here i sit.
almost fully recovered, it has been a long week since last thursday. legendary to be sure, but i am getting to old for this kind of stuff. man it was fun though, and i did manage to survive.
down to a month here, one more month until the party of the century. i am really looking forward to it at this point, and the work to get it all together will get it done. but other than that, it’s autopilot for the rest of the summer. hell it’s been autopilot already, i think i’m just calling it out.
i feel like i’ve lost my ability to ramble here, for some reason or another. i like coming here. i like to write thoughts, feelings, etc. despite how mundane and inane they are. i can come here and just write, and if i never came here my writing would be even more dismal than it is already. not that i put much thought into it in the first place, but it’s a use it or lose it skill.
i need some more ideas to feed off of. correction. i think i need to scrape my brain out a little more, the ideas are there, they just don’t interconnect and come to the surface as easily anymore. probably because of the autopilot, but excuses like those are just that, excuses. i have no forums, i have no book groups, i only have this, my lonely little blog. my dialogue with myself, and lately it’s been a wasteland. my brain has been a wasteland, and that probably won’t change. i can at least put in a few paths and pick up some of the trash though, get some order going on. yeah, we’ll see if that happens.
because i am a lazy man, and desire outside influence for direction. well desire might not be the right word. it’s more along the lines that there needs to be some pressure, some force, some deadline, some outside influence for me to really get my butt in gear. because if there isn’t structure, it slips into laziness. school was tough and all that, but that was a good 4 years ago now.
vacation has gone on long enough, and it’s time to get the brain back into action, but then it takes a look around. it isn’t really necessary. i mean, besides reliving some anxiety, or a feeling of stagnation, there’s not much other reason. just doing it for it’s own sake isn’t good enough for me. it should be i guess, but it isn’t. i would much rather take a nap, and then i feel guilty about it for some reason. i’ve got to cut that shit out, for sure.
in a world where there is always something to be done, you’re always going to be behind. you’re always going to have something pressing, something that could be done at this moment, something that is necessary to do so you can feel OK about the way that events are passing in your life and that everything is hunky-dory. only so much can be accomplished on any given day, and the pressure to fit even more in seems to be the norm. and i don’t even have kids yet. part of my base personality knows this, embraces it, because it knows that there’s enough to be done without getting caught up in a multitude of details. then there’s that little part in the corner, shy as hell, feeling anxious that maybe enough isn’t getting done and how are other people going to judge you for that? i don’t like being judged bar-none. what can i say? i’m sure most people don’t appreciate it. but there’s this deep pit fear of rejection from a lifetime full of scheming and avoidance that leaves my soul in limbo. not knowing how to come to grips with itself.
i have so grown beyond this, this aching, narcissistic feeling that everyone needs to like me, and yet i haven’t. i’ve only told myself i have. but telling yourself can be a powerful thing. but the total acceptance has to come from something i am totally unaware of, something i don’t have enough information or wisdom to discern. and i keep telling myself that i need to wait, events unfold, time happens, and growth occurs. and maybe i do. maybe i don’t. really, either the active or passive is going to get me to the same destination, in a blend that is so subtle that i mostly do it without thinking. to what destination though? i like that it’s a mystery. you just grow up and reach a destination that billions of people before you have, and there is no name for it. death i suppose, but that’s far too dramatic and not really what i think i’m trying to encapsulate.
the destination is here, it is now. where else can you go? that destination is the ability now, to make a choice. to push off in whatever direction you feel like, and see where it takes you. to be true to yourself, or not. it matters only to you.
the chatter of this life can come crashing down, at anytime, for any reason, and problems can evolve so rapidly as to leave your head spinning. shit happens to people everywhere all the time, the law of averages isn’t a shield.
i write all this nonsense with a stunning sense of deja vu. maybe that’s a reason i have trouble discussing ideas here anymore, because i felt like i’ve probably already covered that base, i just have to go back and read it. and maybe i need to. but at the same time i am doomed to repeat myself forever, so why not just go with it. nuances will arise, maybe a little more wisdom will be applied than that bitter time i cranked something out in college, when i had all the time in the world to think.
thinking is a luxury, now that’s a good one to remember.
Undiluted Stupid 