surreal, that was the word i was looking for in trying to start up this blog. you know, that starting spark to get the ball rolling when you’re on a quest for writing.

kind of a mundane surreal though, nothing mind-altering. sometimes, my life just catches up with me, as a person and it stares me down, and says “what now, bitch?”. and all i can do is smile in its face. smile at all that is around me, smile at everything that is. because i could react in any of a million ways, but it feels pretty good when i smile, so i might as well go for that. an inward smile, a touch of irony, a touch of reality, mashed up into a facial gesture.

i could do just about anything until i’m blue in the face, and end up right where i started. nothing futile, nothing gained, just hangin’ around. pressure pushes from all sides to do certain things, and often i go with them, occasionally i resist. it mostly matters on how i’m feeling that day. and when i come to, i end up not to far from where i last started, the last reference point i left for myself. at least i think i left it for myself. i sometimes think i leave them for other people, but i realize that’s pretty silly. it’s tough enough to leave them for me. others go and do what they want, and i pretty much do the same.

i look down inside me, looking for something, but what? without knowing what i’m looking for, aren’t i just going to think up something to find and then find it? or if i do go looking for something specific, aren’t i going to just for the sheer fact that my filter is set for it? so let’s go with nothing, the filterless search. what i find is nothing, a void. not one of those lonely, all-encompassing voids, but just a void. some black area with nothing in it, that’s all. metaphysically speaking, what else would i be looking for? it just sits there, looking in every general direction, and i do what i want with it. which is mostly just look and think. i can take something, put it in that void, and turn it over for awhile, reshape it, then pull it out when i think i’ve done all i can for the moment with it, put it back on the shelf, and file it away, hope fully to be used again at some point. but mostly, the void is me, the source of everything.

i don’t know what to do with it, it mostly does everything on it’s own, and things just happen. and then it affects something. and then something happens. and then it repeats. until the void implodes and takes me with it.

i throw up some scaffolding around it, butress it here and there, just as reminders for myself. it just helps me out. it wants not for glory, it only wants to be. i don’t want glory. i want to be. everyone else can come along, it doesn’t really matter, as long as they want to be as well. i don’t want to achieve anything, i don’t want to leave a mark. i can’t. can’t, won’t, whatever, it’s not terribly consequential.

i want not for glory, i need to remember that. putting words to things you knew all along can have a profound effect.