some reflection?

there is just chaos everywhere, imbued in every person walking around right now. there is always a quantity that is palpable between everyone you encounter for whatever reason. at this time of year though, the chaos comes screaming to the surface with no sense of decency.

it is the holiday season, and it is almost done. i have everything set up and now that the dominos are already falling and i am fully prepared, i guess i can take a breather for a second and be that surfer that gets to enjoy a wave that took some timing and preparation to ride, and exist in that glorious instant that only occurs to you while you are in it.

which brings me here, as mundane as it seems. it’s the end of another year, and there is so much running around seeing people, eating, drinking, and hopefully, plenty of joy to be shared. and this is some prep time, before scurrying off to another destination, another social event, another family gathering. to take a little stock and try and be as non-ironical as possible when expressing happiness and self-satisfaction, because it’s tough to turn these ideas over in your head without a smidge of good ol’ irony peeping through, smirking as you think you have a grasp on an idea. even a bit of cynicism is tought to avoid sometimes no matter how hard you try.

leaving me to express what, exactly?

not sure in that department, feelings translate into words only occasionally for me, and i can write so much here but still leave all sorts of gaps for me to fill in later, to read between the lines of something i may or may not have tried to express in this electronic wonderland. a rosetta stone in my head that is always there, to make my writing mine again, where ideas are not expressed in stark contrast to its surroundings, but being layered without me even meaning to do so. my brain talking to itself, in a language only it can dictate or explain. because the idea in itself doesn’t matter, because it justifies itself just in its being.

i type things carefully, turning words over in my head, seeing if they sound right. to see if they ring true with what my idealized inner monologue is when i can take time to plot it out. here it is, photoshopped and cropped to leave traces of true meaning, but ending up as some strange hybrid of inner thoughts applied to external filters, to create something so pure and inane as to almost have no substance, only form.

it’s very similar to how it feels when you catch that wave.