encapsulate this space with this, something written down. straight from my inner monologue, spaced out at the tempo that my hands can move across this keyboard. it gives a weird staccato to a dialogue that normally moves along at a conversational pace. so i type like this, trying to keep up with that inner voice, having a conversation with myself.

so then, what would you like to talk about?

hmmm, good question, my brain feels a bit on the ridiculous side. but that normally happens after long weekends that tend to short things out, until they have a little downtime to recover. but it was a good weekend. didn’t get to meet with dave, but it should happen soon, so there’s no worries there. saturday night made me remember how awesome it is to dance, especially to drum and bass. and i got sick so got in plenty of vid time. i was gonna play loads of persona 4 anyways, i just had to use many more blankets to keep myself comfortable. now it’s back to work, and everything is fine.

everything is fine, what else really is there to say? i plan and plan to keep myself out of uncomfortable situations, so now i reap the rewards. and it makes me happy. so much to be thankful for, but no way to express it without doing it in a way that would sound disingenuous. that’s how it would sounds to me anyways. all i really feel comfortable with is focusing on how i feel at this exact moment, knowing that this can’t last forever. not in the sense that it will change for better or for worse, but that there is impermanence in all of this, and i feel comfort in that.

this is my life, the choice i decided to make.

ahhhh, this hasn’t happened for a bit. room to breath, room to do stuff like come here randomly and shower everyone who comes here with confetti like bits of wisdom and observance, thrown haphazardly around and leaving the mess around for someone else to sweep up. who am i kidding, i sweep it up. then dump it back where it came from so that it can mix around a bit before i reach into the confetti bin the next time i’m here. reduce, reuse, recycle, i say. ideas are not exempt.

and then things got busy. of course, i’m also trying to get out of here so we can hit the road for mike’s wedding. i am really looking forward to this, i sense the components of legend in the air.

so here’s some quick observations, just some jots in the notebook. i hear everyone talking about global warming alot. from what i can tell listening to various experts, they all agree on the fact that the earth is a huge environment, with millions of effects driving change at all possible moments. so let me throw this out there. it’s too late to stop alot of the catastrophes that are going to occur. i think the biggest one is going to be keeping fresh water around. it’s going to be tough enough to keep some around for drinking, let alone agriculture.

there are just too many people on this earth to stunt the events already put into motion, like the acidification of the ocean, and extreme melting of the icecaps. too many vicious cycles have already started, and the time frame of how the planet earth acts as an environment is probably shorter than we think. we can prepare or blunt what is going to happen, but the bottom line is that there is going to be a load of suffering as water cycles start changing up their frequency, and location.

I’m not saying that it’s time to give up and not do anything, but even if we could put every single policy into place to reverse the trend right now, it would still be too late. not to be a downer here, and i would rather be proved wrong, but i just think that with all the crazy industrialization going on around the world and such a huge population to sustain, the earth is going to get a tummy-ache. earth to humans: live everyday like it was your last!

i feel like i’ve typed this out already. well, here it is again!

connections. the word holds quite a bit of possibility. it certainly has a draw to it. i just have to find that next sentence, that next connection to keep the ball rolling. because if it stops then it just takes that much more of an effort to get the momentum back up.

and then, bam.

switch up the music, get a smile on your face. and that’s the thing with music. all this crap i throw out there about how language is so imperfect for expressing thoughts…bring on the music. express a feeling through tones and inflection. go for straight time if you’re feeling direct, 3/4 time if you’re feeling a bit more circuitous. get up with the major, get down with the minor. do whatever you want! just like languages there are rules, but none of them are hard and fast, get artistic on that shit.

so there’s that. i just need to pull my head out of the clouds for a second and blink a couple of times to clear my eyes. take a deep breath. and smile a little, why not?

switch up the music again, think, reflect.

i’ve been here before. again. just like i wanted to be. relaxing, feeling my body, taking a deep breath and smiling. and then remember to pull myself back down again. think objectively and look around. yup, everything seems to be in place. it must be why it’s so tough to think of things to type about at this moment. when it feels like every story i can tell is inconsequential, yet central to my growth as a person, it’s a feeling of dichotomy that is tough to contain. the meta nature of it feels like an old coat i’ve gotten used to wearing, but only for practical purposes.

seriously, just let my subconscious run free and this is what happens. all my happiness seems to stem from melancholy these days, and i can’t be sure if that’s a great thing anymore. it is for sure, but balance it out for god’s sake. turn your brain on occasionally. coming here is a cry for help, you know, from my ego and id to my super-ego. grow a backbone and do something. all these ideas and all talk. be the change you want to see in the world. be!

yup! and all i can guarantee is i’ll see you when i see you. and then give a jaunty smile and a wave. 🙂

hahaha, i can’t believe i was just gonna end a post with a :). that makes me smile and laugh.

happy 28th!

words have a certain draw to them. for instance, i try to think of something to write here, right up to the very last minute. like i know i need to come here, but i haven’t planned out a goddamn thing and am trying to think of something right before the buzzer. outwit myself into thinking of something somewhat interesting to write about. but that’s what that draw is. thinking of something random like “clueless” and then thinking for a moment, trying to coax the little idea that may be crouching behind it out into the open. like you feel it drifting away, but it doesn’t do so at a hurried pace, it almost sticks around, daring you to find something meaningful to attribute to it. and then it still mostly ends up slipping away.

so why was i here again? feelin’ the itch i suppose. to express some prose. and be opposed. to girls with clothes.

ok, that was terrible, but it makes me laugh.

there’s no reason i shouldn’t be doing something i love right now.

uhhh, don’t take that the wrong way.

you know, it’s wierd. i sometimes look at the life that i choose to lead, and i can’t but help and feel how ridiculous it is. at another moment though, i can look at it with a sense of wonder and awe that feels ridiculous, but calming at the same time. this life was meant to be lead, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

so there’s no reason i shouldn’t be doing something i love right now.