the sheer incoherence…i occasionally re-read older posts of mine, and i wonder what the hell i’ve been writing lately, because it all seems so bad. like i lost something from my writing voice, that spark of letting it come as i feel it, without the filter and without the bullshit.

i feel like the things i’ve been writing lately have been chock full of bullshit, i guess mostly because i’m still sorting ideas out. i have to have some sort of dialog, to pull things of value out. but it just feels worthless. i personally have been feeling better lately, with more of the relaxed indifference i’ve spent so much of my life practicing back to somewhat normal levels.

but i feel i need to write to do something subconscious. there’s something subconsciously bugging me, pulling that thread along upon which everything else hangs from. it’s glittering color refracted and absorbed by everything else tied onto it, with some illumination, but mostly just interference. i don’t even know what it is, nor could i hope to write it out in a few words and know with certainty that this is the thred, this is the problem. because it’s more tone related than anything. the tone of my life, the tone of my ideas, the tone of my attitude, the tone of whatever. it resides above everything else and yet is the sum of everything. what the hell can you do about that but just let it purge when it needs to?

i’m fed up. i don’t want to fix anything. i don’t want to find a better way. but i don’t want to surrender either, i know there is so much to live for, so much to experience, so much to learn. i’m at a point where information dictates my reason, and there is more information than i will ever be able to handle, and reason is left gasping for air because its atmosphere is so limited.

i just want my brain to tell my body that there is nothing to worry about, and it won’t do it. it is on high alert for no damn reason whatsoever. not whatsoever i guess, but there’s this positive feedback loop where something that may have bugged me gets amplified beyond reason and becomes all consuming because for some reason, my brain sees fit to keep pumping out chemicals it doesn’t need to compensate for some signal it keeps receiving. is it my fault? some bad wiring? how can i tell, or keep things from taking off exponentially? am i just blaming my brain so it can be outside of my control? or do i subconsciously sabotage myself? consciously? how can i tell? how can i tell?

in the perpetual state of war between body and mind, i am the first casualty.