this is the life i lead. apparently. i don’t know what to really make of it at all anymore. but did i ever? i get this angry over a stupid job. i mean, i should be expecting to be getting out of there four hours late when it’s this busy, but it just made me mad today. i should be happy to have a job, i mean with the recession on and everything. i’m grateful for that, but i had this weird anger today, almost a self satisfied thing. i’m not even sure it was anger, i could only describe it as a self-sureness. not so much in myself though, but in my role on this earth. it doesn’t make any sense. it does, but it doesn’t. i exist and it’s pretty grand. but really, that’s about all i can expect.

the gift and the curse of being self-aware is that you can’t know what it’s like to not be self-aware. sure, i can get a good idea of it since i can be aware of my thoughts and project them however i like, but i can’t know. i mean, once you realize that you are a self-aware creature, you can’t unring that bell. at the state that humanity is at as well, there’s nothing to do but make small incremental change. there’s too many people for anything to rash without causing some major pain. all we can do is plan and have that long view.

i heard a story on the radio about how penguins in antarctica have to travel farther out (40km!) to get the food they need to bring back to their families. and it’s causing them to not only to delay the delivery of food, they’re burning though more of it to deliver it. why is this news? because we have caused this through our selfish evil ways and global warming, and we feel a little responsible and thus broadcast out these ideas because it’s a point of interest. this leads down all sorts of roads for possible causes and solutions and debates and exchanges of ideas and all sorts of hoopla. all the penguins realize is that food is scarce for one reason or another, and they’re just gonna have to deal to get the food they need to survive. there are penguins that are gonna survive because they’re better equipped to go the extra distance required for them to get food, and some are going to die because they are unequipped. young that can survive longer without support from their parents are going to grow up to be better suited for their environment, which is (brace yourself) changing! ye gods! the thing i have trouble reconciling is all this change used to run off of everything being unaware of themselves. we just went and messed that whole thing up by taking that eventual evolutionary step, and we have thrived because of it. we can do some projection of change based on laws of nature, laws of physics, observable laws, and get a pretty good idea of what’s going on. i just can’t really see how we’re any different than those penguins.

everyone has this idea of earth. an idea that it is a living organism, a place we live, a congregation of souls, it’s whatever you want it to be as an idea. the thing is, the earth doesn’t get better or worse, it just is. whether we live in harmony, or chop down every last tree, it still exists. that balance of forces that allow life to begin are almost infinitesimally small and here we sit, basking in its glory. what difference does it make if we care for an environment that cares not for us? probably because we get a better quality of life if we take interest (spend time) on the things that allow us to survive comfortably. but how good can that life get? can you quantify it? and if you can, why? if it’s good, it’s good right? what other qualifiers are necessary? the sheer ability to thrive in the conditions i am in is a life of luxury, and yet i come here and hammer out existential crap that bubbles up through my brain from time to time when i catch a glimpse of me existing. a million evolutionary dead-ends and reprocessing of elements of the earth to create a society for me to partake in. i consider myself lucky in that regard. at this particular moment, time is linear for all intents and purposes. i could probably change that up if i wanted, since reality is what i make of it, but that penguin instinct in me would rather take the direct route, as it’s done for millions of years. if time wants to be reinvented, it will. if the earth wants to be reinvented, it will. it could be because of any one major force, leading to a million little ones, or a million little forces amassing in what looks like one huge force. really, is there a difference? time may be linear for now, but that can mean you either get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’ depending on how you want to look at it.

all i know as a self-aware creature is that if i had to swim an extra 40 km to get my food, i would be very grateful when i finally got it.