my brain is set to go, but a i have to wait.

hurry up.

wait.

hurry up.

wait.

rinse, repeat.

i wonder if i could get posted on poetry.com with that gem. probably, it did come from a raw, primal source within me, that is stuck in work mode, but wants to get out and do stuff this weekend. bike rides, brewing, climbing, hip hop. do it all! i can and will, indeed.

anyways, i got all this free time and not really anything to do with it. so i guess i should let my mind wander and see what comes out. ooh! i got it. i was listening to something about the hadron collider and how there was a infinitesimally small chance of the world being swallowed into a black hole. what caught me though was a physicist explaining the type of research they were going to be doing to try and get that data that is going to show once and for all that everything can be explained by a simple, elegant set of equations. i know i’ve heard this a million times, but it was the tone and the phrasing she used to declare that we are getting so close to total unification, and then we’ll be able to explain it all. that kind of certainty bugs me, especially since moments before she had been talking about using the collider to discover new types of energy previously unheard of. and then my biological training kicked in, and click.

i hear all the time about energy we know very little about or if it even exists. what if there are other types of energy that can’t be detected because they are in competition with our own type of energy? all sorts of different permutations of “energy” that are all competing for niche in life, the universe and everything. not that it’s deliberately looking to exist outside of our plain of existence, it’s energy is just based off of something totally outside our realm of observable phenomenon . it may be able to exist because it doesn’t interact with our type of energy, and when it does, it gets consumed by our particular form and has its form changed to match our own thus becoming a part of it with no residual effect. it could be happening the other way too.

with how many types of species are trying to exist on this planet, with millions of different ways of doing it, it would seem ridiculous that there would only be one type of energy that existed everywhere. all the eggs in one basket, as it were.

of course we could be limited to one type of energy in this universe, where our rules may have been dictated after the big bang, and everything enclosed in that universe has rules laid down at that point. but there could be lots of other big bangs, or a million other type of interactions that would create a universe with energy laws all it’s own. i don’t know quite how to explain it, but it’s kinda like darwinian evolution for energy. not even necessarily evolution, just different energy that creates different matter, which i guess would create different universes, and depending on the permutation of the base energy form, their ability to interact. which could be direct or indirect.

i’m starting to confuse myself now, but i was meaning to throw that out here. it needs to mature a little i think, but hey i bet if i went and googled it, i could get a better explanation from someone who’s more trained in these areas.

at least the free-association side of my brain works from time to time.

i used to have thoughts, then i realized all i wanted was to be entertained. it isn’t as bad as all that though, it’s just the state of being that i have come into recently. or at least something i can point to and name as of recently.

it hit me pretty good a couple of days ago. i had some extra time, and was wondering what to do with it, and nothing seemed very appealing.

Inner Ego:

“but ryan! you have to use your time efficiently! if you got nothing better to do, go brush up on some politics so you can be well informed in that next political discussion you get into. or watch some show or read some book or play some video game you’ve been meaning to get around to so that the next time someone brings it up, you will have experienced it, and will be able to have a discussion. or go for a run or do some yoga, so that your body will strengthen up, and down the road you’ll be better off. every second past is a second you’ll never get back, and in that second, you could have bettered yourself. think on that one, smart guy.”

i don’t know where this voice came from but it can’t all be me, it has to have come from outside as well, that tricky environment that pushes me to use my hunting gathering skills to hunt and gather information in an age where knowing things is critical to life. gain some more information, sucka! to what end? if i don’t have the time to sit and process this information, then i just become a talking point for the information. all knowledge and no wisdom, this is almost a virtue these days, but i can’t swallow it. all i can do is kind wallow in it, because if i can’t help myself from being surrounded by it, i can at least keep myself from ingesting it.

and yet i still wallow in this entertainment world, looking for the next best thing, and hoping that it will do a better job of distracting me than the last article. and despite my ability to keep from opening my mouth and eating it whole, it is leaking through every porous membrane i have, leaving me in the same state as if i had actively decided to consume it. because i’m going to hit that homeostasis with my environment one way or another.

this is just one facet of the inanities of my life, there are hundreds of others, just as inane.

I’m stupid to the point where i realize that i’m just not stupid enough to cut it.

let’s blog!

it’s been a busy couple of weeks, since i’ve got this new position in the lab and i have to get my learn on so i can get up to speed. not only the learning, but the schedule shifitng has been tough. i get to go back to my 12-8 schedule soon as i can be more independent, but i’m all messed up from all this working during the day.

which is fine, i should savor this, because soon enough i’ll be very proficient at my job and i won’t have this worry, this obsession to double check everything i do, the feeling of wild-flailing. all this with few consequences doesn’t happen very often, and it’s good to remember old feelings first hand.

gives you that good ol’ fashioned feeling of being alive, yeah?