i haven’t been here for almost three weeks now, but it feels like an eternity. i feel like i don’t know how to form a cognizant sentence let alone a paragraph. that may be my mind feeling so burned out though, for whatever reason. the dull comfort of stillness and a blank stare, giving some reprieve to my aching left knee, which also hurts for whatever reason.

i got nothing, but i still want to write something, because it’s been so long, and i feel out of practice. i could choose something, sure, but i don’t want to. i just want something to grow out of nothing and make some sense later when i come back at some point.

maybe this nothing is what should be written about. that wonderful sedation that comes with mental burnout. i guess not burnout per se, but just the mental exhaustion that comes because of sickness or overexertion. i think i might be getting sick, but it’s only going to make the next week tough because it will suck my will to do anything. not sick enough to actually miss anything, but sick enough to make anything feel far more laborious than it really is.

i notice i’ve been using more words lately, like laborious or cognizant. i avoid using this kind of vocabulary in speech because it sounds pretentious, but lately it has still been slipping out. i don’t really care anymore if it sounds egalitarian, or if i have to look for a synonym when someone asks what a word means (forcing myself to define words gives me a better understanding of them).

engilsh has hundreds of thousands of words that are never used outside of pedantic circles and god help me, i may be one of them. i can’t help it, i just look for a word that best describes what i’m trying to express and that’s that. books i read subconciously trickle in, and words that have more buoyancy float up and are expelled only because they’re the most visible. it just pops into my head and i’ve been suppressing it for too long. at least i’ll begin doing it more here anyways, but that just depends on if i start thinking less and writing more.

thinking less…check.

man, just listen to that noise. all around you, at all times. even a refrigerator running or the monotonous hum of a computer has a tone. it has that potential of musicality going for it. if i focus on it, all the dissonance hurts my head. which is probably why i push it to the background most of the time.

there has to be something here i could say that i haven’t put forth in some form or another. i haven’t been writing anything of consequence for what feels like forever, but is probably closer to 6 months. my feeling of time is being relatively adjusted by myself. but lately i keep asking myself what i want out of this life, and keep drawing a blank. anything sounds pretty good to me, considering i have the option to do almost whatever i want. i could do anything and be moderately good at it, and then move on to being moderately satisfied. how very mediocre of me.

but what would be that push for greatness, that burning desire to achieve more? to what end? all my life i’ve never really aspired for anything, never thought “i’m not going to rest until i achieve this goal” unless it was assignment/requirement, and i’ve been OK with that. but if i am OK with it, then why do i question what i want out of life, since by my definition, i already have it?

touche, ego. but you’re not getting off that easy. unfortunately, neither am i.

i see it raining outside, and even though i cannot hear it, i can conjure up the sounds, the feel of that rain. i can feel the noise wash over me, with its regular percussion. the cold wet feeling that erases all conscious thought, filling up into a sea of forgetfulness, wondering if i’ll ever be dry again. wash out all this order and chaos, cleanse me of assigning values and judgment calls, and let me be.

drain me of that which i am, and leave the husk to discover what is truly missing without me. my body and spirit, left at an arms-length apart, but with no perspective to see it for what it is. both staring into an empty void, unable to reconcile that which does not exist, left clawing at nothing. who are you? soft whispers of what could be dance slowly to the ground, in a waltz both terrifying and enchanting. a single point of light emanating from an unknown source destined to go at the speed of light to a destination that does not matter.

it all comes full circle, in the end.

it’s kinda nice that i get back from hawaii, and it’s already time for thanksgiving. days off rule. it’s also nice to be back in a climate that i can deal with again. having it between 70-and 80 all the time is nice, but i would have to put forth a very concerted effort to exist in it all the time, as i feel great in this cold weather, and ahve the ablility to sleep through the night again.

i did manage to propose to heather as well while i was out there (and she said yes), so all in all it was a great trip of snorkling, and hanging out at various beaches around the island.

it’s much more laid back there as you imagine a tropical paradise would be though, which is pretty much polar opposite from here, and i’ll miss that much. it at least gives me the perspective that i do live in an area that is just tragically hip, a battleground where people fight for the honor of becoming the most hip.

it’s a never-ending struggle, unless of course something of real importance comes up.

it’s so time to go to hawaii, i need to get out of here for a week.

and that’s the gist of it.