i don’t know what else to say here but that i am unsure of how to feel about my dreams and where they are heading, and i’ve definitely been turning it over in my head for a few days here, to no avail, really. i went and talked to a production manager for a brewing company and it went well. i learned quite a bit in just a half hour about how large scale operations are going to work, and got some questions answered. it’s what i’ve been hoping for, right? the guy was totally awesome (especially when i kinda threw the apprenticeship thing at him) but there was just an underlying tone that just screamed the writing on the wall.

it hit a little when i finished talking to him and was leaving, but it really hit me the next morning, especially after talking to my wife the night before. it hit hard, like the kind of depression i’m sure draws people to taking anti-depressants. i’ve always felt that pretty much all jobs are the same in the bullshit department, but brewing was something i held up higher, because it’s something i enjoy doing, immensely. i felt like i knew it all along, but the conversation i had just pushed through all the cracks in my dreams, and tore the wall down.

It started by talking to the production manager, but then i talked to my wife later that night, and it all clicked in. she is living her dream, in a sense. she went to school, and is now working for a bakery. talk to her and she’ll let you know how awesome and drama-free it is. i don’t want this to happen to brewing, but if i go into the big leagues, it will. everything will change. i’ll learn so much, but at what cost? would it be worth it to try and produce all these things for mass consumption as opposed to just for myself and my friends? which would end up more rewarding? which would make me feel more fulfilled?

I’ve always worked to live, and i feel if i went into brewing for anyone besides myself, it would lead to that same type of mentality. compromises would have to be made, with seemingly insurmountable piles of bullshit to wade through depending on which company i decided i could work for. even if i went into to it on my own, there would still be mountains of crap to wade through before i could get my name on the map. brewing communities are already so well-established that it would take so much schmoozing and diplomacy to get production up to the point where i could maybe do this stuff for a living. but do i really want that, even if i could have it? i feel like i would mostly just be setting up everything just so i could get to the point where i could hand off the business to other people, and then i can go tinker in my lab however i wanted to. this future would probably only realize itself after a couple of decades but my game would be seriously tight after all that work.

but i could just tinker in my lab now, join a homebrew club and enter homebrew contests, and treat this like a hobby, and still up my game, without killing the ideals i hold for brewing. i can learn from others who aren’t out to make a buck. i don’t really have a need to prove myself to the brewing community, i just enjoy making and drinking my own beer, and sharing it with appreciative people. i’m doing that right now, why would i want to throw it into the same morass that is associated with working for a living?

but i can’t tell if i’m just copping out because i don’t want to put in that much work, because i’m already talking myself down right here, right now. who knows what i could achieve in the arena of craft-brewing? but i used to have anxious-makes-you-want-to-achieve-something-fear about it, and now that has just been replaced by more of a complacent fear, the fear that i am going to be subjecting myself to the whims of others in something i hold so dear.

which means i should just go it alone, right? do it for the love? but what would i be trying to prove? what would i be trying to gain? earning a living off of something i love? what point is that making exactly, what kind of growth? is the dream i am trying to achieve so based on how accepting others are of it? to see if i can make a superior product and claim my piece of the marketshare in an attempt to do what exactly? be able to brew all day and get paid for it? i can’t really say since i’ve never lived to work, but all of the things i do, i enjoy because they’re done in moderation. if i did any of them all the time, it would get old. which is probably why i’ve always worked to live.

but it is part of being human to want to upgrade, to take some experience you have and take it to that next level. i think i had some loose dreams of opening my own place and all that jazz, but when i objectively look at it, i’m not sure if it’s something i want. brewing is about the only thing i have a passion for these days, but i don’t know if it’s enough to make it in the marketplace. to go out and earn all this glory and recognition out of something i have passion for, i don’t know if i want it. i’m more possesive of it, and kinda like things the way they are now.

granted, if an oppertunity turned up i would probably go for it. but it would have to be a pretty convinient one, and that’s what makes me falter. if i really want to make a go of it, it needs to be everything, and i can’t force myself to have that kind of passion, it has to happen. the funny thing about the depression that i felt a couple of mornings ago, it wasn’t the sprial towards emptiness, it was more of a spiral toward clarity. i know that if i want to do this, it isn’t going to come cheap. but i also feel that if i don’t do it, that’s OK too, as long as i keep brewing and enjoying it, while trying to better myself at it on my own standards. i feel like if i went whole-hog into brewing right now, it would still be because of other people’s standards, not my own. if i do well at something, it’s only natural to be pushed towards doing something with it. but if i don’t do it on my terms it’s not going to work, this much i know.

but there’s sure a whole hell of a lot i don’t.

man, i really wanted to write something yesterday, but things just got too busy. i was in a weird mood, and things were just bubbling up that were the good type of crazy, and now hardly any of it is retained. ah well, it’ll happen again sometime. It did get used well going to a rave, being twice as old as everyone there. while i was in line i heard one guy say “I feel ancient here” and he said he was 21. but i guess the mindset was different. that guy was probably there to party and meet girls and shit. i was just there to dance and see my friend play a set. being ancient has nothing to do with it. it was an amusing thought to me that the girl on the floor (she called herself “hearts”) getting a light show was in 1st grade about the time i started raving. that time, it sure does fly. it was good to see how strong the scene was still going though. i was a little surprised at first, but then i realized kids are always going to need a place to be idiots and do drugs. raves are ideal for that.

i was musing about my states of mind though, i remember that much. mostly because i was feeling a little off, but in a jokey, happy-go-lucky way. it was a day for hats. it was a day to revel in a feeling. it was a day. everyday was pretty much the same, but day-to-day its path basically depends on how i wake up in the morning. which, when i thought about it, was pretty awesome. if i could just wake up everyday and tell myself with utter conviction “today is going to be awesome” things would become even more static than they are now, as i would look at everyday the same as the last and hence always come to the same conclusions about problems that appear different on the surface, but in reality are basically all the same thing. or not. these things are kind of circumstantial, especially when resorting to sheer speculation.

it lead down a path towards optimism and pessimism though, which i had been thinking about for a bit since ben brought it up awhile ago. not that anyone asked for my opinion, but if you’re here reading this, then technically you are. i know i’m an optimist in most regards, but it stems from pessimissim. pretty much everytime i point out something optimistic, it is coming from the idea that things could have been worse. but i guess the application of optimisim/pessimissim really just roots itself in how you look at a situation, and then decide how you’re going to deal with it, however you want to define your reality. it may be an expression more cued by environment, but i believe the groundwork is already laid to react to the environment. optimistic (with it’s tinge of pessimisim) thoughts automatically pop into my head, so i figure people must have the same thing happen to them with pessimistic thoughts. so what it boils down to is it doesn’t matter, there’s no right or wrong here. with every facet i have as a person, i adjust to living life the way i feel is best, as i imagine most everyone else does. even being delusional has it’s place. it gets some ideas out there. i guess in these times you just have to hope that these people aren’t your leaders, but then at the same time, that is also a part of the interest factor. people who think differently than me make me think differently, it’s about the only source of growth i got. maybe not even growth, but more of something just to help classify the ideas in my life, giving them some sort of merit. which could be growth. i’m not sure i care anymore.

not that i think i’m perfect or don’t want to grow, i just don’t actively think about it anymore. good (fill in the blank), bad (fill in the blank), it just feels like thought exercises to me these days, stemming from the fact that i’m really comfortable with myself. looking at ideas and just objectively picking them apart for the hell of it, like taking apart a lawnmower and putting it back together. and it’s not even close to as concrete as that lawnmower, which is probably why i don’t take it so seriously. i just pick these things apart because i’m naturally curious, and end up where i end up. the more i define, the less it makes sense, so what’s the hurry?

when you die, does the degree to which you had life pegged make a difference? or are all these ideas and thoughts to be used now, to get what you can while you’re here? the vicious cycle of being conscious is in the attempt to understand it.

at what point does that become old?

oh my god.

It’s fitting that this is post #500. A milestone, of some proportions.

I had a little extra time at work today, so i went over a week of writing i did a couple of years ago. i banged out everything on my mind for a week, and i remember being pretty proud of it, as good writing and idea formation happens only occasionally here.

so i read it, and then proceeded to feel like i should just stop writing, forever. not because it was a breathtaking piece of literature, or because something profound hit me when i read it. actually, something profound did happen when i read it. all the stuff i’ve been throwing out here in the past couple of months is almost identical to what i was pining about 2 years ago.

forget your history and you’re doomed to repeat it, huh?

why am i still stuck on these same ideas of being human, of being conscious, and not really getting anywhere with it?
not enough new information? maybe.
not enough drive to find answers? maybe.
indifference? now we’re getting somewhere.

all of the questions i ask are so broad, that it’s not the answer finding so much, or looking to gain anything, it’s more just existential bitching and moaning. gotta get out those negative feelings somehow. but the joke is on me, as it were. i’m not going to stop writing, mostly because i enjoy it, even if i am repeating myself. like playing the violin, or dancing, or something i don’t do often enough, there’s pleasure in just the doing, no matter the substance.

and then i grew a little.

disaster is in the air. totally just a gut feeling for me, but it’s just one of those days where things have already started off rather badly, and it just gives you an on-edge feeling for the rest of the day. normally nothing happens, and the day just goes by like any other. but here, in this moment, there is a sense of foreboding, that everything that has already happened today is just part of the crescendo up to something worse, if the trend continues.

i can point at it though, and just be like “dude, you’re all anxious because some things happened this morning that made your body release all these chemicals to deal with the situation. they don’t just remetabolize into your body the instant you want to change your mood.” which makes total sense to me. i guess it’s just that balance between emotions and reason, where i’d like to think that they’re two compartments that have release valves. One or both gets released into the reservoir, and it is dealt with depending on the concentrations. There are no compartments though, just one giant reservoir, with everything in it constantly fighting for homeostasis.

there is something deep here, something at the fabric of what makes me uneasy. something about everything around me that brings joy and sorrow, and assigns some meaning to it. chemicals that were designed to enhance survivalbility were not meant to be applied to consicousness, as far as i can tell. it really just leaves us at the mercy of our own evolution, where time is immaterial and we’ll get there when we get there. that gives me no solace, but i really wonder if anything can? not to be overly futile or anything.

my brother posed the idea of asking the question “why am i doing this?” before everything you do. it has snuck in and pervaded my thought processes so hard. the first respone is normally, “yeah, why the hell are you doing this?” and then maybe a few more questions linger in my mind while i actually proceed to do the task anyways. for me, it doesn’t take long before such questions start hitting an existential wall, and end up focused on the big picture and what it means in the grand scope, which can’t be helped. these questions would probably be more valuable if i tightened my scope, but then i think, valuable? right…..let’s just start assigning some value to ideas around here.

why am i doing this?

so let’s get this started. i feel the need to write, but it might be sporadic. so i do what i can, and maybe contribute to this, starting frantic and ending on a beautifully poetic note. aim for the moon, right? land among the stars?

i guess i have to just go right off the bat and just state that i have been sitting on the sidelines with ben here. not because i don’t care, but as was pointed out, this forum is something different. something very meta and self-serving with a dash of the narcissistic. it’s impossible to know anything too specific about anyone, because it’s basically impossible to explain. people are constructs of ideas, based on values and judgments that they arrive at but can’t ultimately explain. sure, you can get a solid idea of how a person would react in any given situation, but it’s the fact that knowing the reasons behind any particular action are beyond personal. they’re just a part of something that is inherent in the makeup of you as a person, and that “soul” is tough enough to define, let alone pin down. but some struggles are personal. you can offer advice and well-wishes, but that kind of advice is for people who don’t strive for a true understanding of themselves and just want some reassurance. some journeys are meant to be done individually for them to have any real worth. it’s kinda funny and ironic that i throw this out as passive-aggressive advice when i say that i shouldn’t be offering up anything….but what else can i tell my hypocritical self? welcome to being human.

so that happened. and some other stuff. i’ve been so wrapped up in my existential self that it feels more than a little inane. i’d like to think that i don’t know how to handle my physical self in this universe, but that would be a lie. i just do what i do, as i’ve always done. questioning it is more of just a way to pass time and maybe gain a little perspective, but the more questions asked, the more that pop up. that was one thing that struck me a couple of nights ago when i ended up on some tangent of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. it was the fact that questions about reality (or almost any system we can categorize) are fractals. questions will inevitably lead to more questions, branching out at an exponential rate. leading nowhere and everywhere. an endless line of questions that need answers, with no ultimate goal except to answer the current one. which can be a mind-boggling concept, so in my case, i choose to ignore it.

but i don’t ignore it. it just gets pushed to the side as some oddball concept in my otherwise only- slightly-insane world. i mean, it only makes sense that you just ask questions forever, right? what the hell would you do with an ultimate answer anyways? at that point every good and evil ever created would be ripped from its place of slumber and eradicated, because there would be no use for them, what with having the ultimate answer and everything. slightly bitter blogs and crazy rants have no place in a world of ultimate answers.

so boil it down and make a decision! use the construct you have and make it more pliable. make a decision to enjoy something and you can eventually get down with it. decide to hate something and stick to it, and in all this craziness around us, at least you will have made the active decision to express that emotion, because you can. the reason so much feels arbitrary in this world is because it is. change is always within your reach, even if it exceeds your grasp. all you can do is try to make decisions that are true to yourself. it’s the only thing you have control over.

but at the same time, that doesn’t mean they’re not arbitrary.