there must be change in the air. it has to be there, waiting to be grasped. when i read something happens. i choose these books, or others recommend them, and i read them, and then i get affected a little. just a little, i notice, and it’s just a small feeling, a trickle of something that i can’t really define, adds to me, makes me want to do something.

i have trouble recalling exactly what it is unless i am forced to do so, and the harder i try and hold on, the more foggy it gets. even clearly defining things, that moment where i think i have put something pretty eloquently into words, it feels hollow. it’s not what i mean. it’s not what i was trying to say. or maybe it was, and maybe i did a little jig with words that got the general gist of the point across. but the deep recesses of my mind can only feel what a book is trying to tell, a movie is trying to portray, a piece of music is hoping to explain.

i ingest it and process it, and i just come away with my brain saying good or bad, with all the multitudes that reside in those feelings, what i don’t want to explain. i don’t have to keep it all to myself, but the explanation doesn’t help with the theme, just the interpretation, and most of the time parsing things doesn’t help make it more clear.

i live in this world of change, and it accepts me. all i can do is try and write it out occasionally, try to write some mystifying thing that i can read later and get that feeling, what i tried to put into words. and when you try to define needs and wants when you don’t really have any, it becomes a calm sea like this, explaining and achieving nothing.

stretching out to infinity, residing with the whole, full of everything you brought, with a lingering feeling that somehow, this could all make sense.

surreal, that was the word i was looking for in trying to start up this blog. you know, that starting spark to get the ball rolling when you’re on a quest for writing.

kind of a mundane surreal though, nothing mind-altering. sometimes, my life just catches up with me, as a person and it stares me down, and says “what now, bitch?”. and all i can do is smile in its face. smile at all that is around me, smile at everything that is. because i could react in any of a million ways, but it feels pretty good when i smile, so i might as well go for that. an inward smile, a touch of irony, a touch of reality, mashed up into a facial gesture.

i could do just about anything until i’m blue in the face, and end up right where i started. nothing futile, nothing gained, just hangin’ around. pressure pushes from all sides to do certain things, and often i go with them, occasionally i resist. it mostly matters on how i’m feeling that day. and when i come to, i end up not to far from where i last started, the last reference point i left for myself. at least i think i left it for myself. i sometimes think i leave them for other people, but i realize that’s pretty silly. it’s tough enough to leave them for me. others go and do what they want, and i pretty much do the same.

i look down inside me, looking for something, but what? without knowing what i’m looking for, aren’t i just going to think up something to find and then find it? or if i do go looking for something specific, aren’t i going to just for the sheer fact that my filter is set for it? so let’s go with nothing, the filterless search. what i find is nothing, a void. not one of those lonely, all-encompassing voids, but just a void. some black area with nothing in it, that’s all. metaphysically speaking, what else would i be looking for? it just sits there, looking in every general direction, and i do what i want with it. which is mostly just look and think. i can take something, put it in that void, and turn it over for awhile, reshape it, then pull it out when i think i’ve done all i can for the moment with it, put it back on the shelf, and file it away, hope fully to be used again at some point. but mostly, the void is me, the source of everything.

i don’t know what to do with it, it mostly does everything on it’s own, and things just happen. and then it affects something. and then something happens. and then it repeats. until the void implodes and takes me with it.

i throw up some scaffolding around it, butress it here and there, just as reminders for myself. it just helps me out. it wants not for glory, it only wants to be. i don’t want glory. i want to be. everyone else can come along, it doesn’t really matter, as long as they want to be as well. i don’t want to achieve anything, i don’t want to leave a mark. i can’t. can’t, won’t, whatever, it’s not terribly consequential.

i want not for glory, i need to remember that. putting words to things you knew all along can have a profound effect.

meditation is weight lifting for your mind, i’m convinced of this now.

use it or lose it.

hey hey, what’s the dealio?

slow down.

breathe.

there, isn’t that better? in times where everything feels wrong, it’s time to step back, look at it and breathe. sure the next couple of months are going to be hectic. sure there’s too much to do, all the time. i’ve been on this fast track for so long now that even relaxing is adding to the stress.

exhale.

i get to work straight wishing i didn’t have to go, wishing i could be out as soon as i can so i can rush off to the next thing to do. a pile of wedding, a pile of training, a pile of day to day activities. i have been doing everything without thinking about it, just thinking of what needs to be done next. i get caught up in it, and no wonder i feel so exhausted on the time. a combo of allergies, time restraints and general feel of apathy towards it all.

breathe.

apathy why? i’m mostly doing what i want, when i want to, with a few exceptions, but nothing to get bent out of shape over. but then my brain does it for me with out of control dreams, constant, baseless anxiety, and hair-trigger irritability. creating problems for myself so i constantly have something to deal with. at least in my head, anyways.

exhale.

i know what needs to be done, more actively than passively, and it is time. i am who i am, and i know in the back of my mind that these times exist for a reason, to get me back to thinking actively. get back in touch with who i am. not any of that who i want to be bullshit, but who i am, now. revel in it. because the person i want to be and the person i am now, are indeed, separate. but when you focus on the person you are, you eventually end up being the person you want to be anyways. because if you’re not being that person you’ll either end up blaming everyone but yourself, or blaming only yourself.

breathe.

and eventually, your standards have to change.

exhale.