Monthly Archives: January 2009

am i really here, right now? doing the things that i do? must be, there doesn’t seem to be any other explanation for this behavior. not really any other excuse for it either. but what do i know.

i can start from the back of my brain and see outward. start from the very back recesses where my vision processing is started, then follow a few synapses and then come barrelling out of my eyes at tremendous speeds to gather light for further analysis. once brought back, it is spent, and it drifts back to wherever it came form, changed to a lower energy state. and even if it is only subconsciously, i thank it. at least a little gratitude is nice from time to time for those who so selflessly work for our greater good.

is there some sort of joy threshold? the difficulty of change stacked up against the laziness of the self. left to stagnate, wanting to stagnate, not really seeing any other option. it only sounds bleak. really, there’s no other way, so the bleakness is a straight opinion. make a decision and then follow through, and discover something about yourself, about your place in this life, about the dynamics of life itself, and hold it up to get a better look. expose it for a bit, so you can really see how it reacts, how it really responds to raw stimuli. once you have a pretty good idea of what it’s doing, it gets tucked away into someplace safe, before it is destroyed forever. at least destroyed in a perceptible fashion. because those waves keep lapping up to the shore, taking something with every swell to be redistributed to the mass, the whole. that idea of “everything” that is out there somewhere, waiting for us to realize where we fit, with our frame of scale limited to about 75 years.

that frame of time keeps things interesting though. feels like forever, gone in the blink of an eye. it’s pretty amazing when you think about it. our bodies have been designed to live to about 75 years in optimum conditions. why? maybe the aztecs all lived to be roughly 200 years old and we have no idea, hence the mysterious wiping out. anyone who has a frame of reference that long is just going to end up destroying themselves for want of something better to do.

it’s strange, i realize i haven’t had any nightmares in awhile. i haven’t had anything bug me enough to trouble my sleep. even when i do get into the dreams where i’m normally being chased and should be afraid, i’m just not now. i had a dream of getting caught in the gaza strip in a city battle between israel and hamas, and it didn’t phase me. i filled my satchel with food and water and wandered the battle zone until i found this bus that went to the airport, and then proceeded to wake up. i don’t know if this is a sign of being way too comfortable in my life, or that things are actually going well. it’s kinda funny that it could be either one.

ambiguity rules my day, and i’m wondering if that’s really a bad thing.

bloggiiiiiiiiiiiin’ in the new year.

welcome to 2009, ya’ll. good times have been had, more good times to come. i don’t see why not, as long as i’m breathin’.

more apostrophes to replace g’s please. posses it!