i used to have thoughts, then i realized all i wanted was to be entertained. it isn’t as bad as all that though, it’s just the state of being that i have come into recently. or at least something i can point to and name as of recently.

it hit me pretty good a couple of days ago. i had some extra time, and was wondering what to do with it, and nothing seemed very appealing.

Inner Ego:

“but ryan! you have to use your time efficiently! if you got nothing better to do, go brush up on some politics so you can be well informed in that next political discussion you get into. or watch some show or read some book or play some video game you’ve been meaning to get around to so that the next time someone brings it up, you will have experienced it, and will be able to have a discussion. or go for a run or do some yoga, so that your body will strengthen up, and down the road you’ll be better off. every second past is a second you’ll never get back, and in that second, you could have bettered yourself. think on that one, smart guy.”

i don’t know where this voice came from but it can’t all be me, it has to have come from outside as well, that tricky environment that pushes me to use my hunting gathering skills to hunt and gather information in an age where knowing things is critical to life. gain some more information, sucka! to what end? if i don’t have the time to sit and process this information, then i just become a talking point for the information. all knowledge and no wisdom, this is almost a virtue these days, but i can’t swallow it. all i can do is kind wallow in it, because if i can’t help myself from being surrounded by it, i can at least keep myself from ingesting it.

and yet i still wallow in this entertainment world, looking for the next best thing, and hoping that it will do a better job of distracting me than the last article. and despite my ability to keep from opening my mouth and eating it whole, it is leaking through every porous membrane i have, leaving me in the same state as if i had actively decided to consume it. because i’m going to hit that homeostasis with my environment one way or another.

this is just one facet of the inanities of my life, there are hundreds of others, just as inane.

I’m stupid to the point where i realize that i’m just not stupid enough to cut it.