all together. it was good, but i more remember individual stories throughout the book than anything else. david foster wallace is a good writer to be sure, but i don’t want to attempt any book of that magnitude for awhile. on the plus side, i know that since i finished this book, i don’t think any book from now on will be a problem.

the sheer incoherence…i occasionally re-read older posts of mine, and i wonder what the hell i’ve been writing lately, because it all seems so bad. like i lost something from my writing voice, that spark of letting it come as i feel it, without the filter and without the bullshit.

i feel like the things i’ve been writing lately have been chock full of bullshit, i guess mostly because i’m still sorting ideas out. i have to have some sort of dialog, to pull things of value out. but it just feels worthless. i personally have been feeling better lately, with more of the relaxed indifference i’ve spent so much of my life practicing back to somewhat normal levels.

but i feel i need to write to do something subconscious. there’s something subconsciously bugging me, pulling that thread along upon which everything else hangs from. it’s glittering color refracted and absorbed by everything else tied onto it, with some illumination, but mostly just interference. i don’t even know what it is, nor could i hope to write it out in a few words and know with certainty that this is the thred, this is the problem. because it’s more tone related than anything. the tone of my life, the tone of my ideas, the tone of my attitude, the tone of whatever. it resides above everything else and yet is the sum of everything. what the hell can you do about that but just let it purge when it needs to?

i’m fed up. i don’t want to fix anything. i don’t want to find a better way. but i don’t want to surrender either, i know there is so much to live for, so much to experience, so much to learn. i’m at a point where information dictates my reason, and there is more information than i will ever be able to handle, and reason is left gasping for air because its atmosphere is so limited.

i just want my brain to tell my body that there is nothing to worry about, and it won’t do it. it is on high alert for no damn reason whatsoever. not whatsoever i guess, but there’s this positive feedback loop where something that may have bugged me gets amplified beyond reason and becomes all consuming because for some reason, my brain sees fit to keep pumping out chemicals it doesn’t need to compensate for some signal it keeps receiving. is it my fault? some bad wiring? how can i tell, or keep things from taking off exponentially? am i just blaming my brain so it can be outside of my control? or do i subconsciously sabotage myself? consciously? how can i tell? how can i tell?

in the perpetual state of war between body and mind, i am the first casualty.

i’m still struggling about political ideology lately (because for some reason, it really bugs me) and i just had this simple thought while i was walking around today.

life isn’t fair.

and so it goes. there are lots of people who say life isn’t fair. but then there are other people who say it should be fair. and people who do think it’s fair. the meaning changes depending on how you define “fair”, but that could take hours to parse through, and it’s not really the point.

the point is that life could be fair. but how to get there? it seems impossible without some people getting the shaft, but that is part in striking that balance. and it would take so much work to achieve that fairness, but maybe it would reach a point of homeostasis and all would be well. or not. maybe too much homogeneity is bad thing.

but this is just idea talk. i think what frightens me about all this accepting of politcal ideology is the surrender of ideals. i tend to be pretty idealistic, and think that balances are struck throughout life, no matter what happens, and it ends up for the better one way or the other. there’s a lot of plasticity in thinking like this. with an ideology, i can just surrender to talking points that have been established over hundreds of years, argued out by people much smarter than i and accept these ideas because they strike me as most correct. there is some room to bend, but that plasticity i had before is severely limited. it doesn’t limit my ability to accept new ideas, or appreciate them, but now there’s a new filter of an ideology, which changes the way that information is processed.

really, it’s the way i do things now anyways, but i don’t have a set of rules like an ideology does. right now, i pretty much just start from the golden rule and go from there however i want. so accepting something like this is huge, in terms of who i want to be as a person. what side of my personality is the dominant one? which one do i want to give the reins to? sure, it rotates anyways, but making decisions like this entail sacrifice, because apparently, you can’t have it all.

i never was good at making decisions because i empathize with both sides of almost any argument. but what i don’t know is if my desire to empathize with everything is holding me back, or if it is my biggest asset.

i guess i can’t be sure until it’s gone, but by then, it might be too late.

go, go go! finish up the summer!

i had a great week of hanging out with my brother’s family, and living the life with friends as well. busy, busy, busy, and i am exhausted, especially after the hike i went on sunday. 3800 ft. of elevation gain in 4 miles is not a good idea for a first hike in a long time. it was spectacular and beautiful though, nothing like mountain air and a spectacular view to offset zombie-like tiredness. also saw some good (not great, except for ohmegga watts) acts at a more relaxed bumbershoot. i felt old to not be up front, but i just don’t want to deal with that shit anymore. plus, i am old, everyone in the crowd looks 16 or so.

i think i’ll be able to squeeze in a nap sometime next week after the wedding weekend. i really want it though, that nap. must be getting old.