being sick makes me weird, i’m not sure why, but i always end up being just a little off-kilter when it happens, and it doesn’t go away for awhile. but i ams who i ams.

i keep wondering lately how i’m going to turn out in another 40 years. i look at how there is such a generational gap between us and our parents, and a gap consisting of light years between grandparents. but i look at the differences and most of them are skin deep, but the major difference is openness. it’s there to a point where an acceptance of ideas is discarded. there is no wonder in seeing new things, just resignation to the fact that there will be new things.

but after accepting so much stimuli over decades of life, how could you not shut yourself off at a certain point? or on the other hand, with so much out there to experience, how could you ever close yourself off? it has to be some sort of personality trait, something that is integral to the vision you have of yourself. adding new information all the time to this idea of yourself can either be taxing, or something that is integral to growth. no right or wrong here though, despite my lopsided wording.

but i can’t help wondering how i’ll turn out. i mean, i try and keep myself as open as possible, because i feel like i’ve made way more mistakes in my life because i was closed off as opposed to being open about things. it’s what i can hope for, but my guess is alot will change by the time i’m sixty. so there is not really anything to do but wait for it. which i’m good with, but it’s still interesting to ponder. will i someday be as dense as the people i wish not to emulate? it’s always a possiblity, as it wouldn’t be the first 180 in my life.

i think the real gift is the privilege to even make it that far in life.